New to being a stepmum; and parenting is the easy bit.....

[snowpony]

I met my OH through work, and didn't meet my DSD for 6 months, until we felt it was the right time. When we did meet, DSD and I got on very well. I didn't find it difficult to be with DSD, or share OH; we agreed on discipline etc etc.

The real difficulty is that OH lives 200 miles away. For the first 2 years he was working in my part of the world, but has now accepted a job near DSD. He has decided that he must live there and I must live there with him.
This is the difficult bit, because I know I'm being really selfish, but I just wondered if anyone else felt the same way.
I feel that our lives together are dictated by his previous circumstances. I?m jealous of all my friends who are settling down having families with their OHs, with no baggage. I ?ll have to live in a place that I really don?t like cos it?s close to DSD. I?ll have to move away from my friends and family. If I have children, my support network won?t be there. My children won?t know their Grandparents very well and I won't be around to support my parents as they grow older. I will have to change my job and if I have children it will be more difficult and expensive for me to return to work. I'm worried I'll end up lonely and bitter and it will ruin everything.
I think if I'd know about this side of being with someone who has a child I would never have gone there. But I love him. I'm so sad about it all.

You have my sympathies. I live in an apartment chosen by DP because of its proximity to the DSSs - 5 minutes' drive from their mother's house. That was definitely the right decision for the boys, but obviously a lot of my life has been dictated by DP's former life. We live in close proximity to his parents and a 5 hour drive from my parents.

The upside is that we do live in a nice area with a good school for DD and I have made a lot of new friends and a good life for myself. But it took a lot of hard work!

Can I ask whereabouts your DSD lives that you will be moving to?

I live in Bristol, and DSD lives in South Yorkshire - about a 4 hour commute. I think it will be much better for DSD, but not for us. Neither of us are from there or have any family or friends there (he moved there to be with his ex).
Glad it worked out for you, how did you do it?

Hmm - I can understand that moving from Bristol (lovely city - I went to University there) to South Yorkshire is a bit disappointing. I live in Paris, so there are definitely positives. But there is still much about my life that I didn't choose, initially - I had to go out and find the things that I liked in the area I live in now (which I knew nothing about when I moved here). Having a gorgeous baby of my own helped! And of course you do find friends and make a life if you look for it.

What line of work are you in? Do you have any leads? Are there upsides to the move - like a nicer house?

Definitely positives to Paris How did you find living away and having a baby? It's one of the things that concerns me - that if we do have our own, we won't have any family or friends around us.
I work in Telecoms, and making really good progress in current company careerwise, and I'd like to start thinking about having children so moving jobs now is not the best thing.
So far the upside is OH. Not much else to be honest.

I did this, moved away from family and friends to be with my now DH because thats where his kids were. It was hard, but to be honest, why would you want to have children with a man who wouldn't put his child before a new relationship? He was always honest that they came first, and thats how it should be really.

You will build a new life, but yes, being with someone who already has kids involves a lot of sacrifice. Children come first.

DP has 2 DC from a previous relationship; we don't live in the same country as them but I decided to move everything to be with him.

It has taken about 2 years to resettle, and we go back to the uk pretty often so i see friends and family fairly regularly, Being pregnant with my DC1 has made me settle more.

However are you sure of the full implications of being a stepmum living close by to your DSD.

she will probably spend more time with you and have a room in your house. if you have DC's together, you will be doing it all for the first time and he won't.

The main thing about being a stepmum is that yyou have to set aside a lot of your idealistic expectations of marriage and family life, as you will always have at least one other person who he loves as much as you and will put equally first and you may not feel the same amount of love for that person, however much you get on, and it can make you feel a teeny bit resentful.

I stayed near my family in the UK when I gave birth! But when I started living normally in Paris with a baby and no support, it was probably quite hard - though I am a tough nut, and managed to cope with moving/baby/stepparenting/nasty PILs quite well, with a few trips back home from time to time to rest! You do meet other people and create a life for yourself after a while.

Does your OH realise how much he is expecting you to give up in order for him to live so close to his DD?

We've talked about it, but he's a typical man - (if you can't fix it then what's the point talking about it?).

I'm not saying there's an alternative. I accept that DSD has to come first.

I just want to know how other people cope with this.

It is difficult coming to terms with having your choices in life dictated by circumstances that you had nothing to do with creating! I would really love to live abroad but I can't see this happening for at least another 10 years when my DSD is off university. We live only a short drive from my DSD which is fine at the moment but if we want to move to a bigger home, this is going to be unrealistic (where we live is expensive so trading up to a house from our flat is out of our price range). I sometimes get really hacked off with it but most of time I think how lucky I am to have met someone who cares enough about their children to not just chip off and do their own thing when they split up with their ex (plenty of men do!) - I think it sets a good precedent for how they will approach family life with a new partner.........

However, I think it is too simplistic to think that everyone else has uncomplicated marriages and family life if they don't have stepchildren. People have committments to elderly parents, jobs etc. I think if you decide to move with your OH then, yes, it is difficult to have a baby if you are away from friends and family but actually having a baby is a great way of meeting new friends if you have moved - I met 2 really good friends through my antenatel class.

My DH and I moved 6 months ago so we could live near to my DSS. It has been hard but it's far easier than the 6 years before this, which we spent every other weekend making that 200 mile journey to be with my DSS.

Neither my DH nor I have any attachment to this new area, other than my DH's ex being from here and she moved back here when they split up.

I'm now pregnant with our first DC and although being so far from MY family and friends is hard, my life is so much easier because I am near to my DSS, who I must point out, is also my family now. Being his stepmum was always good but it's a lot better now we see him more often and live so much closer. I believe his life is a lot more settled as a result although he is lucky in that his parents have done a fine job in co-parenting since they split up, even when we lived so far away.

I've been there with feeling sad that my choices are dictated by someone elses circumstances but what could I do? I loved him by then and as someone else said, it's better that he is this way than some feckless idiot who would drop his kids the moment he split up with the mum.

Good luck with whatever you do but remember that you can build a life for yourself wherever you go and your family & friends will always be there for you, no matter how far you move.
xxx