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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

The worst possible thing has now happened !

16 replies

Tricks · 29/07/2005 10:41

Im not sure if you remember, but i posted on here a few weeks ago explaining that i had been with my partner for nearly 18 months and still had not been introduced to his little boy from his previous relationship - this was making me feel terrible, HOWEVER things have resolved themselves - partners divorce/ settlement will be through by the end of Aug (this is what my partner was waiting for before he talked to his son about me) and we are hoping to make that first, crucial introduction very soon.

ANYWAY...... this week, and im still in shock, ive found out im pregnant (we use condoms, but something MUST have gone wrong) and now im in a right old mess.

Partner has said he would 'stand my decision' but has been candid and said that its unplanned and not the right time for us to have a baby (for example we are still not living together yet). I do agree with these logical points but its very difficult for me to decide what to do.

And i guess the reason why im posting today is because i am VERY concerned that if we do decide to abort this baby, im going to feel upset that my partner already has a child and a parental relationship.

I hope this all makes sense ? I suppose im very emotional at the moment and just what to share all of this with someone x

OP posts:

emily05 · 29/07/2005 10:44

Ho do you feel about having a baby? Is it what you want?
Have you considered counselling to help you make a decision?
I hope that you are ok xx

starlover · 29/07/2005 10:46

oh tricks... what a situation.

i too got pregnant unexpectedly. dp was like yours and said that whatever i wanted to do was fine, but that we weren't in a good position financially, stability wise etc etc... it really wasn't a good time.

but... i sat down and thought of all the reasons why we shouldn't have a baby, and all the reasons why we should.

i couldn't come up with one reason that was good enough to justify me not having the baby.

tarantula · 29/07/2005 12:32

Oh Tricks Its so difficult when things like this happen. I remember my partner saying to me early on in our relationship that he wouldnt be able to cope if we had a child at that time but thankfully we never had to make a decision about that. I think you need to decide what would be best for you and I do think you are right in thinking that you may resent the fact that he has a child already if you decide to abort and need to think clearly about how you can deal with those feeling. Is there anyone to whom you can talk? Your doctor may be able to refer you counselling to help you with this decision.

Sorry not being much help but just wanted to say good luck and I hope everything works out ok

Original poster

Tricks · 29/07/2005 12:52

Thank you for replying so quickly.

I found out i was pregnant on Tuesday and over the last few days i have changed my mind several times about what to do. Im 28, financially able and with a partner i love BUT

I personally am unsure whether I can bring a baby into this world without the full backing of both parents.

I have confronted my partner to fully understand his reservations and he feels that we will 'miss out' on crucial things if we have a baby right now - i think this will partly be the case anyway because surely him already having a son will effect our relationship in that way, anyway !

I feel let down that he wont consider this baby being a positive asset .....i am willing to make sacrifies to our relationship because of his son, surely the same should apply for him ?

OP posts:

Original poster

Tricks · 29/07/2005 12:54

ive booked in for some couselling next next and im hoping thats going to make things a bit clearer for me L(

OP posts:

starlover · 29/07/2005 12:57

tricks i think my partner was also very apprehensive about having a baby. we had a great life and had only just moved in together. he kept saying it wasn't the right time and that he wanted to plan to have a baby..

BUT... the moment we went for the first scan he was hooked! he couldn't love DS more!

otto · 29/07/2005 13:32

Hi Tricks. I do remember your original posts and glad things with the ex are reaching closure. I really do feel for you as this is obviously not the best time for you to start your own family. But you are right when you say that your life is already restricted by having his child around. Good luck with counselling and I hope it helps you come to a decision.

jabberwocky · 29/07/2005 13:33

tricks, I know it must be difficult as you said to have a child without the full backing of both parents. I don't have any experience, but you might take a peek at some threads under the lone parents topic for some advice.
As to keeping the baby or not...such a tremedously difficult and permanent decision. I got pregnant unexpectedly at 18 and decided to abort then did not have the opportunity to have a child again until 37. I had pretty much given up by then that I would ever have a child so I was ecstatic about ds. I never regretted my earlier decision as I felt it was absolutely the right thing to do at the time, but that still doesn't make it easy by any means.
I'm glad you're going for counselling, that should help. Do you have other support? Family? Friends with or without children who could lend a hand if you decide to go through with the pregnancy? Ds has some honorary "aunts" and "uncles" (childless couples who are good friends) who love to come over and visit, babysit, etc.
Keep posting, whatever you do. MN is really a fantastic support network.

emily05 · 29/07/2005 13:34

I agree with starlover - my dh was the same. Really was unsure about children - there was always an excuse - "we dont have enough money", "it isnt the right time", "our flat isnt big enough"

But when we did have ds he was totally smitten and now wants more!!

