dss moved back in - mixed feelings

[GoodDaysBadDays]

I've posted in Sn topic this morning too so apologies to those who are sick of me already I'm a serial lurker but occasional poster and this morning is my first time starting a thread so bear with me!

I'm not new to being a step-mum, been with dh for 11 years and had lots of contact with his dc's in that time - overnight stays, holidays, even when he's worked away etc. His ds (13) lived with us for 6 years until last summer but has just moved back in. so we know each other well, I was his main carer most of the time (sahm, dh self employed so can be long hrs) we have 3 other dc's at home - my ds (13), and our ds (3) and dd (1)

It was a hard few years with dss, he has behavioural and emotional issues and possibly asd and I have to admit the the last 8 months without him living here full time have been, quiet, calm and much more enjoyable as a parent. My and dh's relationship has improved and we have been able to go out and leave dc's with a babysitter for the first time in years.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he's come home. I hope that we can give him the support he needs and I do feel a sense of relief that he's back here.

But I'm scared too! I don't want to go back to the angry house we were last summer, I want to help him, I want to be a good parent to him and my other dc's but I'm worried I wont cope with it all again. It was really hard work.

I don't know what I'm asking, I'm just maybe looking for support (although If I was reading this I think I'd tell myself to get a grip) I just want to do the right thing for dss, he's been through so much and I don't want to fuck him up even more by not having the strength to do it. And I don't want to fuck the other dc's up in the process. Argh! I hate all the thinking!

Hi. Can sympathise, I have DSD aged 11 with ASD and ADHD and have mixed feelings too. When she is here (she lives with us) we have control, we know she is safe, we know its the right place for her to be, BUT when she is at her Mums boy is eveything much easier, the house is quieter, its calmer, the tension melts away, the other DC are calmer and happier, DH and I get on better and I am a happier smilier person.

I guess all I can suggest is to be strong from day one (draining though isn't it!) try to accept him back but to also keep the calm you have created, easier said than done I know. I often have to walk away (or look away when she has been a pain in the bum and then switches on the cutey for her Dad!) and just try not to let her get to me. I have to be strict with her (not me at all really and not something I find easy) and if you are his main carer I guess you have to be the same.

Sorry to not be able to offer much advice, just didn't want to read and not reply. Take care.

Thank you so much buttons

It's good to hear there are others in such a similar situation, your first paragraph sums it all up perfectly in a much better way than I did!

Your advice really hits the mark too, I feel i may keep you on my shoulder the next few weeks

It's also good to know other people do get through it and that it's not always perfect.

Oh how I wish i'd discovered Mumsnet years ago!

Please happily sit me there and rant whenever you like . I am often lurking even when not posting. I check mumsnet virtually every day.

You know, often you are at home its all getting too much(but prob not that bad really on the grand scale of things)and just being able to let off steam can make a world of difference.

I have days I am more than happy to be a stepmum, days I tolerate it, and days I could quite happily send em back {gift wrapped if reqd )having said that there are days I could send my own stroppy 13 year old back where she came from too...sounds a little painful and eye watering though..it was bad enough first time round!!!

A sense of humour helps, though some days I have to remnd myself of that!

It can seem extra hard that you have taken on a SC with problems too, when from all accounts a step family where the children don't have problems is a big enough task.

I know I get really down that I seem to be the one always sorting her out, be that when she is at home, plus school issues, medical appts, friends, eating her food....now theres my BIG issue. Bugs me as her own Mum is a waste of space when she should be putting the effort in to bring up the child she choose to have. She "accidentally" fell pregnant when she thought DH and her where about to split up! DH accepts his responsibility and we both know the best place for SD is with us but it can be VERY hard at times. My DH is working alot too. I am a SAHM too and my DH has a job plus is self employed too so always busy.

I know I often want to get hold of her mother and explain what being a Mum is all about and that its not a part time hobby you can dip in and out of when you feel like it. Now I am on one!!!!

Anyway calm thoughts......ah! thats better. Anytime you like just rant away, bye for now.

Oh crap. am sitting here in tears already and it's only day 3!

DS1 (the 13yo) has been crying this eve (not a common occurrence) He's unhappy with this whole situation.

He said that he doesn't spend much time with me as it is and it will only be worse now. Ds2 has sn and is demanding, one of his more challenging traits is screaming - anytime - anywhere - any reason. When i suggetsed to ds that he told me some things he wanted to do, he said he doesn't bother suggesting them as ds2 would just end up screaming and then that would start the baby off (can't argue with that) I said I enjoy it (and I really do - he's fab company) when he comes to walk the dog with us or when we go shopping (often for things for him too!) but he's right, ds2 and dd1 are always the focus. And now i've added dss to the equation.

He's upset as he and dss don't get on that well. Actually dss annoys him. Always has, they are very different and dss has his problems which make him quite hard to get along with. Ds does try and they do do some things together but dss doesn't get that ds doesn't want to spend every minute playing computer games with him. Unfortunately they are in adjoining rooms, dss hasn't gone back into his old bedroom. I said that we'd have rules to keep his privacy but he feels that dss wouldn't stick to them (probably true)

He was so upset, it was horrible. But he was honest too - nothing he said was completely unreasonable or sulky which made it even worse. He want's things back the way they were, he was happy then. And the horrible thing is, in the time dss was not here both dh and I had seen a change in ds1, more confident and happy, better relationships with both of us (me and ds1 have always been close but it's been even better recently) he's even doing better at school (teachers have commented too).

