Started to post this in AIBU - and thought again!

[foureleven]

I actually dont care if anyone thinks this is U so decided not to put this in there, hoping some of you lot will see where im coming from and offer support and faces.

So DSD stays with us 4 days one week, 3 days the next - hence she is with us half of the week and so custody is 100% shared.

However, DP pays the full 15% salary to ex (infact a little extra) without taking in to account ANY days that we have DSD.

Her mother works 3 days a week in a really basic job and has NO ambition to ever do anything more. Until she was divorced she didnt work at all. Also, the job she does she chooses to work one of the days on a saturday so that she gets maximumm time to herself i.e. DSD is at school in the week and she can get -in her own words - 'free childcare' on a saturday i.e. us.

Now I know everyone will say Im bitter/ chip on shoulder etc.. and yes I am!

But im not cross for me, Im cross for him! Its not my money. But it makes me soooo cross that she mugs him every flippin month. He works so hard, maybe 50 plus hours a week including trips away during which I have DSD by myself as her mother cant cope with having her more then 3 or 4 days a week. DP does all the parenting i.e. school meetings, form filling in, docs appointments, paying in to savings, paying pocket money, paying afterschool childcare for the 2 days she works (even though she claims tax credits herself for this) buying uniform etc

He/ we have her 6 weekend days of the month and her mother has her 2 so all the days that quality time and also money is spent she is mostly with us.

Now last week her mother asked DP for some money for clothes for DSD, at the time he said she had to be joking and that he wouldnt give it to her, pays enough already etc etc but today he has told me that he gave in and gave her the money...!

Now, I realise its not actually any of my business really, I work and have my own money. We have separate accounts. But it really is taking the piss that this waste of space parasite is just living the life of flippin reilly, claiming all sorts of benefits, getting loads of money from him (and technically our family income) and is doing NONE of the hard work parenting bits..

Also, we had a conversation recently where by we decided to stop wasting money on eating out/ coffee out etc (not that we do that much) so that we could save for things for the house that we need (DSD and My Daughters bedrooms need doing) Well I object to scrimping and flippin saving so that SHE can just put in a quick text and claim extra cash whenever she fancies!

It sounds like I object to him paying for DSDs clothes... of course I dont! But the fact is although this money technically went on her clothes, it means that her mothers money is freed up to spend on a lovely drinking/partying/salon habit that she has. We both buy DSD clothes when she needs them anyway, these were just things that her mum fancied buying her.

Grrrrrrrrr!

Why is he paying maintenance?
Does shared residency not mean no maintenance fro/to either party?
Or is this an agreement between the two of them?

IMO, with this set up he should not have to pay his ex for dd, but if he feels he must, he should to leave it there - no extras. Easier said than done though in my experience! Especially if she kicks off easily about cash [voice of experience]

Sorry not much help, but, just because you'd like to hear it.... YANBU

from/to

First reaction is what!!! , why is he paying ?

I tried to come up with reasons

........ is he getting paid significantly more than "mum", so he wants DD(DSD) to have a similar lifestyle

... .... does he feel he "owes" his ex ?

.... does he not realise the 15% can be reduced due to amount of shared care ? (PS child care is still payable to the person with the benefit book)

..... or my favourite perhaps he feels its "keep her quiet" money. Having gone through the courts and experienced the bias myself, perhaps it's easier and cheaper to give the money, so the boat stays steady.

I hear you on the why are you subsidising the ex, but legally it's not considered that way, since by the sounds of it, the kid would lose out not the ex.

If this were AIBU, then no, YANBU. He pays over what he should anyway, so I would be very annoyed that I were having to be a bit tighter with the purse strings when he was giving even more money to the ex.

But its no surprise she pushes him for more money is it? She asks, he says "not on your life", he gives in. She's got a nice little cycle going there.

If she wants the extras I would explain that I were reducing the child support to take into account the overnights ... or keep the higher rate of support but absolutely no extras to the ex. But as you say, its his money and he can do what he chooses.

Yes, unfortunately even if there is shared care, 50/50 ... the CSA for example would still demand some child support off of the person not in receipt of the child benefit. Its one of the big errors to the system because even though that person has to pay child support, they don't get a 50% share of the child benefit/tax credits etc.

Thanks guys, I know i said I didnt care if I was being unreasonable but I have started to think recently that maybe I am being a bitch. Good to know that Im probably not.
It is an agreement between him and her that he gives her money even though they share custody.. Because he knows she a lazy so and so and if he didnt contribute to DSD and her mothers household, DSD would have to go without. Now I love DSD and I agree that although its unfair, he is in the right to give his ex money so that dsd isnt hard up when shes there. Although, she doesnt struggle that much, put it this way, she has a hell of a lot more than I do after her benefits, salary, and maintenance. Also she has a partner who she loves to remind us... is very very wealthy. he pays for all her entertainment etc.

