I hate being a stepparent

[3GirlsMum]

The title says it all really. Yet again we are having problems with hubby's ex because stepson has gone home and told a whole series of lies which she chooses to believe!

I have gone out of my way to make sure stepson is included in our lives even though we live nearly 300 miles away. He is invited on holidays and has long stays in the school holidays, yet nothing I ever do is right for him. Everytime he has a problem according to the ex its all my hubbys fault, even though she has been in a very on/off relationship with an alcoholic for the past two years!

Stepson goes home and tells his mother that his father has given him no attention and that he is afraid to talk to him. This is so untrue and we are at a loss to understand why he is behaving this way (I should add that he is nearly 11 years old).

Ex refuses to believe that all the problems are in stepsons head and wants father to take a more active role but then cant be bothered to tell him when she has problems at school with stepson like she has recently. Hubby has suggested that his son has real problems at the moment and that they need to join together to sort this out, she doesnt agree, she thinks there is nothing wrong with him other than security because in her words he walked out on both of them.

I should add that I have been with hubby for 10 years now and he didnt leave her for me although we got together soon afterwards. We have three children together and they used to adore seeing stepson but now ask that he doesnt visit. They feel very resentful because when he is here he is rude and bossy to them and he commands all his fathers attention.

Whilst I realise he is still a child and it must be hard for him he has grown up knowing the way things are. He has turned into a really manipulative boy and I suspect this his mother has poisoned him against me because of how he reacts when he first comes to visit.

Sorry needed to rant but I wonder if anyone else has had similar experiences?

If only there was a handbook when you feel like exploding because your DSS BM has told him she couldnt get him an easter egg because the whole town had run out of them!!! If only there was a handbook when your DH burys his head in the sand re the way his DS treats you.
If only there was a handbook to tell you to stop acting like a child when you give 110% and
feel like you aren`t achieving anything.
If only there was a handbook to tell you how to be a Step parent !! alas there is mumsnet
thank you

I've only read your initial post, 3girlsmum but having been an awkward stepchild myself and a stepmum, I would try to imagine yourself being in your sds' position. How would you be feeling?

I have just been helped by one of my close freinds who is in Human resources. She told me to draw a big circle called the Sphere of Influence. Outside the circle you write all the things you have no control over eg for this thread, things like cretinous exes/BMs (usually), and then you put IN the circle the things over which you have control.

Invariably there will be loads outsdie and very little inside. Inside mine was only "my ability to help my step childrens development when they are with me" (about 45% of the time).

Outside was all the stuff like - BM refuses any contact with me whatsover (which makes every interaction painfully difficult to doas it has to go through my husband), inabiluty to attend any school/social events in step children's life at their mothers house, any significant say in arrangemetns for them to come to us (she works and travels abroad often and I am the primary childcare solution for all tricky situations - she has no nanny and relies on us and a childminder) and any influence over the fact that we pay her almost twice the csa amount.

hey ho - it is a good exercise - it focuses you on what you can and cannot do. also - helps dozy husband to understand why i get worked up sometimes.visual aids are useful even for the best of men,,,,!

SAAS1963 - I am also a stepmother. My stepsons' mother works and also travels abroad for work, so I have similar issues to contend with.

You as stepmother should NOT be a free childcare solution for your stepchildren's mother when she is at work, as and when she deems it necessary. That is wrong. She should employ someone or ask a member of HER family to help out.

anna - i totally agree but am on the floor laughing - because this will NEVER happen!

my husband splits all holidays 50/50 with her but he works abroad too and has a busy job and so can't always do the whole of that share of the holidays. i do not work and look after my 3 kids (their dad lives in another city most of the week and so mine never see their father in the week)most of each school holiday.

I would LOVE my husband to understand - truly understand - how bl**Dy irritating it is to be TOLD by her through him (becasue she refuses to have any contact with me) that the kids are coming on x,y or z. day.

Today he has had to go to work very early, mind are still with their dad (unusually) and i have the step kids till their mother gets off her lazy arse to come round here at lunch time to collect them.

I do not work so hey what else would i be doing......

thank you for sympathising. it is so refreshing! you have never met an exwife like the one in my life - although reading through some of these posts I can see theri are others.

what always amazes me is taht the woman is about to get remarried, she lives in the huge detached house my husband gave her, she works so has her own money, we give her a shed load of money ( much more than the legal requirememnt) and ontop of that we have the kids about 45%of the time.

even though all of this you would assume might make her vaguely contented she still behaves like a total old rat bag from time to time. less so recently but still enough to be a shock.

sorry for raving!

