Husband finding it hard to step parent my daughter

[usagal]

Hi, it has been literally years since I posted on here... Remember it well, posting from my hospital bed when having my ds2 in the states! Back in good old blighty now!
I wondered if anyone could give me some advice on my situation. I am finding it all very upsetting. I have a dd and a ds1 from another marriage. Both children have regular, high quality time with their natual dad, and things are as good as they could be in that department. I also have ds2 with my current husband. He has no other children.
The problems we are having is that my dh has always struggled with dd(8). She is very clever, but also fairly precotious, and finds it very easy to wind her step father up. We have just been upstairs, and despite several warnings, she has been caught playing on her ds when she should sleeping. (no major crime I know, but rules are rules!) we have banned her from electonic equipment for a couple of weeks as a punishment. However, my dh has now told me that he is really finding it hard to get on with dd. I think he beats himself up a bit for not feeling the same way about her as he does his own son. I try to reassure him by saying that it is normal to not feel the same way about a step child as your own child , but now he is saying that he would nit be upset if she went to stay with her dad for a month ( not that that would ever happen,) he is trying to tell me that he doesn't yearn for her, like his own son. I think he is qute hard on my dd, but she is constantly told to a) nit be rude to adults and b) go to sleep at bedtime (8pm). There are other little things like keeping room as tidy as possible, but we are more relaxed about these things. Can we be a happy, functioning family if dh and dd don't have a very close relationship? I am very close to daughter, as is her real dad.

Your final question is: Can we be a happy, functioning family if dh and dd don't have a very close relationship? In my opinion - yes, your family can function and also be happy without closeness being characterised as 'very'.

A family needs many things: respect, commitment, forgiveness, stability (& many etc's); families which would describe themselves as happy can function well without being very close or in some instances even having much love or affection at all. Not ideal maybe, but not hideous either. I'm in the unfortunate position of going to couples counselling with my DP at the moment to try and unravel the difficulties we're having (he's got two DC from a previous relationship). One of the exercises we've just been working on is a 'genochart' which maps our family relationships while we were growing - so all this is quite fresh in my mind because it's been revisited in the past fortnight.

At the age your DD is now I was a child in a step-family with a stepdad who provided many good things but didn't particularly care for/love me. I never ever felt unwelcome or that he didn't care at all, but I knew that he didn't feel the same for me that my mum did - and that was entirely OK.

I know that all situations are different, but my own experience has been that:
1 - my relationship with this man during my formative years (up to age 11 the counsellor says) has affected me in adult life
2 - any residual negative feelings that I have are related to other factors
3 - I can absolutely say that I'm not left with anything 'bad' as a result of him not loving me to the same extent as my mum.

The final thought bouncing around my head is that DD & DH's relationship will change as the years go by - maybe deteriorate during the teenage years (I know now that I was an absolute horror even if I thought I was being rational at the time!)- but then as adult understanding starts to kick in at about...say...35 (), your DD should recognise and respect the part that your DH played in her life.

I hope this has been of some use/interest (?) and I look forward to reading the views of others.

Thank you so much for your reply. So many errors in my initial post, was very tired! I feel very much reassured and have taken heart about their relationship evolving as she grows up. We try to make sure that dd is given special attention when the boys go to bed. She likes nothing more than tickling her step dad's feet whilst watching Saturday night tv! Things like having a take out as a treat with us occasionaly, and a pat on the head must make a difference? Their relationship is not cold or indifferent, but that is what I worry about it turning into. However, I know that their relationship is unlikely to be as close as a natural child and dad relationship (which she does have with her real dad) . My husband is just very intolerant of her very annoying behaviour, and as she does it more and more, it causes more and more upset. He would be more tolerant if she were his own, and as we do have a child together in the home, it worries me that she will notice that he is more tolerant of his own child. However, there is a 6 year gap so the expectations of behaviour are significantly different anyway!! Thank you again!

