Finding it difficult to know what is the right thing to do

[mummysdude]

Bit of background:
I have always got on really well with DSD - have known her since she was 4 and she is now 9.
She hasn't had that easy a life so far - my DH and her mum split up when she was 2, as her mum had met someone else - they moved in together and got married, but then split up when DSD was about 7, then moved in with the mum's current boyfriend.
About 70% of the time she is a lovely well mannered girl, but the rest of the time there is this horrid part of her that is a stroppy, attention seeking naughty child.
When I was pregnant she told her mum that she wished that she could kill me and the baby, and that when he was born she was never going to come to our house again, then when he arrived, she threw a toy across the room at him when he was 10 days old. Recently she has tried to rip up a photo of our ds, and then lied about it and said that her mum had made it up. Yesterday we confronted her about the lying - very calmly - we just told her it was wrong and that we understand it is difficult for her (jealousy issues), but that she must never lie. She went in a huge strop and started crying and said that she just wanted to go back to bed.
Every week I tidy her room, and every time she comes back she gets everything out of the drawers and clutters the place up again. DH never tells her off, never asks her to tidy anything, or take anything to her room. Until recently she used to walk in the front door, take her coat off and throw it on the floor!
Yesterday DH took her to McDonalds at 10.30am and she had a bacon roll (after breakfast), so when I made the lunch at 12 she wasn't hungry. Then at 3.30 she wanted a bit of chocolate cake - I had to step in and say no, because I knew she then wouldn't eat dinner. I'm sure DH was about to say yes.
I just feel so frustrated - I know it's not actually her fault - it's just that DH lets her get away with anything. I've tried talking to him a thousand times about the fact that she needs structure - proper meal and bed times, and he always agrees, but then never follows it through. His argument is that he only sees her every second weekend so he just wants to have a nice time with her.
I just don't know what to do - we've tried to make things as easy as possible for her, especially since our son came along eg having alone time with her dad, but she still plays up and lies and attention seeks.
I know how I would handle it if it were my own child, but I feel like I am the only one who seems to want to have any structure to the family - DH isn't really bothered. Most of the time I just let them get on with it but it annoys me when it starts to affect things that I want to do in the house, like be tidy or make the lunch.

Sorry if it all sounds a bit garbled - basically what I want to know is - do I stay firm on what I expect around the house etc or just let it go?

Hi, don't think there is a right or wrong answer. You are right in wanting some structure. But when Dad sees kid only once every second weekend, it is understandable he just wants it to be a nice time with her.

Also sounds like teenager approaching, combined with sibling jealousy.

IMO You would be better being less firm in your position. If there is one thing I've learned so far, is that rigid rules work less well than flexible rules. Flexible rules harder to operate, but seem to produce better results.

The old saying round here, pick your battles too. You'll find it easier if you let x,y,z go (as in don't battle over it) and be firm on b.

On the McD, I think (again easy to think than do) you could have bent a little, found something that would have allowed dinner, but enough to give some temporary filling.

I can understand your dh wanting to enjoy the time with his dd if he only sees her every 2 weeks but he still needs to lay down some ground rules.

My dh used to let his ds's get away with a lot of things that used to annoy me. His excuse was also that he wanted to make the most of the time he had with them. hence they then started treated him with very little respect as they knew they wouldn't get pulled up on things.

He put up with it until he realise that our dd was also starting to treat him the same a that is what she saw her brothers doing.

So although I had warned him that he needed to be stricter it was only when a 2 year old started ignoring him and whinging that he realised he had to lead by example.

At the end of the day he is her dad and not her friend. I am a firm believer that children need some rules in their life. My dad always used to tell me that children need brick walls to bounce off. Sometimes life doesn't go as you want it too but if you always get your own way all the time how will you cope with the real world when you get older.