SAAS1963 - what can I say?

I would NOT be able to put up with the "child custody" arrangements you have.

My partner's ex also lives in the huge apartment they used to live in, and she has a full-time (and grossly underemployed) nanny paid for by my partner, a nanny who cannot have sole charge of the boys overnight .

I do not have any contact with my stepsons' mother (I have never met her) and all childcare/custody arrangements are made between her and my partner. However, as time has gone by, I have made it very clear that I wish to keep to a set arrangement. I am prepared to renegotiate a set agreement, but I am NOT a hotel keeper who has to keep her diary open at all times just in case it suits my stepsons' mother. I am also at home, not working, but that doesn't make me a service provider/enabler for my partner's ex-wife. I would not be able to bear that

anna - you and i are clearly in the same boat.
my problem is that the ex is a total old bat. she was very difficult throughout their marriage (why left) and has continued in that vein since I was on the scene.
I was her friend from university which adds grist to her mill of hatred. I was also freinds with him - my now husband - and they were a couple since the mid 80s. No idea why he married her since he saw ALL the issues even then - but men can be young and foolish,

basically she bullied him emotionally and he finds it hard to stand up to her becasue seh used the children as a threat against him,
ie if he didnt agree to seomething then he wouldnt have them.

I have encouraged him to be braveer with her and more forceful which he is but also to get him to realise that her threats of witholding the kids are EMPTY threats as she is desparate for us to have them as childcare options and to give her free time.

slowly it gets better - but it has been a horrible 5 years,

i should add that he did not leave her for me - they lives in america for 10years of their 12 year marriage so i cannot see that I was to blame for the collapse of their marriage - if anyone is trying to see her point of view!

Do you have a formal/legal arrangement about child custody?

My opinion, on my own circumstances (and everyone's are different), is that I am in a couple with my partner and that there are things I do for my partner, just as there are things he does for me, and we agree on what we do for one another.

One of the things I do for him is provide catering, laundry, household support for his two children when they are with us according to an agreement negotiated between us. In order for me to provide those services I need to know pretty much exactly when the children are going to be with us.

One of the things I do NOT do is provide catering, laundry, household support for his ex-wife. So if she has a work trip or any other diary arrangement and wishes us to have the boys on top of the agreed arrangement I expect (a) to be consulted a very long time ahead (b) to be able to say no if I have other commitments (c) to be thanked copiously (by him) if I do the "extra" work.

Incidentally, I would add that the firmer/clearer I have become about this, the less I think about "her" and the less I get annoyed about her shortcomings . And my partner also stops having expectations of her that are unrealistic - we have come to an informal arrangement whereby he deals with clothes, hairdresser, school etc, supported by me, rather than him just being annoyed that she wasn't buying them clothes or having their haircut or thinking about their education.

hi! thanks for that. yes we do have a formal arrangement which specifies i think 10 nights a month. And does not address the holidays at all. It also specified an amount of money which was almost 3 times the legal %of his net salary (so we suffered!).

However he is a very hands on dad and has, right from the start, had them and wanted them for more time than that. So informally we have them at least 10 nights a month plus half of each school holiday AND for blocks of time when she travels to the US or on this occassion in December when she goes on her honeymoon for 2 weeks.

The kids go to school near her which is 20 miles from us so NOT easy.

We have reduced the money to a more manageable level (twice the legal %).

She constantly harps on for more - she asks for extras all the time. She sends the kids to school with no lunch money on their cards so we are often presented with the choice of having a fight with her on the phone or just sending extra money in for them.

when we have them in the holiday for an overnight stay they arrive at say 10am on a morning and leave 6pm the next day.however when she has them for a night we have to drop them no earlier than 6-7pm AFTER supper as she alwways insists and then sends them back at 10am often without breakfast.

the only satisfaction i get from this is that one day they will work it out. but then it waill be a sad day as they will inevitably be very hurt when they realise how she offloads them whenever possible.

she has a very cold heart, I spend a lot of time trying to ensure that they dont "feel" it - by being a very kind stepmother I hope.

Yes, I know the sort of thing, my partner's ex is not the maternal type either . She doesn't sound quite as bad as your husband's ex, but she offloads/subcontracts the children without a second thought.

