Is it OK to have flexible access arrangements?

[Petal02]

I?m married to a lovely guy, and am step-mum to a 15yr old boy.

The problem is the inflexibility of access arrangements. We have stepson on alternative weekends, plus one night in the week. These arrangements have always been set in stone, and unless we?re literally out the country, my husband won?t request any ?variation.? I get the impression that lots of separated fathers have problems getting access, whereas our situation is quite the opposite ? the ex wife is only too pleased to despatch her son to us, and complains bitterly to her son on the odd occasion when we?re changed the arrangements. Although she?s never actually declined any changes.

So the stepson is nearly 16, and has a rigid schedule that would be more appropriate to a far younger child. The stepson is extremely quiet and shy, so doesn?t have a social life/friends of his own, and therefore never requests any change to the arrangements, simply because he has no reason to.

But if I suggest to my husband that we might occasionally vary the arrangements to accommodate work/family occasions etc etc, he is horrified. The poor guy still feels a lot of guilt over the break up (not sure why, cos she left him) and seems very keen not to rock the boat with his ex, or risk changing his son?s routine in any way. Do teenagers need such strict routes? Stepson generally seems quite cool about any changes, and generally takes things in his stride. It?s my husband?s reluctance to even broach the subject that causes the frustration. And therefore we end up with straight-jacket style arrangements, that cause all sorts of problems (for both of us) simply because he?d rather stick pins in his eyes that tweak the access occasionally.

It is reasonable to think that we could be a little flexible now that stepson is nearly 16? Surely it won?t harm him?

We have a similar set up with my xh but we are both flexible and regularly swap days/weekends to suit us/them. My dds are 10/8 and have no problem with being flexible so no idea why an older child would have problems

That's interesting - if children as young as 8 and 10 can cope with varied arrangements, then surely a near 16 yr old can. What perplexes me is that my husband is so reluctant to even suggest any flexibility, I suspect it's because stepson is very quiet and sensitive, and that he's scared of unsettling him. I don't think it's healthy to molly-coddle a child so much.

We have always done it. So since dd2 was born.

There are times when we switch or cancel contact, and these days, now dsd is older, it's in discussion with her and she decides if she wants to come or not.

But on the whole we've never changed contact because we've had things on. If it's family stuff (mine or dh's) dsd is automatically included, if dh is working I'll look after her or she goes to a holiday club. For me it made it a much more "normal" relationship for her with us. I never wanted her to feel like we could choose whether to have her or not. If it was our weekend, we made arrangements for her just like her mum had to if she needed to go out/work.

I dont think flexible works when their little its like saying 'you should be with your mum/ dad this weekend but theyd rather be doing x,y,z so youre with us'

Its very unsettling. Also its like using the other parent as a babysitter IMO.

However, once they have their own social life (14plus?)there HAS to be some leaway.. Its not fair for them to miss out on their own life because their parents arent together.

I think every situation is different. We never change access arrangments with my dss as all hell would break loose with the ex. Sadly, we are viewed as her free child minders so life is just easier to work our lives around our dss for the limited times he is with us, very much as Abundantia and cat64 have described above. But with my xh and my dd, the arrangments work well with us being flexible. She has her usual days with her dad, but if he needs to change something, I know he will always make it up to her in another way, e.g. have her an extra night the following week. And it's not often he asks to change things so it's not a big deal. It all depends on the attitude of the people concerned and unfortunately, your dh seems to have an ex with an attitude very much like my dh's ex, and from expereince, I can tell you it just makes life easier to stick to set arrangements. But then again, the same will hold true of us not agreeing alterations if she suddenly wants to shift things around because something in her social life has made having dss on one of her days not so convenient !

why not try and find some activity that your stepson can do on the wkends he is with you, there must be a cricket club or something that will enhance his social life as well or ask him once in a while to bring a friend?? poor kids dont ask to be in this situation.