I'm devastated he's feeling like this. Dh and I have just argued about this too so now we're back to that aswell.

Oh ffs, this is shit

Deep breaths...and a virtual hug....

Its really early days, if you are anything like me this is a balancing act you are trying to manage. There is room for everyone in the family but its no easy feat. Sounds like you have a good relationship with your DS1 which is fab.

My SD and DD1 and DD2 all share a room and have no private space so if yours can have their own rooms thats a bonus towards sorting things out. I agree you do need to instill into your SS from day 1 of his return that he has to respect DS space. Maybe they could compromise DS will play computer game for such and such a time (and set the time at the start so everone knows where they are up to) and SS then leaves DS alone. we have the same and have made them each agree to give abit to the other.

My sd can be a right madam at saying she wants to play a game with my dd's and then when its set up she won't join in as it would mean her leaving her computer or DS. Now I say Ok dont play but you are coming off the comuter/ds anyway as you have been unfair to the girls. Invariably now she will play if she has promised to as she knows she won't get to stay on the computer anyway.

One of the biggest problems you have is the same as me, we have a large family and we can't share ourselves around them all as much as we would like. My youngest aged 10 suffers as SD (11) has sn, DD (13) is high maintenance proper stroppy etc, DS (15) is moody and DSS (19) is a lazy layabout. Good this parenting isn't it so dd (10) can't get much of a look in, she is the quiet pleasant member of the family and keeps me sane!!!

Your DS has had his world shaken up by the re arrival of SS, give him time to re adjust. Keep talking, I often take my 3 in the car with me even if its just to drop one of them off somewhere and we have a chat, just us. Can you find a time when you and ds can do something just the two of you, I take mine swimming on a Friday night sometimes all 3 but sometimes a different combination, and we chat in the cafe afterwards. Infact now sc's are at their Mums on a weekend my DH sometimes comes swimming with us and we enjoy time and he gets a chance for him to build a relationship with my dc.

This whole "blended" family thing and the trying to be peace maker, negotiator, fair to everyone and still remain sane is a s..t at times.

We have also stressed to them all that they may not like the set up we live in all the time but they have to get on with it. My DD aged 13 can be very vocal and really outspoken that she doesn't like the set up (unless of course her stepdad is mending her computer or something similar then she likes him!!) Many a time I have heard them say how much they dislike sd and especially the fact she has sn so takes up so much of my time...and more importantly energy!!

With regards DH I think you are both trying to come to terms with the change and I would guess he is feeling guilty that the "normal" life you got to is being uprooted and because of his child. I know my DH feels bad about that often. I would say if you can to try and talk to him, you both need to acknowledge that his ds moving in is uprooting the dynamics of the family and that your DH has to support you through it. Easier said than done I know, i am typing that thinking yeh right when my own DH leaves 95% childcare to me including his dc.

We do talk alot though, he knows I don't find being a stepparent easy (infact TBH I don't like it but make do in a situation I need to make the best of in order to have him and to do right by his children)

Hope you haven't used a full box of andrex this morning. Buttons x

Wow thanks, that really put everything in perspective.

Your life sounds much more complicated than mine too, It's made me feel that I can do this without having a breakdown (that's not as much of a joke as i'd like it to be!)

I do feel lots better today, I guess we all need to re-adjust.

I can cope with anything if I have a 'plan' and am in control, especially if a letter needs writing or a form filling in (not a control freak, just organised!) but as soon as I am not in control I find it very hard. I know that's something I need to work on, and I am much calmer about stuff now and I know I just need to roll with it, and tell ds1 to do the same!

I will try and find something ds and I can do together, and maybe something for ds1 and dss and me too without the babies. It might mean dh has to do some childcare but that should be good for him!

On a positive note dh and his ex have just been to the court and had a parental responsibility agreement witnessed giving me PR for dss, I've never had a problem dealing with his official stuff before but thought this might be a positive step for both dss and me, him knowing I am committed to him as a parent and having that 'official' responsibility will, I hope, be good for me too!

Anyway, thanks buttons, your posts make so much sense and have been just what I have needed. x

No problem. Anytime. x

By the way I can relate to the being in control!!!! I am a list person and one of the biggest issues we had was I and my kids planned ahead, DH and his did it all day by day. We have both adjusted a little I would say and are somewhere in the middle now..........well he thinks so..I still plan just don't vocalise it so much.. Hee! Hee!

Bye for now x

have you asked your doctor for any help perhaps therapy could help this child. he is obviously very unhappy and maybe a quiet talk with him may help. try and do the odd thing alone with your child so he doesn't feel left out and maybe find something that the boys can do at wkends. cricket club colts?? god luck

Sorry Latootle, not been back for a bit, thanks for the advice...

Have spoken to GP who have referred him for counselling and also this week spoken to school nurse who was lovely and is looking at things to support both boys and us as a family too, so feeling quite looked after at the moment!

They did loads of clubs as younger boys but not so interested now, ds plays football which he is fanatical about so that's a good escape for him but can't get him interested in anything else!

Dss is thinking about going back to scouts, but I think that will be unlikely. Shame as he will love it.

This last week has been easier than anticipated, I'm not kidding myself that it will always be like this but am feeling a little more relaxed

Glad to hear things are not too bad at the moment. x