I do think that having a very clear, formal arrangement that you agree not to deviate from for shared custody makes a huge difference both to you as stepmother and also to your stepchildren - my stepsons used to complain quite a lot when their parents harboured the illusion that "flexible" custody was "kinder". It's not. It suits working parents who need flexible childcare, but not stay at home parents nor the needs of children who need routine and stability, in particular when their parents are separated.

If I were you (and I'm not) I'd try to renegotiate a much less flexible arrangement. I don't think you should let yourself be used as free childcare to enable your husband's ex-wife's career, and, critically, I don't think your husband should treat you this way . And you might all be a LOT happier knowing where you all stand.

And you need to specify drop-off and pick-up times too - we have 6.30 pm drop-offs. On the dot

quite right Anna - do you want to come over here from gaie paris and help me out??

Trouble is (and I have known the ex as I say for over 20 years) she is and always has been totally chaotic whereas i am as an ex lawyer the utter reverse. She lurches from one vague arrangement to another. Since my hubby often works abroad it is hard to stick to a fixed time plan UNLESS i agree to go the 20 miles to pick the kids up in the week - which when i have 3 of my own is pretty tricky. so the day they come in the week often changes from one week to the next.

SHE likes the haphazard nature as it works for her. I hate it. Not sure what the kids feel - certainly MY kids dont like it. they miss their stepsiblings a lot and are often disappointed to find that they are not coming today but tomorrow instead.

breakthrough! she just came to pick them up AND she came to the door AND she said hello! utterly amazing. she had no choice cos hubby is at work. clearly her 3 days without her kids suit her as her hair looked amazingly well groomed!

My husband's ex is chaotic, too - she is perpetually late for appointments, "pops out" for five minutes and is gone for three hours etc.

I agree that your situation is very complicated, more than mine. Can your stepchildren ferry themselves to and from your house or is that impossible? I never do pick-ups or drop-offs - if there is no-one to do it, then the boys take the bus (but admittedly it's not far at all) on their own.

I do think that you really shouldn't be the enabler for the ex-wife's chaotic lifestyle, and that your husband ought to be able to see that (though I know from experience that the most reasonable and loving man has a hard time understanding his ex-wife and second wife's dynamic ). That really shocks me. There are plenty of people who get through life just because there are other people willing to pick up the pieces around them - do you want that to be your life? You should be in control of your own life ie your house, your husband, your children (when you have charge of them).

Have you tried writing down a description of what would be a better, more disciplined arrangement and sharing that with your husband?

I think it's really tough being a stepmother, and ex's are often more trouble than the children...

daer anna]
i have spent the last 5 years going blue at times explaining exactly what you have just said to my husband! as you say - he is somewhat clouded in his vision of his ex. or rather - he knows she is utterly chaotic but since he now only suffers 10% of the chaos he once suffered cos he has left her HE feels that life is ok. whereas I have had huge added mess stuck into my life so it feels worse for me - AND because i have so little influence.

the oldest step child is only 12 and the other 2 are 9 and 8 so it will be a while till they can get here alone. that is the ultimate aim. but the school is 20 miles away so it will always be difficutl.

she has just booked swimming lessons for them eveyr sat monring (they can ALL swim well so why???) which now eats into every saturday when we have them. we will have to do round trips of 40 miles just to get them to their classes. they have PLENTY to do here but she still feels compelled to impinge on our time with them.

gotta to the dentists with the children. nice to tlak to you!

I don't mean to be rude... sorry if I came across that way

But I don't understand your child custody arrangements - how can the ex-wife book swimming classes for when the children are with you? How does that work? She can make unilateral decisions for her children for the times that they are with their father? That's just not right... She's behaving as if she's still married.

It must be driving you totally insane.

uuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmm yes! but then maybe things are different here in england? Am i right in thinking you are in France?

I mean she has primary care fo the kids and so she is entitled to organise stuff for the kids which if it happens to be with us menas we have to take them to stuff. I had a year and a half of doing that trip for the 2 girls dance classes on a saturday - since they are different ages they were in different classes so hubby had to hang about for over 3 hours every saturday afternoon.

you are dead right - she does behave as if she were still married! you have hit it on the head. since he loves his kids and wants them to have a nice life which is not too messed about because of divorce he wants to accommodate their activities. I agree in principal =-what i object to it sthe total unwillingness to consider how HER decisions for the kdis might work for us.

she takes the benefits of being a mother (ie making unilateral decisiosn , getting all the money from us for the kids) but shirks the tough bits of motherhood (finding and paying for childcare etc etc ).

ahhhhh - better go and htink about making supper.

ps you were not being rude!

