Advice on jealousy between DP and DD

[WomanInterrupted]

Hi there, I am new to this area and want to just say the step families are bloody hard work!! Does it get easier??
My partner and I got together when my daughter was 1 year old and have been together for a year. DP has two DS (4 and 6) and all three children stay with us the majority of the time.
I have bonded well with DSS but DP was jealous of my closeness with DD and for the first 6 months after moving in together did quite a lot to try and stop me being as hands on with my daughter as well as ignoring DD whilst they were both in the same room which I think is pretty damaging for a 1-2year old. DP has now apologised for this and is making much more effort to bond with her but now my DD has an issue with DP and will say DPs name when she's crying and be very clingy with me when it is just the 3 of us. DD is otherwise not clingy at all.
DP and I have had many many rows about this and I am at my wits end. We are currently telling my DD (2 years old) off when she says DP's name when she's crying if DP hasnt done anything but I am really struggling with it and it doesnt seem to be stopping her doing it.
DP and I have very different parenting ideas... DP is less childcentred than I am although I wouldn't say I am that far down that spectrum myself.
Has anyone got any advice to try and remedy this situation?

Are you absolutely sure that your P is not still bullying your DD in some way? He sounds like a jealous, selfish knobber TBH and if he doesn't like your DD she may be picking up on it.
Of course, if he has got over himself and is making an effort, then that's a good thing, but he will have to be patient while she gets over her fear and dislike of him. Because it's his fault she doesn't like him. He started it. He is the adult and should stop sulking about it and making things more difficult for you.

Read it back. What would you suggest to a friend in this situation?

Yes, I agree with SBG.

I am not sure that telling your DD off for saying your DPs name while she is crying is going to help. If she is upset, you can't tell her NOT to be.

I think all your DP can do is to be kind and friendly to her and let the relationship mend itself over time.

Poor you - it sounds like a difficult situation.

I wouldn't want to expose my child to a man like that tbh. He's jealous of and horrible to a baby? What do you see in him?

DP does seem to be very sorry about what happened and is making a lot of effort to change. I have threatened to leave lots of times but feel pretty confident that that is behind us now, I'm just not sure how best to cope with the aftermath of what's happened. My DD is happy to play with DP and be carried around, dressed, teeth brushed etc so Im pretty sure that she's not traumatised but it's just that when it is just the three of us DD will be more clingy and then at other times will say DPs name if DP walks into the room or even if DP hasnt moved. I just dont know what I should be doing. I have my told DP that this is the result of 6 months of being ignored and that it will take time but I just need to know what I should be doing with the crying and saying DP's name??

I wouldn't tell her off for saying DPs name, that's just going to set her up with even more bad associations about him. Sounds like she's clingy because she's insecure - I'd comfort her, give her lots of attention and reassure her that she's the most important thing to you.

you dont know what you should be doing?

how about listening to your dd?? somethings not right here....

Maybe she's associated his coming into the room with the fact that when that happened she then got ignored. She may well play well with him at times, but has obviously still got some insecurities about how much attention she will get in his presence.

As long as you are ABSOLUTELY sure there is nothing untoward going on, then constant attention and reassurance in his presence will eventually help - from both of you.

He does sound a price twonk though I have to say...

If he is really trying, keep being patient with your DD and make sure he is patient as well. It is going to take some time for her to get over the fact that he was unkind to her - remember 6 months is a shortish time to an adult but it's a quarter of a 2-year-old's lifetime!
However, if he starts being impatient or irritable with her again, I would seriously give him no more than one chance before kicking him out. The whole situation is his fault, no one else's.

He failed.

Child first him last, give him the boot.