I hate being a stepparent

[3GirlsMum]

The title says it all really. Yet again we are having problems with hubby's ex because stepson has gone home and told a whole series of lies which she chooses to believe!

I have gone out of my way to make sure stepson is included in our lives even though we live nearly 300 miles away. He is invited on holidays and has long stays in the school holidays, yet nothing I ever do is right for him. Everytime he has a problem according to the ex its all my hubbys fault, even though she has been in a very on/off relationship with an alcoholic for the past two years!

Stepson goes home and tells his mother that his father has given him no attention and that he is afraid to talk to him. This is so untrue and we are at a loss to understand why he is behaving this way (I should add that he is nearly 11 years old).

Ex refuses to believe that all the problems are in stepsons head and wants father to take a more active role but then cant be bothered to tell him when she has problems at school with stepson like she has recently. Hubby has suggested that his son has real problems at the moment and that they need to join together to sort this out, she doesnt agree, she thinks there is nothing wrong with him other than security because in her words he walked out on both of them.

I should add that I have been with hubby for 10 years now and he didnt leave her for me although we got together soon afterwards. We have three children together and they used to adore seeing stepson but now ask that he doesnt visit. They feel very resentful because when he is here he is rude and bossy to them and he commands all his fathers attention.

Whilst I realise he is still a child and it must be hard for him he has grown up knowing the way things are. He has turned into a really manipulative boy and I suspect this his mother has poisoned him against me because of how he reacts when he first comes to visit.

Sorry needed to rant but I wonder if anyone else has had similar experiences?

cods, but what if you binned your husband? That's the situation I'm in - his ex left him for a another man (a wealthy one) and I met him years later. She still hates me (even though she's never met me). She's been incredibly vindictive, tried to reduce his contact with his daughter to two days a month, tried to get our house.... told endless lies. And guess what? She's training to be a psychotherapist - with the emphasis on psycho, I think.

all the mental health professionals I have ever met socially have always "had issues"! except one actually who was very nice indeed"!

3GirlsMum, it sounds like your 11 yr old Stepson really needs a father and a good role model. He is about to or is going through puberty and is probably longing for his father. He is a child and doesn't know how to deal with these feelings and just misbehaves.
I'm not saying that it's not hard for you because clearly it is. My DH has two sons from previous marriage and one was 16 when we got together and the other one was 9 and no doubt it was hard for them. The ex did everything she could to stop DH seeing children, poisoned their minds (I was not around when they split) and tried to make life as difficult as possible. I was just nice/quiet/non-judgmental and it seemed to work. I could see and still do now that it is important for them to spend as much time with DH and I encourage it. They have never stayed overnight though as ex won't allow it, will allow them to go on school trip to Iceland or Russia though!
Your stepson needs to be reassured that he is very loved and then maybe your DH can start to work out the problems.

well...I am an ex!! I have just started another thread about my children's new step mother, and how difficult I am finding it. I don't think I am a bitch, but the bottom line is I don't trust her with my children. I don't make life difficult for her, I don't dislike or like her, but in our case the way she has approached things has meant that I cannot warm to her (although I will never say anything negative about her to the children). I am very interested, though, to hear the other perspective - I wonder if she thinks about me like some of the ex-wives described?

i was the stepmother to a 2 and 7 year old and trust me they can be manipulative at that young a age i think your hubby needs to do what i got my ex husband to do tell his mother when he is in your house or around your family he will be treated the same way as they are no special treatment because they are divorced and i think you and your husband need to sit down with all the children all four of them and tell them how its going to be because they could start feeling resentment if they see he is getting special treatment
imho

3 girls mum I haven;t read all of the thread so sorry if I repeat anything but it seems as though he is unhappy being with her and maybe feels guilty for being happy with you - maybe he has had a rough time and now feels the resentment that your children are feeling towrads hi too - tyhink it is a huge problem for step kids but you have totell them that he is their fathers son and so their brother and he has just as much right to come to your house and be part of the famiyl as they do - and you wouldn;t turn your back on one of them if they were going through troubles so you are not going to to your step son.