Yes, I'm in France. My partner, his ex-wife and my stepsons are all French and French law applies.

My stepsons are resident with their mother. They spend every other weekend with us (Friday 6.30 pm to Monday morning when my partner drops them at school) and one night and half day a week, which has been Tuesday but is changing to Wednesday. They also technically spend half the holidays - that holds at Christmas and in the summer, but for the other holidays (Autumn half term, February half term, Easter, odd bank holidays) they generally spend more time with us as (a) my partner can take more holiday than their mother (b) he is more willing to spend money on camps, trips etc than she.

My partner also sees the boys at other times - he takes his younger son to school every morning, picking him up from his mother's, and he takes one or both of the boys out to lunch once a week. Their mother is fine with this.

The parents share parental responsibility jointly and equally. This means that neither can make decisions concerning the children without consultation and agreement from the other parent. Neither parent can make any type of decision concerning the activities of the children when they are with the parent.

Obviously as a stepmother one starts off being accommodating if only because one wants the best for the children and one is clueless and naïve as to what's in store . Personally I find it astonishing that the parent with whom the children reside can make unilateral decisions that affect activities when the children are with the non-resident parent - that in effect gives the ex-wife the power to decide the agenda of the new family . Are you sure that is legal in the UK?

Is your husband aware that he is still letting his ex behave as if (a) she were still married (b) she had unilateral decision-making powers over her children and your family?

You must feel very put-upon and out of control

when they are with the other parent

you are dead right anna - sounds like french law is pretty similar to uk law re kids.
my step kids are with me abotu the same as yours are with you.

and yes the lack of control has been a definite factor in me feeling really really crappy at times. I used to be a lawyer as i mentioned (in paris!) and so have gone from being a person who likes and enjoys control to having a life where things go way out of control at times,

yes you are right - she does behave in a capricious manner and yes he seems to think it is ok and yes he tries to get ME to get with the programme. ie instead of HIM addressing how she affects our lives negatively he expects me to be accommodating. he says i am a nice persona nd a reasonable person and that therefore it should be within my capabilities to be accommodating. YES i can be for a good freind or someone i like who is stuck for childcare etc - but to do it for a total cow. he tries to make it ok by saying i am doing it for HIM. total crap! when he is away on business and i help with the kdis i am HELPING HER. he is not seeing his kids, they are not seeing their dad and much as they love me i am second best so clearly i am helping her not him!

we have had some really really bad times over htis. i am considering going to counselling - not because i think i need to chagne my views that much but for him to understand the impact of her ways on me. he knows she is a total pain in the arse but seems unwilling to lay down the law.

as i said - many years of beign under her thumb are hard to shake off. he is a very sweet and kind man and so i can see how it happened.

Yes, it does sound pretty bad. He is refusing to stand up to her (as he presumably refused to do during their marriage) and now expecting you rather than him to do the accommodating. So she carries on behaving as if she were still married and you get the shit rather than him.

Listen, you are being perfectly reasonable, you have my full support and understanding (just in case you doubt yourself and your analysis ) and I would urge you to find a counsellor to discuss how you are going to address this going forward. And I'd see the counsellor alone in the first instance.

What kind of lawyer? I used to be a management consultant . I try to apply the same principles to my family when it gets tough

hi - just taken hubby to the airport.i used to be a banking lawyer - Linklaters Paris. also inLondon and then Bangue Paribas in London. Haven't worked since first child was born 12 years ago!

thank you for your support - you have analysed it exactly as i see it, i think i d need to go to a counsellor as i feel too many friends see it quite clearly as you do and as i do but that he is not really accepting this point of view and keeps hanging on to the accommodating line.

i have questioned my sanity at times! we havea really really good relationship but this area is so ba that it threatens us at times to a very great extent.

do yu mind if I email you privately? i will send you a message with my email. it is perhaps tedious for all and sundry to read all my wingings. and i seem to have hijacked this thread in any event!

Sure, I'll email you as soon as I get your message

thanks anna- i have sent it so look out for it!
first day at schhool for the kids so rushing off now.
seeya