I am not trying to sway you - just think about what is best for you as well as him - you dont want to end up making a decsion and resenting him. Glad that you are having counselling - that will help. We are here to give you support whatever you decide x

jabberwocky · 29/07/2005 13:35

Dh was a bit more uncertain about having ds (he was 54 when I got pregnant). He was completely uninterested in the whole pregnancy thing, although he was supportive.

The minute ds was born, he was absolutely in love and has been a fabulous dad ever since. In fact he is now a SAHD!

Caligula · 29/07/2005 13:46

Tricks, if you have the baby, you may put so much stress on the relationship that you may split up. If you don't have the baby, you may feel so angry and sad and resentful that you weren't supported and made to feel you had to have an abortion, that you may split up.

So really what it comes down to, is do you actually want this baby? Because either way may mean the end of the relationship, but would you rather be a single childless woman, or a single mother? That may be what it comes down to.

OTOH, you could have the baby and the relationship could go from strength to strength. Or you could decide that you really don't want this baby, you know it's the wrong time and the wrong decision, and feel happy that an abortion is the right choice, and the relationship could go from strength to strength. And again, that really comes down to you genuinely making the choice - if you're forced into it, you won't be happy, but if the decision is genuinely yours, then you will be able to live with it. In short, you have to do what's right for you, because you're going to be the one who has to live with it and bear the lion's share of the consequences of whatever decision you take.

jabberwocky · 29/07/2005 14:07

Excellent post Caligula!

Distel · 29/07/2005 14:54

You would struggle to be in a worse position than me and my DH when we found out I was pregnant. I was only 17, he was 36. When we got together neither of us intended to stay together, it was just supposed to be fun. We had no money, owed about 5000 pounds to various people and only lived in a 1 bedroom flat through a housing assosiaton who were threatening to evict us because of overdue rent.

For me, an abortion was not an option. I realise that for some people it is right, but not for me. When I think about it, It could have all gone so wrong but we now are married, have 3 children and are hoping to move to a 3 bedroom house soon (currently in a 2 bedroom flat).

It was so difficult to begin with, but luckily we have managed to make things work. I hope that whatever decision you make, you will be happy.

Distel · 29/07/2005 14:57

Forgot to add that I gained 2 step children that are only 8 and 10 years younger than me!!!!!!

My stepson is now 16 and stepdaughter 14, I could be the youngest mumsnet stepgrandmother ever .

PeachyClair · 29/07/2005 15:43

I agree with the post that you have to decide from the point of view of your potential as a single mother, which hopefully you would not be, but I think that's worth considering however ong you have been together! Even if you stick together whatever, people get killed and everything, nobody ever knows.

FWIW, I met my Dh, six weeks later moved in with him (we both had housing issues), got enageged six weeks later and pregnant a montha fter that. I was very dubious at first, esp. as I didnt have an easy time of it, but I'd never change my decision, though it has been a rollercoaster time. I now have 3 DS's, and Dh and I are still together.

likklemum · 28/08/2005 23:03

Could DP be worried about his DS's feelings concerning your pregnancy/baby?

Although you haven't mentioned how you feel about this particular aspect of keeping the baby, it may be part of your partners reluctence(sp?).

DP and I were together for only 2 months when i found out i was pregnant. He has a ds (10yrs)who lives with his ex-dp's mother and has very little contact with his mum. On top of my being pregnant, we were not living together and could not afford to live together in London, so we decided to move to Kent, which although is not far away, is quite different to being round the corner.

DS was upset at first. In fact he did not see me for 7/8 months of the pregnancy (still not sure if this was his desision tho) and it broke my heart because i wanted a relationship with him and also between him and my baby.
In the end, DP and myself managed to stay strong and supported DS through it by encouraging contact whenever possible (me and likklemum are going to see the new Star Wars film tomorrow, wanna come? etc)... every week!

Now DS comes and stays at least once a month for the weekend, DP still visits as much and a relationship is slowly but surely flourishing.

What I'm trying to say is that although it was not an ideal situation for DS, with persaverence and understanding, it worked out ok. Also, DP's relationship with his DS never suffered, it was soley his feelings towards me.

Just wondering if this could be worrying your DS?

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