stepdaughter thinks it was me!

[sallysunflower]

Hi, new here but have been lurking for a while, - I can't see any other posts with this tricky one this time. Long one i'm afraid.

Have been with DP for 12 years, he has DS 16 and DD 15 from previous relationship, so children quite young when we got together.

They have never lived with us but have regular and consistent visits and we have always holidayed together etc.

We all got along very well for the first few years but in the last 4 years his DD has been more and more difficult and on a few occassions phoned her mum in the early hours to come and collect her. So we've limped and stumbled along thinking it was just teenage stuff, until things kind of blew up last night. DSD was being particularly rude to me, and DP stepped in telling her that he was not going to tolerate it and what was her problem, and that was it she came out with 'her, she's my problem' (me that is!) she's the reason i have a broken home and no-one cares but me!

so it turns out she has held this resentment for me all this time, but the thing is I am NOT the reason, DP was thrown out by BM when she was 6 months old, and we didn't even MEET until a couple of years after that! In the meantime DP discovered that she had been having an affair afterall which is why she threw him out IYSWIM, because he was acusing her of such, and she's still with the bloke now!

DP didn't know what to say apart from tell her she was very wrong about that and she didn't know the half of it. I know he was right not to go into the real facts, not the time or the audience, but in a way I wish he had said more, because it leaves too much of a grey area for my liking. I want her to know that I had no part in it, nowhere near the crimescene!!

I don't know if the BM put the idea into her head or not, but a chat needs to be had, but how??

Tricky one. I would say that he should leave it at telling her that he met you two years after his mother decided she didn't want to continue their relationship and asked him to leave.

Then acknowledge that it's tempting sometimes to wish things had turned out differently, and it feels easy and convenient to blame people around you sometimes, but life's just not like that.

Then he should say that you are a lovely person and very understanding, and you won't need an apology because he's sure you understand all this, but can she please try to bear in mind that you love her too, and it's hurtful to be resented for something that isn't your fault.

Then buy pizza and cake.

Sorted.

What is yours and DHs relationship like with the mother? Could you all sit down and talk it through or is that a bit Disney?

Im not suggesting the mother will tell the whole truth but she could at least put to bed the idea that it was he who had the affair.

Poor girl, how confusing for her..

(wonders if this is why DSD is mean to me sometimes... thats exactly the sort of thing her mum would tell her about me!)

I love it .. 'a bit disney' !!

yes i think it would be ! i just can't believe she would really tell such a big whopper, not even her!! ???

I have wondered it for a while but not wanted to think/utter it, but maybe in the early years she did, maybe being upset that he had someone new that her DC really liked, because i really felt like they did, and then it all changed, - something (someone) must have got to them.

I agree - my xp suffered terribly for his mothers lies which are ongoing. I would go as far as to say his uncertainty about his own past has destroyed his confidence completely and has rendered him incapable of building relationships with anyone except her.

She deserves to know what the truth is - it's her life after all and she is old enough to digest it with support.

Its so hard isnt it. There are lots of things that DSD should know about her mother but we try to just teach her right from wrong from our point of view and wait for her to come to her own conclusions about mum. Its a dangerous game to tell a girl negative things about her mum.

My mum was no angel but even now as an adult if I hear my dad (they are separated) say a bad word about her I instantly hate him for a good half hour!

I dont know if DSDs mother thinks I took him off her or not..

But I know she thinks I stole all their money. She has made comments (to DSD, me and others) that its unfair that we now live in a 'big' house and when they were married he would 'only let her' have a small house etc etc.

The reason for that is because I have a good job so we have two salaries coming in. We are both also careful with money. She didnt work and spent everything he earned on crap. So thats why they had a small house.

In lots of cases its easier for the ex to see things the way that want to rather than wake up to the fact that they were left because the relationship broke down, not because of this mythical 'other woman' who's sole aim in life his to rob her and her children of everything they have worked for and claim her husband for their own..

Its flippin hard (wonderful as well, but hard!) being a step parent. But the ex will often see it as a bed of roses she wishes she were in.

you never ever tell children from split relationships 'the truth' because there isn't just one truth. i agree on the 'we met two years after they decided to stop living together, it was very sad but we all love you'
appraoch. maybe in many many years to come but nor now, please they are still too young and will be totally torn.

have been through similar with my dsc its frustrating but natural for them to want to 'blame' someone

My children and SD are going to have to know the truth about what happened when they were little because my children's half sister is 4 months older than the oldest boy. They don't need to know all the gory details but knowing the truth about your parents and that they are not perfect is not a necessarily bad thing.

OP I think your partner needs to have a chat as well as explain that you were nothing to do with the breakup of her parents and the real reason he left. Why should he be blamed for her Mother having an affair? At 15 and 16, they are old enough to understand the concept of an affair (again not all the gory details) but that Dad was told to leave because Mum was seeing someone else and that you came on the scene much later and how happy those early years were.

If the daughter seriously will not listen, if I were your partner, I would have it out with the Mum and find out what she's playing at, explaining what a negative effect it is having on their child and how he wants it to stop.

ours may have already done the math and worked out some of it but it isn't my place (or indeed their dad's) to point it out. we try so hard to be neutral about all things. One day it may come out but it won't be from us and certainly not while they are children.
'mummy stopped loving daddy and they decided to stop living together., but they still loved/love you very much and now they are happy.'

why not take her out for a coffee small gift and have a good old fashion chat only relating to the 2yrs after bit then tell her how much you love her etc etc blah blah. teen agers can be the worst affected because they""know"" so much but in fact very little about life. goog luck

'mummy stopped loving daddy and they decided to stop living together., but they still loved/love you very much and now they are happy.'

The problem is overthemill , is that really going to cut it with a 15/16 year old, especially a 15/16 year old who has it in her head for whatever reason, that she has a wicked step mother who broke up her family?