And maybe if he is having a shit time at home he needs a bit of extra TLC from his father and as tyour kids have their father their all of the time they are just going to have to swallow it!!

Just ignore the ex - whylet it bother you if you know the facts are different. He's just trying his hardest in his teenage way of trying to please her by mouthing off!

As for your children - they have the luxury of their father being around all the time - he doesn't so if they feel a bit put out when your SS is about tough luck I'm afraid. Explain to them why its the way it is and let them know that they get the best deal anyway.

Is it possible for your DH and SS to go away together for the weekend or for a little holiday. It may just be the one on one attention that your SS needs right now.

Looking at the length of time you've been together and your SS's age and the fact that your DH left before you got together it would seem that he must have left his ex when she was pregnant with SS or when he was a tiny tiny baby. I'm afraid most woman would hold that against their exh's for a very long time indeed. I know I would

Hi, i also hate being a step-mum, i ahve helped bring up dh son since he was 2 and a half. Battle of wills and have recently wanted to give up and go it alone with other two kiddies by dh, but couldn't do it to dh. He dotes on the younger two dd and ds 22 months and 8 months.

why does being a step-parent have to be so stressful????

Havent read the whole thread but here goes, At dds swimming lesson when we were getting dried a little boy of about 6 was complaining that he was being dried too hard, didnt look like it to me. Lady didnt say anything and boy then said "Your not my real mum anyway, my real mum doesnt do it like that" and I just thought OMG poor poor lady. I sympathise with you all.
The step-mum always takes him to his lesson, and ive never saw her be anything but lovely to him.

It makes it harder when you are in public and they throw a strop. letting everyone know you are not there real mum. When you take them to school every day, feed and cook for them, buy them toys and show them love, only to have it thrown back in your face when it suits them. but kinda nice when they do show some signs of love.

I was thinking the same thing Soapbox; not surprised stepson wants 3GirlsDad's attention. I know this is hard for you 3GM but your stepson has never had his daddy all to himself, has he? That's very sad. And 'he has grown up knowing the way things are' sounds really harsh. I grew up knowing my daddy wasn't around much (working away from home and then divorced) and it didn't make it hurt any less, believe me, especially when he re-married and had another baby (although I have always adored my youngest sister). He's still a little boy and he wants his daddy. Don't be too hard on him; imagine how you and your girls would feel if your dh had left when one of them was a babe in arms.
Good news is, I now have a very good relationship with my father so it may well work out for you all in the long-term. Hope so.

Just a thought, when you said he'd grown up knowing the situation, you also knew that your dh had a baby right from the start; and you are a grown-up who can rationalise and take responsibility for your actions. Not having a go, am sure I'd also be very fed up in your situation, but please don't be hard on him.

I have a problem with my step son. I just for the most part dont like him. He goes to his moms for the summer and holidays, and she buys him everything he wants. While he is here she buys him whatever he wants. His grandmother has visitation on every other weekend, that we could change if we wanted to, but my hubby dont want to step on anyones toes, or make step son upset, and his grandmother spoils him rotten also, buying him everything he wants... His mother is buying him a car for the few months he is with her to drive, his grandmother is giving him a truck... They spend money on him left and right, and he rubs it in all the time. We have 3 other teenage sons that have to sit back and watch this and hear about it all the time... When they get in trouble for things hubby will raise his voice at them way more often then he does the step son, he will just sit him down and have a very soft spoken heart to heart with him... It gets very sickening... But hubby wont see it and says its all me of course... The stuff they buy him they wont let him bring here because they dont want him sharing with the other kids that live here, which is teaching him to be stingy also, and he lives here! And hubby wont say a thing to anyone on that side of the family because he dont want to fight with them, but he dont have a problem telling me I am wrong or fighting with me about my step son and all of this! Am I wrong?