DP does earn a very decent salary but is by no means loaded, hence we are having to save for things we need for OUR home with the two of us and the two girls. Not luxuries.. DSD needs a double bed as shes a (very long!) teenager and has a double bed at her mothers (which DP paid half for) so she struggles at ours in a single. Also my daughter is in desparate need of some storage solutions. Also, we'd like a DVD player as we dont have one. And although that IS technically a luxury, I think its one we deserve considering how hard we work.

In order to save for these things one of the things we have cut down on is DP buying lunch at work. Ive started buying in tasty sandwich fillings and he's sandwiches in the morning, which is no real hardship I know. But why oh why are we faffing about with flipping sandwiches so that he can hand the saved cash over to her??!

I do feel a bitch, because Im always ready to help someone out in need. But to me I just feel like its given to her to shut her up cause shes evil if not given her own way and I am the easier one to piss off IYKWIM.

Also, As i say its not my money so not my business really.

Damn this blended family business is hard!

Couldn't agree more with your last sentence foureleven!

"Damn this blended family business is hard!" It can be bloody hard, you're absolutely right.

Your situation reminds me of when DSS was younger (he's now 19). He stayed with us every weekend without fail. His mother definitely saw if as 'free childcare'. DH was happy to do it as he would do anything for his son. DH did say in one of the mediation sessions that he just wished, for one weekend, his ex would say, sorry you can't have DS this weekend as we're doing x together. She did have (just) enough grace to look suitably shamed. It didn't change anthing though.

So, DSS was with us every weekend for the best part of 7 years (until he was 16 and started to have his own life more locally to where he lives). DH paid £900 a month, plus all the extras. He did this even when he lost his job and we went through some tough financial times. He did this because he wanted what was best for his son. I do remember one time DSS having an absolute freak out in a shop as he wanted a pair of £140 shoes (he was about 12 at the time) and his father refused. Without a doubt his mother had set him up and told him his Dad would buy them for him.

You say your DSD is a teen now? One thing I will say, and it probably won't seem that reassuring now, is that the time does soon pass and your partner will not feel beholden to his ex for very much longer.

Good luck, as you say it's bloody tough sometimes.

Thanks for the support.

I suppose actually I am proud that DP is a generous person who cares enough to pay more than his fair share for his DD. Id be more upset with him if he didnt pay enough.. well, i wouldnt be with someone like that.

The little devil on my shoulder is counting the days until DSD has finished education etc and he can pay any money she needs directly to her rather than to the ex... I actually wonder how the mother will cope.. no child benefits, no maintenance.. Oh yes, she has the wealthy boyfriend who probably will have married her by then. He can pick up the bill!

When I read your post I thought I must have had a black-out and posted it myself without realising! Your situation is so similar to mine it's unreal!

Unfortunately his money, his choice.

We do similar, have dsd for more than 50% of time but still pay the full maintenence and supply all clothes, money for school trips etc.

We do it because if we didn't dsd's quality of life at her mums/nans (she is currently at her nans rather than mums) would drop drastically.
We know that a lot of the cash goes on other things but at least my partner can say that he has never begrudged his dd a penny.

I know how frustrating it is but there is not a lot you can do.

Have you considered freecycle for a double bed frame and dvd player?

You can get a dvd player for £20 in tesco etc nowadays.

The only thing I would say is to stop giving money for extra clothes if you already supply those. Clothes can be transported from house to house.

mjinhiding: I think you are being unfair. Everyone has different circumstances and balances to deal with. Fathers, whatever the politicians and judges say, are second class. If the mother decides to deny access, or play silly games then in all honesty there is nothing that can be done. And when dealing with crazy mums then you are always walking this tightrope.

I admire the OP she obviously cares a lot for her DP.

The OP DP is not a mug, just a pragmatist. And as for not ending at 18? sure it will. Once a child has more say, the parent's power position changes.

To the OP, everyone's position is different, and it's always a balancing act - only those in the middle can know where the balance lies.

Thanks for all the replies.

MJINHIDING, I am very grateul for your rant because its kind of what I want to say about the whole situation so thank you for that.

However, it just isnt that easy. First of all its up to him to deny the mother these things and he doesnt, I cant exactly stop him doing it. I guess I could be stronger but I suppose I dont want to put even more pressure on him. i.e he's trying to do the right thing by his DD and I dont want to add myself to his list of people putting demands on him IYKWIM.

Also, in the past he has said for example he is going to stop paying the childcare.. the mother told DSD that because daddy was going to be spending all his money on me and my daughter now, they wouldnt beable to afford foodto eat and she would have to go hungry most nights. Cue a very distraught then 10 yr old DSD on the phone to her dad begging him to give her mum money.