First of all - you DH has my sympathies. I have two teenage DSSs and, much as I am very fond of them and do masses for them, I do find their company very trying at times, just by virtue of the fact that they are children who are not mine but who occupy my personal space. Your DH should not feel guilty about not having the same feelings for his DSC as for his own DC - that is perfectly normal and healthy behaviour.

Something that I have come to realise, quite recently, is that my DP, despite intellectually believing and going along with me saying that loving your children is about bringing them up to be functioning adults, actually babies them big time because he hasn't really ever got over the idea, prevalent in his own family, that the only real way of showing love is by babying people. And a lot of the DSSs' "bad" behaviour is actually them behaving like babies in order to be babied... IYSWIM. Do you think there is anything in your own behaviour towards your DD that could be provoking your DH's feelings?

I think that regardless of whether they are your children or stepchildren you need to ensure that you pick your battles.

As you say yourself, playing on her DS is no major crime - I personally think that confiscating it for two weeks is a bit OTT.

As well as all the issues around step-parenting, try to remember that your dd is older and so you may need to start tweaking the house rules to take account of this. Perhaps she is now of the age that an 8 pm bedtime is too early for her. If this seems to be one of the main cause of disagreements, how about letting her have an extra 30 minutes or hour to read or play quietly (even on her DS!) in her bedroom before lights out. Children vary in the amount of sleep they need (my ds2 seems to need less than me and he is just 6). As long as they are upstairs being quiet so that I get a break I am happy!

Trying to enforce a strict regime, that if you think about it logically is not strictly necessary, is only causing problems that don't need to be there (obv totally disregard what I say if she absolutely needs to be asleep at 8 because she gets up at 5 or something!)

"Trying to enforce a strict regime, that if you think about it logically is not strictly necessary, is only causing problems that don't need to be there."

I totally agree with this statement. And it is so easy to fall into the trap of fighting totally unnecessary battles about things like bedtime.

Thanks for your responses. I have had the exact same chat with my husband about picking your battles especially in relation to bedtime. We never have trouble getting her to bed, but she won't sleep! This would not usually be a big problem, as I understand that some children need more sleep than others. However, she wakes very early, often before 6am (she is then allowed to read so that she does not disturb the rest of the house). She has big black bags under her eyes and in the past, her school have made contact to say that she appears sleepy in class. Allowing her to go to bed later has no bearing on the time she wakes up!! I definetly think that a 2 week ds ban is harsh but she had very recently been warned about at least trying to sleep! She had also been very rude to her childminder when she was collected from school on the same day. We have zero tolerance with that one!
I think that when faced with a hard day, my dh can be rather Victorian in his parenting style, thus dishing out the harsh punishments. I think he would be more restrained if it were his own son. When we talk about the harsh punishments given, dh is insistent he has done the right thing in order to help dh improve her behaviour but he does accept that he would likely to be more lenient on own son. Dd is not by any means unhappy or deprived, she is just going to have a strict step dad who loves her and helps her and provides for her, but he will always be harder on her! That will not make her life a misery will it??

Hi Usagirl,
Some great answers on here that I echo but I thought I would reply also. I have a SD who is 9, I have always struggled with her and don't really thing I'm cut out for being a step mum but I try to be welcoming and fair to her when she is here with us. I think as bonsoir says it is difficult to have the same feelings for steps as for your own children but its not something to feel guilty about, it is only natural. I think its difficult for Dads and Stepdads with girls growing up, my SD hormones are kicking in and I find her very sullen and moody at the moment but DH worries there is something fundamentally wrong but he obviously doesn't understand how hormones can play such a big part. He really struggles with the amount of independence he gives her, to give an example she has had the same routine with us as she did when she was four years old, i.e. she has always gone to bed late! It surprised me really when we talked about it how he really doesn't know how to strike the right balance and it reminded me about how my Dad avoided these awkward moments with my sister and I and left my Mum to deal with them, girls are growing up so quick these days I think its very difficult. I think that you can have a happy, functioning family as long as there is mutual respect and consideration for others absolutely. As a step parent myself it makes it a whole lot better if I can share these feelings with DH who although finds it difficult to understand accepts my viewpoints. Take care.