Also, step son gets attitudes, can get mad, whatever, and get a little talking to, while the other boys when they do this get a lenghty lecture by hubby about it, or more punishment... The only times I remember step son being grounded for anything is when one of the other kids do something wrong along with him and they are going to be grounded also, not when he actually does something wrong and will actualy be grounded by himself for something he has done... God forbid he get grounded for something he has done and be grounded all by himself... I just resent him more and more every day and dont know how to stop it.

i have read most of the posts here and am struck by how many people are struggling with their role as step-mum. I just want to say that i too have difficulties and issues, resentments that never go away and i have perfect sk's in the main. For me it is about accepting that in 'split families' there are much more complex and complicated issues facing us and it is about making that decision whether to cope and get on or not.

I admire and respect you all so much for caring about the kids so much - i too am a step-daughter.

i dont really know what to say to everyone today as for dh and i i think we have reached the end of the road as far as our relationship is concerned, but if i could do it all again i would get as much help and support as i could - go to couples or family therapy, admit so much more to those around me that i did not cope and not set myself up to try to be perfect in the eyes of everyone else.

Hi all, I'm not a stepparent but I am the result of some pretty scary step parenting.
I behaved many of the ways that I hear you talking about your stepchildren in this thread. I was angry and withdrawn. Ran away. Hid in my room. I never knew where I should be or what I was supposed to do to belong. MY step mothers way of coping was to cry and complain and ask my father to tell me to leave or to put me down criticize me, shame me or laugh at me for getting upset.
All I can say frommy own experience of how I wish things had been different, is that if you make your new children feel loved and accepted and that they belong no matter what (and they do become your Children after marriage) then everything will be okay. It takes time for a stepchild to find her place in a new family, especially if there are new family members such as new brothers and sisters, aunts and a mother or father to deal with. Theres a whole new dynamic to contend with- And Children are often too young to deal with it well.
Believe me, if you're having difficulties coping and you're the adult, imagine just how painful, emotional and challenging it is for the child.
Good luck.

I second that, barb. Life for the step-child can be absolute hell if he/she and the step-parent don't click. It's up to the adult to do their best to make the relationship work against the odds. There can be nothing worse than having a non-blood relative with no right lording it over you and taking over your real parent- that happens to a lot of children, and that is the way they see it.

the last two posts were right - i had a fantastic step-dad and still do!!!

i think one of the main reasons he was so good is that he was just there always listening but never trying to change me or run my life.

I would also like to say though that i was a lovely step-daughter...or so i'm told and that i think the role of step-dad is perhaps less challenging than that of s-mum - this is a lot to do with how society views women and children i think. I also think that i being older (11 for me) makes a differnece in that your are less dependant etc and have formed your own mini personality and rules to a certain extent.

There is no getting away from the fact that it is always harder for the kids but as a step-parent myself knowing this puts you under so much pressure and we cant always be 'perfect' and remenber to behave appropriatley all the time - stpe-parents are human and often under massive pressure from differnet sources.

What i mean to say is that i think it would have helped me if people reminded me that its okay to feel really angry and resentful at my being a sp sometimes and that i am not meant to be perfect and will make huge mistakes.

I dont know if i am making sense today - sorry mumsnetters xxx

what an open and honest thread this is.

Quite often on here, I've noticed, is when people express their difficulties towards step children, they get hammered verbally. Lots of people DO offer good, sound advise, but lots just judge and critisize.

The thing is, as step parents, even tho we come on here and express our worries/troubles/annoyances/disatisfactions/heart-breaks/fights/heart felt thoughts etc etc etc, we obviously care about our step kids or else we wouldn't be posting here in the first place.

