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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

CSA payments- what extras are expected?

34 replies

mummynumber2 · 11/06/2010 09:43

I know this is a very emotive subject and I really have no intention of offending anyone or starting any arguements!

Firstly I'd like to say that I really do want to financially support all my DSC's but would just like some advice on what to do in this situation.

At the moment DP is paying aroung about £700 p/m in CSA payments. It's never been a fair assessment but we've given up arguing and are paying over the odds. Before christmas DSD1 moved in with us and we carried on paying the same amount to his ex,she's also getting the child benefit ect for her. We also tend to have DSD2 and DSS slightly more than the CSA assessment. We pay for everything for DSD1 and have everything that DSD2 and DSS need here for them here. We've also bought quite a lot of school uniform for them too, which never seems to be returned to us!

We're just about coping financially at the moment but it's tight.

Now DP's ex has announced that we should be paying for all school uniform, dinner money and half of all school trips. She seems to think this is the norm.

The thing is, she's not that badly off, she works, has huge CSA payments and lives in a council house which she pays very little rent on. I'm sure she can afford these things.

What I was wondering is if there are any guidelines as to what should be paid for from maintinance to children and if anyone is in a similar situation.

Both DP and I are very cautious of rocking the boat with his ex so would like to handle this sensibly!

OP posts:

ladydeedy · 23/07/2010 15:25

"Mum told us it's her birthday on Monday and that we never get her anything nice and she's going to be really cross if we dont get this DVD box set she wants (price £49.99) and you can buy it in Smiths."

ladydeedy · 23/07/2010 15:25

sorry, just had to get that one off my chest

sunshinerainbow · 23/07/2010 15:30

I think so many ex wives think just because they are the child / childrens mother that they know everything that is best for their kids and they will dictate all of it to their ex and new partner.

No concept whatsover, that we all parent differently and as long as the kids are safe, then we can all choose to parent however we damn well like!

Libby10 · 23/07/2010 15:49

This is turning into an ex wife version of bulls* bingo. We have also had "lost" school uniform/kit and ex specifying a birthday present for herself.

sunshinerainbow · 23/07/2010 15:58

Ladydeedy,

I misread your post, I didn't realise the request was for her OWN birthday present!

ladydeedy · 23/07/2010 16:03

yes her OWN present!

And complaining that the children didnt buy her anything nice (with their small amount of pocket money they have from her).

I know, I know....

sunshinerainbow · 23/07/2010 16:06

Oh well, if we're putting in orders, I'll have a ferrari please.

ladydeedy · 23/07/2010 18:25

I'd quite like one too. Or would I? maybe just a nice bunch of flowers. I'm not too demanding...

NatHolt · 24/07/2010 07:38

This all sounds so familiar!!!
We got a big sob story that she could not keep up with childcare fees and she asked him if he could pay towards... he was going to until I told him so would be on the highest benefit possible and in actual fact it was only costing $40 a week for childcare... CSA payments were over $100 and she worked full time!
We also got hit up for school uniform but put our foot down and wouldn't do it... it's hard because you feel guilty that the children are missing out but they will understand one day. All this happened to me and my hubby 9 years ago. His ex and I are now on great terms, infact we all are. We've moved to the country and the 11yo decided she wanted to come with us. We refused CSA payments from the ex... she would tell us all the time 'it's not about the money' but really we knew it was. When she agreed to us having custody we told her it's not about the money and we don't want a cent from her, I told her I think it's wrong that a 3rd party (the government) dictate how much we need to pay for our children, she agreed... OF COURSE SHE WOULD!!!
I know we are providing a better life for her and although it's hard now having to fully support 3 children, we have a budget and have a great life, and in turn she will have a good life too.
It's amazing how common this story is.

I also appreciate that the Dad's feel guilty... I think often mum's are very manipulative with the children "If you don't pay I'll take your kids away" The problem with that is, Dad is getting punished but the children are getting more punished so it's a very selfish thing to do.

You'll work it out... it takes A LOT of time, do what you have to and stay positive and kind to the children... one day I believe they will see the right and the wrong.

Good luck!

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