There is no reason why your sd can't tidy her room. My ss's used to be the same until I told them that if they didn't tidy it I would - and that meant it would all be going in a blackbag for the bin. they didn't believe me until i followed through (thought he bag went in the garage not the bin - but they didn't get their stuff back for several weeks).

I would have offered your sd some fruit in the afternoon but like you I wouldn't have allowed the cake.

Your dh needs to be on the same side as you. And stick to what you agree will be the rules you think are important.

Hi mummydude,
I have a similar situation to you as I have a 9 year old SD and a new baby of our own. My SD has also undergone a lot of changes in her life and her mother has recently got married and she has two new step siblings from that. My SD is more likely to be quiet and moody than naughty but I also struggle with the fact that DH doesn't encourage her to be independent and make up her mind about things, her favourite phrase is "I don't mind" and she hangs around aimlessly most of the weekend. I think DH thinks she doesn't have a good time with us because she is quite sullen all weekend whereas I think sometimes she likes to be asked "what's wrong" as a way of getting attention. I have tried to stay in the background of DH parenting as it is predominately up to him but I do draw the line in some cases as you have mentioned. It's your house too and if you have a little one of your own in the house its unfair to have two sets of rules. I find that me and DH have our best chats about these kind of things when SD isn't with us for the weekend and we go out for a walk or something and discuss it away from the house. I think my DH has a lot of guilt about the situation and struggles to not spoil SD all the time. I keep thinking to myself it will all change when they are teenagers so its good to get some groundwork in now before the hormones really kick in. Just wanted to give you some support really, good luck with everything.

Thank you for your replies and good to hear that I am not the only one onionlove .
The issue with the Mcdonalds thing was that because Dh took her there at 10.30am, she wouldn't eat her lunch at 12.30 - that is why she asked for the cake in the afternoon, because she had had no lunch - vicious circle.
Thing is DH got really annoyed when she wouldn't eat lunch - but she would have if he hadn't fed her mid morning. Sometimes it's like he just doesn't have a brain!! When I try to advise him on things, he thinks I'm "getting on his case", but I'm not, just trying to explain that for a little child's tummy, they will get very full with a bacon roll, whereas he would eat that and his lunch !!
I also have a major issue with the fact that she winds up my son and teases him ie taking his toys off him then pretending to hand it back, and snatching it away again. She thinks it is funny and laughs. It makes me so .
I do sometimes say "don't do that", but I think it goes in one ear and out the other.
She doesn't seem to have any respect for anyone. I know that she is like this at home too as apparently is very rude to her mum and mum's boyfriend.
I just don't know what to do anymore.

Hi Mummysdude,
Pardon me if I'm interferring, this is just my opinion but if I were you I would talk to your DH about setting some house rules, particularly related to your son. It would drive me crazy if my SD started winding my son up. She is the other way around and tries to hug and kiss him all the time that she is virtually on top of him I'm lucky though because DH supports me when i tell her not to. Its not funny to tease people - if she were yours you wouldn't put up with it so you shouldn't with her either. If she can't play nicely with him I would tell her to go play something else - you are within your rights. Maybe you and her Dad could devise a rewards system to encourage her to be helpful (and points get taken away if shes naughty) I have learned that kids push the boundaries and adults need to be consistant. I hope this stage passes soon for you.

Hi onionlove
No I don't think you are interfering at all - it's funny what you said about the rules as I had a long chat with DH this afternoon and I said that I felt we needed some ground rules - this was before I read your post - we must be on the same wavelength!!
It does drive me crazy when she winds him up - especially as she always seems to do it when she thinks no-one is looking - it's like she knows it is wrong. I really worry sometimes that she might hurt him, as she has been known to fly into these rages - I've told DH that I don't want her left alone with him at all because every time she is - even for a few seconds, he ends up crying .
I've honestly said to my DH time and time again that children need rules/boundaries, but he is so soft that he always gives in. There is always a reason eg it's the holidays/haven't seen her for ages/she's been good.
Anyway, we will see how things go going forward .