I'm totally and honestly crap with words so wouldn't be able to 'verbally fight my way out of a paper bag'...and after reading so many threads on here, I've noticed most are brilliant with words, and are able to get their points across. Something I am unable to do

I have these feelings which I know aren't rational - or maybe they are! I am a mother - and a bloody good one as I work really hard at it. But I work loads harder at being a step mother and no-one but bloody no-one ever reconises it. I get the obligatory "your great with her" every now and then, but for most of the time nothing, except noticing her exceptional bad behaviour with a raised eyebrow to me (my 2 are brilliantly behaved and when not they hear about it from me - so I know it's not my parenting at fault!)
Her Dad isn't to blame for bad behaviour on her irregular visits to us, but if she's tired or nasty it seems to come to me (her BM is bloody useless, I've seen the foot stamping / handing over of 3 PACKETS of crisps in action - she's 3!). HOWEVER, DP is a stepdad - and a bloody good one (cos I have taught him a lot!!) and EVERYONE always notices and praises him for it. Sorry for ranting on this thread but it kind of felt safe. Thanks!

These kids are in pain that is all really - you are the adults FGS they are the children just get over yourselves
COI I was stepkid prob from hell DB was worse - we were hurting not trying to hurt anyone

I think the decision whether or not to become a step-parent is one which needs to be examined under a coldly realistic light before being made. I really admire step-parents who are able to work at building a good relationship with their stepkids- and I also know I could never ever do it. The best of luck to all step-parents.

As my DSS gets older being a stepparent ( weekend) only has began to get even more difficult. I went through a yr or 2 struggling as I could see my DSS moving away from me and closer to his mum. I think I wanted to be his mum for a long time and now realise I will never get the I love you from him, the hugs and love I would love to recieve. I have to accept he only sees me as a person who lives with his dad and is the mother of his brother. Im sure his BM stirs things up against me. So be it . I have now started to do a reward scheme/chart and he thinks its a really good idea!!. It means there has been no arguments this weekend as he has been excellent. I guess its because if he reaches his target he gets to choose a day out!! eek the purse strings. But if it means no more tension,shouting and general teenage beginings just yet I am feeling at ease after 5 yrs of being a SP!!!

I havn't read all the posts but imo, having been one for 11 years being a step parent is one of the hardest things to be. Much harder than bringing up your own children and that's hard enough. Over the years I have had the full works from dss wanting to call me mummy which I said was lovely but he already had a mummy so could we find another special word to call me to now at 15 he doesn't even speak when he stays, not a hello when he arrives to a thank you for anything and it's not all to do with being a teenager. I've also experienced the complete range from dh's ex from sending dirty clothes every time he visited to being told 'they didn't need any more helpers at his 7th birthday party' (she needed me to look after him every weekend while she was out socialising not to mention when he had chickenpox) to wanting to catch up for drinks and a chat because he's gone awol!! .

Our relationship is now non existent and dh and I tend not to talk about him as we argue. What went wrong imo - dh never sitting him down when he started to show behaviour like you are seeing and talking to him. At the end of the day he is a child who has to accept that certain behaviour is not acceptable, that there may be different rules in different houses, that's life. Often and I'm not saying its' so in your case but I know it was in ours, step children become indulged with each parent not wanting to be the 'bad one' but all they want are boundaries to be set, to know where they stand, that they are loved etc, no different from any other child. Sadly split parents do use their children to their advantage and withhold information either intentionally or not. So I would forget about the ex as much as possible and concentrate on working with your dss.

I'm starting to ramble cos there's so much to say. I should add that I speak from experience as a step child too. I know how the 'game' works and treated my step dad like sh** but at the same time knowing he was better than any blood father could have been. It's hard all round.

I have 3 kids and am a step mum to 3 - they are all about the same age ie under 13.

All these threads seem SO familiar it is a amazing. Luckily all 6 get on really well most of the time.

The main problems we have are that the BM loathes me and does all the childish game stuff which I wont repeat because clearly a lot of people have already spelled out similar stuff - dirty clothes, constant criticisms bla bla bla.

It is too easy to say that we should get over as a SP.And totally unsympathetic. When one has a child there is no magic answer book for being a parent and certainly none for being a SP. Most good Sps KNOW that the child is suffering but it is damn hard negotiating our way round the child's needs, the issues of blending families without grief constantly dished out from the BM/other family memebers of the SChildnren.

Sing it loud for the good work of SPs!