DSD has gone on strike and is refusing to visit. Help!

[MarkStretch]

DSD is 8 and lives with her Mum. DH and I have my 7yr old DD and our 14 month old DS living with us.

DSD has gone 'on strike' and is refusing to visit our house anymore because we are 'too strict and have too many rules'.

Actually the rules we do have are that everyone sits round the table to eat, you practise your table manners (e.g. not eating with your mouth hanging open, not farting, not talking about poo, sitting on your chair correctly, etc.) and going to bed when it is bedtime and sleeping in your own bed.

It would appear we do things very differently to at home, she eats in front of the TV and sleeps in her Mum's bed with her. (It's just her and Mum at home).

Consequently, the last time she stayed she decided she wanted to go home and cried and DH drove her home. Since then she hasn't returned (2 weeks ago) and is saying she doesn't want to come here anymore.

DH's ex-p has said that he can go and visit her at their house.

I feel a bit annoyed about this. I don't think we are strict, we just encourage good behaviour. Also we expect my DD to behave at the dinner table and DS will also be encouraged to do so. I don't think we should be bending the rules to suit.

WWYD?

Just to add- she has been coming to us for the last 3 yrs and we are very much an afterthought- DSD only visits when her and her Mum don't have any plans or her Mum wants to go out, there are no set times when she comes to us. I think this might be adding to the problem.

are you too strict though? You do sound a bit judgey about her mum tbh.

I am not being judgy- things are just different at home and I realise that.

The trouble is that it's very difficult to judge from a post whether you are just encouraging good behaviour and your DSD's mum is letting things slide or whether she is just a more relaxed parent and you are being overly strict - it's a very subjective thing.

If your DD is used to your rules and behaves most of the time as you expect, but your DSD doesn't and you tell her to, then it wouldn't be surprising if she saw this as being picked on, even though that's not what you intend.

It must be pretty difficult for any 8 year old to have to swap between two completely different parenting styles, and it probably makes it worse if there is a younger girl at your house who is (as she percieves it) 'getting it right' all the time, when she is being 'told off' for doing things as she is used to.

Many 8 year olds will see even the gentlest correction from a teacher as a telling off, and she may well think of you in the same way as she does her teacher, someone she knows quite well and probably quite likes, and wants to please, so that it is upsetting if she gets it wrong.

Perhaps, if she does return, you could maybe concentrate on one issue first and praise your DSD F for, say, coming to sit at the table and ignore for the moment any lapse in table manners when she's there.

Yes but as any step knows the fact is whilst she may be someone elses child and have seperate rules at mums house, we should NOT change our boundaries and guidelines at any point in time to suit a child who is using access as a negotiating tool.

HUGE mistake.

Reason 1. If you have certain rules you have certain rules and that is something that is prevalent throughout life - you behave one way at work and one way with your friends for instance. 8 is a perfectly reasonable age to do this and she wouldnt not get to go to school if she was told off there so dads house is just sending her the wrong message.

Reason 2. You have other children in the house. Why should they see another child getting away with stuff they cant in their house. Thats a. treating dsd as a guest, not a member of the family and b. creating a delightful basis for serious resentment in your own children.

Your rules do not sound unreasonable, and whilst it is tough for kids to acclimatise to different rules it is part of life and shouldnt be used as an excuse to teach her that if she doesnt like something she doesnt have to do it and doesnt have to show respect for anyone els in the interim. WOrk for instance will be interesting if that is drummed into her.

The only exception to this is if you know you are being too hard on her because you feel her mother isnt hard enough and you are trying to "teach" her the right way to live. In which case stop it and apologise and try and be nicer.

Thanks for your replies everyone.

Prettyfly1- you have hit the nail on the head. I don't feel our rules are extreme and it is important to me that my children can behave at the table. I feel it is a life skill. I don't see why the rules should be relaxed or changed when DSD visits. We try as much as possible to treat DSD and DD fairly as they are only 8 months apart in age and if DD is expected to adhere to a few rules then so should DSD when she is here.

I don't single her out and scold her unfairly, we just remind them both to eat nicely etc.

We try our hardest to include DSD in our family and make sure she feels comfortable in our home but I really feel we should stand our ground on this one.

I have this exact situation only DSD is 6. She is seeing us atm although she no longer stays over.
At first I was really het up on the my house my rules thing, but it clearly wasn't working. Eventually, I went over to her house (all arranged) and requested her help with DD (2 at the time) because she was a big sister and I really needed her help to teach her great manners e.t.c. DSDs mum could do nothing but go along with it and seeing her swell with pride at being asked, I knew she would keep it up when I was gone. She does lots of 'role modelling' now and loves it.
When I suggested DH ask her to bring homework over, she did so gladly, sat with DS doing it and then settled down to help DD with her speech therapy. Tonnes of opportunity for praise and very sweet, makes me v proud of them.
Also, I took a Sunday job so I am mostly out of the way when she visits. She needs her mum and dad and I am a bystander, hopefully a good one, but all the same not her priority at all. I really look forward to seeing her, but I think this just makes it a bit simpler for her to 'switch'. She used to feel really guilty for having a great time with us (esp me)...which inevitably she did as we have a house full of kids and their 'stuff' then she had to go home to just mum.

I wasn't suggesting that she should be allowed to get away with everything, nor thsat the OP should change her boundaries, just that it could be a bit overwhelming for her to deal with all the differences at once.

See the thing is, what you perceive and what the child perceives are not necessarily the same. This doesn't apply just to Step DCs. But IF IF you are correcting x, then y, then z, then a, then b .... it can feel like you are too strict. You might not feel you are doing x,y,z,a,b but its not hard to do it without realising.

I agree with you Rusty Bear. I had such a utopian view of what my family would be like when I had DCs (the Waltons actually) but it's just never like that. Esp. not when you 'blend' as there are so many other parents to consider. You have to relinquish control...and maybe allow a bit a fart banter at the table?

I think you guys are right there. What I found with my dss was to pick my battles and deal with one thing at once.

I thought I would struggle with teaching all the manners and things and boy did I! But the starting point for me was violence . DSD used to pick things up (at about 4 or 5) and throw them at DS. It was hideous. I took that in hand seriously, tried to speak to her mum but sadly - no avail.
It was then I realised I had to let other standards drop - and that in order to be fair, they had to drop for everyone. I do a lot of actively leading play / activities though where behaviour can be checked and like I said, giving her the space she needs with her dad.

I can see why (in her eyes) she doesn't want to come to yours to be honest.

Not sure what you do about it, but it's understandable.

Since when does:
"everyone sits round the table to eat, you practise your table manners (e.g. not eating with your mouth hanging open, not farting, not talking about poo, sitting on your chair correctly, etc.) and going to bed when it is bedtime and sleeping in your own bed"
constitute being "overly strict"?
In my day, it was called being well brought up. I must be really ancient and out of touch. Maybe I should consider applying to be a High Court Judge! :-)