How do you manage/split school hols ?

[WildistheWind]

Been with DH for over 6 years now and have DSD (10) living with us, DSD (8) with DH's Ex (long story) and my DD (6).

Again, we've only just pulled through the annual nightmare of splitting the hols and frankly,
I wonder if I'm not over reacting.

I just get this feeling that because we are the DH and SM family we don't get to choose the dates...it gets me stressed out as I don't have much time to book time off for work and book a decent family holiday.

DH always being the ultra reasonnable one, I don't get a say as DH's EX doesn't even talk to me.

I wondered, how do you cope/arrange/figure out your own SC time during Summer Hols? Thanks for sharing.

Oh dear, I feel for you guys. So unfair for DSD.

It's same with us we usually split is 2 weeks each and split the remainder of the hols after that. No court order here they've been co parenting since split. Just annoyed that I depend on her to organise my summer and subsequently, childcare, playscheme etc...

I guess I should be grateful that I am going to take my DSDs camping this summer even though it's not the ideal date I wanted.

Being a SM means you're at the very bottom of the food chain. I just wait to be told what's happening and then wait for it all to change again.....

It was easier when the DSS's lived abroad strangely, as we had to have arranged dates then.

their mum often never used to tell us the dates too far in advance but if we wanted a definite date we used to insist. And as she and the rest of the family used to come over for the same time, (we paid half the travel costs as we then didn't have to do any travelling), she had to let us know what was happening if she wanted us to pay.

once they moved back it wasn't so easy. We would arrange things and then one of them wouldn't turn up and we wouldn't know until the others arrived. We did complain to their mum and put it all in writing one time as it had cost us and their grandparents money. Their grandparents got an apology and flowers etc, we didn't even get an apology but then that was usual.

Therefore we stopped arranging anything to include them. We provisionally arranged time off and then if they did arrive we did stuff with them.

ironically we now have one of them living with us and trying to arrange his time to go and stay with his mum is just as bad. Nothing ever gets confirmed to us until the last minute - but there again she pays for the travel now so it costs her more if she ends up booking things last minute !

I have the same frustrations. My DH won't ask his ex, he just waits for her to give him dates, which means we can't book stuff too far in advance.
To be fair, she rarely changes arrangements once they're made but we always seem to end up having my DSS for at least an extra few days at the end of any holiday and one or two before too.

Not being able to request any dates from his ex is a nightmare for me for booking time off work in advance and like you, it gets to me that I depend on her to make my own summer arrangements etc... but unless my DH decides to man up a bit with her, it's never going to change! That's a bit harsh of me coz she is a nightmare if he ever insists on anything but it's a vicious circle.

ems- Totally understand where you're coming from. If DH dares to ASK , he will be challenged and accused of dictating. However, it's quite obvious that it's double standards, as it's not the same rules for them... oh well.

As Daffy said, we're at the bottom of the food chain! I do have ''uprising'' feelings and resent my DH sometimes; just boring to wait for others to make decisions when I could get it all organised.

I feel much better having shared that with fellow steps, think I needed a bit of reassurance that I'm not alone in this type of scenario...

EMS23 - I really know what you mean. I often feel like my entire life is arranged by my DH ex. Sometimes I wonder if I should give her a quick call before I have a bath just to make sure it's OK with her...

or which colour T-shirt I should buy DSD next time I go shopping to avoid DH's ex telling DSD,'' that shirt is hideous'', just because she's miffed the evil SM bought something DSD likes!!!

oh god, don't even mention clothes to me! My DSS is dressed in only the best (seriously, she buys her 6 yr old £80 Diesel Jeans) and I once bought him a pair of Tesco jeans as he'd put a hole in the ones he had with him. They were sent back and my DH threw them away as they weren't acceptable to his ex apparently!!!!!

PegsOnTheline - you are definitely not alone. My DH'S ex is not the worst and I'm not the best by any stretch but I think we all share common frustrations, whichever side of the fence you're on.

I don't have any contact whatsoever with the ex and I'm sure if I did, things would be easier but the very idea of it scares my DH so much I don't dare get in touch with her!

boy, does this all ring bells with me! My frustration as a SM is that I am very well organised and simply love holidays and want to book for us all to go away. DH's ex never arranges anything in advance and in fact, never takes them anywhere, so I dont see what her problem is in agreeing to us taking them away! So we'll give her 9 or 12 months notice to say, we'd like to take them away on these dates (so we can book flights), can you let us know if that's ok with you? And then she'll either ignore the request entirely or say, I dont know yet what my own plans are (as there are none, evidently) and then says she might be able to let us know "a couple of weeks beforehand"! So we told the children we cant take them abroad any more unless she changes her attitude. They soon got on to her! Now we're all booked for the next 2 holidays . Frustrating as hell though.

ps she describes that as us dictating to her when she can see her own kids. I say, that's us giving you plenty of notice of free time when you can do something else or organise your own holiday!

Grr...I hate organising holidays. We only get 3 extra overnights for the whole of the 6 weeks (because DSS's mum wouldn't be able 'to cope' with more) and that's still a major headache to sort out. This year we are having a 'proper' holiday (only the 2nd time since we got together because of these issues!)so ex wants to put all the contact into a two-week period. This means we'll probably get DSS with us virtually every day for two weeks (with normal contact as well) but every other night we have to take him home for the night (drop at 6pm) and pick him up again the following morning (9am). So no going away anywhere nice so he can enjoy some holiday time with Daddy, oh no.

Ooh, I feel better for that rant.

daffydilly 'Being a SM means you're at the very bottom of the food chain. I just wait to be told what's happening and then wait for it all to change again.....'

I hear ya!

It took me years to get to a point where we have equal say over holiday arrangements to DP's exW. You basically need to work out what you want to do when a very long time in advance, and negotiate it in a fair and reasonable way.

We have annualised holiday splits ie DP and his exW each have the DSSs for half the holidays, but not half of each holiday but half of all holidays. So, for example, exW might have the boys for the whole fortnight of Christmas and we have them for the whole Easter fortnight. We renegotiate this every year.

Bonsoir , I hear you , this is pretty much what we are doing now though it's never organised that much in advance, hence my rant! I think it's a great idea and will try to get DH to talk to X about it. It would make it so easier for me as I have to book my time off work way in advance!

We finally got it sorted now and sadly I didnt have the weeks I wanted but we still managed to book something nice to do !