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Step-parenting

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Original poster

When to move new partner in?

14 replies

SlightlyScatty · 10/05/2010 14:03

Hi there.

I'm new to Mumsnet, but I wanted to get some advice. I am a mum of 3 and I split up with my husband (for the second time) a year ago. We were together 9yrs in total. The split was mainly my decision, but my ex could see we were over.

Things with my ex were fairly friendly- as long as I lived rigidly by his terms and showed no interest in meeting someone new. He treated me as if we were still married but living in separate homes. (& no, no intimacy!!)

In January this year I met a really wonderful man, and I told my ex at the end of February. He had a breakdown, wouldn't allow me to introduce the kids to my new partner (I hadn't intended to rush into that anyway!) or even for my partner to visit when the kids were asleep! We agreed (grudgingly) on Easter as a fair time for the kids & my new partner to meet, but my ex has caused problems all the way.

Although I could have gone against his wishes, I wanted to try & keep things amicable, but it hasn't really worked out that way.

Anyway, my kids have met my new partner & they all get on wonderfully. I have also met my new partner's daughter, who he sees regularly, and everything is going great.

So my dilemma now is that we would like to move in together at some point- but when is a reasonable amount of time before this happens?

I'm far from naive or easily led- this relationship is on a whole new level for me & I think it's the real thing. We really hate being apart, and there are financial considerations maintaining 2 homes- but of course, I don't want to rush anything!

Finally there is the fact that my ex & his family would be dead against the idea.

So now what? Any advice would be very gratefully received!

OP posts:

TheChicOfIt · 10/05/2010 14:15

Could your new partner perhaps stay over one night and see how the children deal with that?

If they seem happy with it, then I would gradually have him stay over more often, so you can monitor how the children are.

When it comes to the point of him moving in officially, I would sit down with them and explain everything before it actually happens.

As for your ex - it is completely unreasonable that he should be dictating to you whether you have a partner or not, or whether you should be moving in together.

Sounds to me as if he is still a bit hung up on you.

buttons99 · 10/05/2010 14:39

I was in a very similar situation when I first met my DH. We did move in together in a very short space of time. We met in the feb and moved in together in the May. (Got married 4 years later!)

What we did was I stayed over at his at weekends to start with, then we tried a two week stint over Easter and it went well so we decided to just gor for it and I and my 3 children moved 4 weeks later to live with him and his 2 children. I adored it for 6 months, then we went through a sticky patch where I most day thought I had taken on too much and wished we had kept our seperate homes but spent alot of time together (now I am glad that wasn't an option as it made us work at it where as had I had my house still I would prob have run back there rather than tackle the problems)

My ex was VERY posesive, both whilst I was in the relationship with him and since. I had court orders against him when we first split because of his threats towards me and the children. Even now and we have been split up 7 years and divorced for 5 he still trys to boss me about....doesn't get him far now, I def have found more strength to tackle him (mainly cos my now DH has boosted my confidence and shown me my strengths)and he still doesn't like the fact I amwith someone else, he was demanding to see the kids alot until he realised that left me and DH on our own alot and so he doesn't see the kids much as he knows that stops DH and I having much time on our own!!!

I would try to make your decision based on what you feel is right for you, your dp and the children. the ex had his chance and blew it (for whatever reasons) Take it slowly, don't have on the rose tinted glasses I had, being a stepfamily is hard work, but if you and your dp want to be together you can together get through it. My DH used to tell me I was ugly, fat, horrible etc etc and no-one would want me. I am married again, happy and with a man who adores me. How wrong the ex was!!! Good luck.

Original poster

SlightlyScatty · 10/05/2010 14:45

Thanks for such a quick response.

My partner is staying over some nights & the kids are perfectly happy about it. I discussed it at length with my eldest (who is almost 14) before it happened & I also asked my younger 2 who are 6 & 4 when the time came if that was ok & they agreed to it too.

My ex IS still hung up on me, but I have made it clear all along that we had no chance of reconciliation. (there are many very valid reasons & he does accept them to a degree) I agree it is unreasonable for him to dictate to me, too, but I had become used to keeping my head down to avoid an argument.

One of my concerns is my eldest- he is a mature kid & we talk alot & I know he worries about my ex (due to his mental health etc...) so although he gets on really well with my new partner, he doesn't want to see my ex upset...

OP posts:

foureleven · 12/05/2010 18:30

I think the kindest thing you could do for your ex would be to not consider him in any of your plans with your life. It may give him false hope if you delay things just to protect his feelings.

This new chap should be your focus. If he gets an incling that you are putting your ex ahead of him he may be pissed off.