All of the other things are kind of set now and I guess I have come to terms with them but these random requests for money for clothes etc really piss me off and I so wish he would just say no.

Mostly because despite working our arses off, we are cutting back at the moment to save... grrr

I don't understand why your household money is "his money" to give to his ex if he chooses.

Your family (including dsd) is scrimping to save money and he is giving that money away without even telling you?

He gets to feel like the magnanimous, generous father while the rest of you go short?

It's not him that's being taken for a mug, it's you fourel

I think he needs to grow a pair and tell her to fuck off.
I hate women who become money grabbing in a divorce.

How would your DH feel about going for 100% custody of his DD?
Might be better all round

mjinhiding:

I think we are of the same opinion. But where we possibly differ is what to do about it.

Dad's are in a weaker position. If they say no, you are not getting money for xxxx. The mother (in these situations) is likely to start the emotional blackmail on the children, then start the oh sorry xxx can't come today, she has swimming, sorry we are not here, sorry some other lame excuse.

Dad says fine I'll go to court. Good luck. (My experience is there are still judges who can't see how dad could ever be more than a visitor).

Sometimes it is easier to "give in". I don't think its weakness, but pragmatism. Also it also really depends on who cares (I mean actually cares about) the child more.

These mothers have no compulsion of using their child as a tool or weapon. I don't know if they realise or see it.

There comes a point where you have to take a stand, my point is where that line is can only be decided by those in the middle of things. It appears to have worked for you. I speak from my own experience, and it cost me a lot of money, time and stress.

Personally I wouldn't give all the extras the OP's other half does. I would argue, "maybe it would be better that DSD live with us then". But the reaction and consequences are not predictable.

Id love to have her 100% but mother wont allow it and DSD wouldnt either because she of course (and quite naturally and rightly so) loves her mum and likes that she spends equal time with her and her dad.

Re it being 'his' money. We both have separate accounts, he earns more than me and so pays a bit more towards the household. I buy things that my daughter needs and he buys things that his daughter needs so technically the money he gives DSD mum comes out of his pocket. And I am no worse off for it exactly. I can support myself and my daughter.

BUT, it is different now that we have both said we'll make a concscious effort to save for things the girls both need, which we will both be paying for. because now I begrudge going without luxuries when she doesnt have to.. I'm so pleased that people agree with me. I honestly thought I would get told to stop being a selfish bitch!

Thing is, people in RL have said to me that its natural to try and grab every penny you can from your ex... How is that? I dont do it.

My Ex and I have 2 children and I would not dream of grabbing money off of him.

Family allowance and Tax credits pay for children's clubs school dinners, bus fare and so on.

I pay for the food in my house him in his, we both spend money on taking the children out (mostly we still go out as a family and pay as such) and we both pay for their shoes and clothes, I would never dream of taking a penny off of him for me as I am a grown up and can look after myself, I do not expect him to pay my bills why the hell should he.

I have a new DP and he is happy to pay for things my children need if I am short of cash, but I never ask him to as they are not his children and I do not expect him to pay out for them that is the job of me and their dad.

I know people who the moment they split sit with £££ in their eyes thinking it is a way to get back at the Ex and yes it is but it is childish and vulgar along with it.

The children are 50% mine 50% his and the cost is split between us, He is a grown up so am I so we do not need money off of each other.

I dont think DSDs mum ever grew up, I think thats the problem.

She has a very ugly sense of entitlement and IMO uses her daughter as a meal ticket. Always has done.

Still as I often remind myself, I am actually very content with my lot so although her behaviour... and his with the giving in to her if Im honest... irratates me. I knew in myself that I would take my situation over hers any day.

Oh yes MJ, DSD's mother regularly phones DSD to say that shes upset because she's having a 'fat' day. To which DSD will reply 'oh mum, you're not fat, youre beautiful'

Its revolting. And then there was the time when the mother had a boob job and DSD had to care for her when she got ill because of it.. Eww.

She'll tell her how lonely she is when DSD is with us and how it makes her feel needed when DSD crys because she misses her mum.

Its all stuff we all have in our heads but would never ever communicate to a developing child.

I just try to feed her strong female vibes where I can...

Since my first OP, the bitch has buggered off on holiday while DP was away with work so Ive had to have DSD (not that I mind but you know) she's let DSD skive 3 days off school because she finds it hard to get up and take her to school when its a day she doesnt work herself.
AND she asked for (and got)money for DSDs summer school uniform and even a £4 vest for her dance class which ok, we take her too.. but DP paid about £100 for the rest of the uniforms for it...

Blah blah it'll never change. Im looking at it from the point of view now that Im lucky to have her DD so often and be able to contribute. Just in case anyone's interested in an update...

Ill be back to being annoyed about it tomorrow though Im sure.