Imagine if this thread was 'My partner wont move in with me because his ex wont allow it'

In regard to how long you should wait, what ever feels right for you... We moved in after a year.. It was fine for us.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 12/05/2010 18:35

I agree with those who have said that your ex shouldn't be a consideration in this situation

however, I think that moving in after 4 months is too soon
dh and I moved in together after 4 weeks
but I was 19, childless and carefree
I would think very carefully before moving a man in with my children when the relationship was so new

foureleven · 12/05/2010 18:37

Oh, I missed the 4 months... Maybe that is a little soon.

I ould be slightly peeved if my ex moved a woman in after 4 months and he only has DD 2 nights a week.

Unsearchable · 12/05/2010 18:42

Your ex and his familyhave nothing to do whatsoever with the decisions you make regarding your relationships. You have had the courtesy of conceding to his wishes regarding your new partner meeting the children, now it's time for a 'back to reality' slap for your ex, as he has to realise that he can't control you any more.

Youmove in with him when YOU want to move in with him. You introduce him to the kids when YOU want to.

You are the one who has residency, unless you have previous for neglecting your children's needs you should be trusted to put them first in your decisions.

mjinhiding · 13/05/2010 09:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TheChicOfIt · 13/05/2010 13:14

I answered quite quickly before, but I also just wanted to add this.

I fell head over heels with my DH when we first met and we moved in together within 9 months.

To me, I felt that this was relatively quick, but we were so wrapped up in love that we did it anyway.

Almost immediately we had problems - because the day to day mundane things in life took over from the overwhelming feelings of lust that had been initially there.

DH had similar problems from his ex-g - she did not want me to meet their DD, went berserk when I did, called me a gold digger, all sorts of names, that I would not take her place etc.

All this even though she left him for another man ....

Anyway what I am trying to say is that it may not be easy - in our case it was very difficult. I am sure DH thought of ending it with me as he could not bear the upset that he and DD were being put through. But we worked through it and things got a lot easier and we are still here to tell the tale 5.5 years down the line.

DH is a peacekeeper, and told a lot of fibs to ex-g re me (and vice versa), for an "easy life", but I do think that if he had been totally upfront and honest in the beginning, with almost a "I don't care what you think" attitude towards ex-g, then it would have been a lot easier for us.

Hope that makes sense and is relative to your situation .

Original poster

SlightlyScatty · 21/05/2010 09:27

Thanks everyone for your answers.

I still haven't made any final decisions, but I'm more comfortable with the idea now.

I think that my partner and I know how important and delicate the situation is for the kids. We have/are giving all aspects plenty of consideration and won't do anything we are not sure the children will be happy with.

That said, the children are already keen on the idea!

I guess I have been worrying more about what other people would think, than about what is right for all of us. Your answers have helped me see what is important to consider and what isn't, so thanks again.

OP posts:

Molliesmum · 25/05/2010 12:34

Sounds a very familiar situation to me. Sometimes I think we give far too much consideration to the wishes of exes, but it is really hard when it is the kid's dad and when you know they have feelings for you still. I've been with my partner for 7 months now and he commented the other day that he feels there is 3 of us in the relationship. Having said that, although he does stay over, I don't see the need to rush into moving in together because even if the kids do seem happy with it, sometimes they just need plenty of time to adapt and also families and exes need time to come to terms with things.You might get a lot less hassle if you waited a bit longer?

ScreaminEagle · 25/05/2010 12:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Plutonia · 27/05/2010 10:05

I moved in with DH after a year of dating and seeing his daughter on a regular basis before and staying over night from time to time in my DH's flat.

I think this is a fair amount of time to give yourself, the couple and the child.

That is not to say that we did not have problems when we moved in together as a family. My DS was fine with me all the time before the move, we went on really well.... the moment we moved together - big crisis, fights all the time with the little one, the biological mother becoming very antagonistic....etc. you need to expect this.

My councellor told me that this is normal - everytime a big change occurs in the life of a divorced child, they want to have their Mom and Dad together again. Over time and gradually it became better... after 1,5 year of common life together we have now arrived at a true "family feeling".

I guess what I wanted to say is - where children are involved, you need to take your time... step by step...that would be my advice. The last thing you want to do is move all in, find out the relationship does not work and then separate and let the child go through this. This is what happened to the bio mother of my DS - she moved in with a guy too quickly, after 3 months of dating, they lived together for a year and then they broke up. My DS has not seen this man for over a year now but still talks about him.... kids are slow!

Plutonia · 27/05/2010 10:08

.... and I forgot: never overlook that the break up of the parents was a trauma for the child. It does not matter how amicable it happened for the adults involved, for the child it is always a VERY sad thing to happen when Mom and Dad do not live together any longer. Don't let them go through this again, if you can avoid it.....

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