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stepson why does he bother visiting?

9 replies

jonesy71 · 21/04/2010 11:10

sorry, a bit of a rant really

i know there are far worse step matter horror stories around than mine but..

does anyone else find their teenage steps come for visits - upset the whole family, and then just b*gger off to leave the step mums to pick up the debris?

I understand that they are getting older and want more freedom to see their friends at the weekends, I know i was hardly at home on the weekends when i was a teenager. They are both teenagers, they both 50% of the time go and do their own thing for most of the weekend visit, but whilst one of them is an absolute dream and i would be proud to have my little ones turning out like him, the other one seems to make it a sport to cause as much turmoil as he can with the entire household!

this weekend's example, he was out most of saturday, got home to us and was begged by my two youngsters to play, made a load of excuses, was too tired, had a headache, had to do homework (aka update facebook) and promised to give them his time on sunday and made a made a big deal about all the fun things they could do if they would just leave him alone today.

sunday came, he stayed in bed until 11am (again i undertsand , yes he's a teenager) as usual i kept the little ones away from his room unil he was ready to get up, he finally surfaced and spent the next two hours on the laptop doing his own stuff. My LOs gave up waiting and went to play (frankly i admired their patience), got into a nice game just the two of them, then he came calling them, 'where did you get to, i've got a game set up for you' so they went running to him.... less than 5 minutes later he asks his Dad can he go into town, got agreement and said see you later then. right that very minute he was off out the door!!

so i stopped him, hang on a tick what are the LO's doing? - oh they're on the laptop playing a game - i said no you can't leave them playing on their own (at 5 and 3) so he goes back takes the laptop away and does a runner!! - leaving my LOs distraught and tearful of course...

then he strolls back later in with less than an hour to go 'til he goes home to mum and STILL won't give them any of his time...

i know reading this back it probably seems like nothing, and i know it could be a whole lot worse - but it angers me so much that he upsets them, and like faithful puppies they are still desperate to see him and have his attention ....

just a rant really, anyone else get this??!!

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
thegingercat · 21/04/2010 11:15

Yes, i get what you are saying. Sounds like the little ones idolise him in the same way some kids idolise their Dad's even though that same Dad can't be bothered with them. I've seen that plenty of times with my single Mum friends.

I think all you can do, is expect nothing, then you won't be disappointed. Make the weekends fun for your LO's without him and maybe one day they will start to realise that he's just a boring person that they're not interested in.

You can't make him behave in a way you would like him to, but you can change your attitude to him and your expectations.

Good luck. x

JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 21/04/2010 11:16

He sounds like a typical teenager.

It's how he'd behave if he lived with you f/t.

It's just how they are!

Agree with TGC, just get on with stuff.

mjinhiding · 21/04/2010 13:47

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mjinhiding · 21/04/2010 13:53

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compo · 21/04/2010 13:59

Can't you all go out?
What are you and dh doing while your waiting for him to play with the young ones? Presumably if you all went out they'd get to spend more time with him
he sounds bored and that's why he wants to meet his mates or go on facebook

jonesy71 · 21/04/2010 14:02

Thank you YES, of course I should be making the weekends special for my children...

you know what i have spent so many years breaking my neck to please my step children and make them feel wanted and welcome, reinforce their importance in the family etc that i think i'm actually guilty of negleting my own children!! what a loon!

the step children have their separate rooms in our home (even though they had to share at mum's home) - my LOs SHARE a room!

DH and i have always tried to make the weekends they visit special, going out to lunch, family and friends over, days out etc, and then when our little ones came along this carried on, made a big thing of 'their' weekend and guess what - the weekends with just LOs we do NOTHING special!!

So blinkin' obvious it's pathetic!!

Right so things are about to change around here, wait 'til my DH gets home and gets a load of this.....

thanks again, the penny has dropped.

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mjinhiding · 21/04/2010 14:11

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thegingercat · 21/04/2010 14:30

It is difficult to find the balance between being a great mum and also a great step mum. Try and find the middle ground, put your own childrens needs at least as equal to your step childrens needs. Special times shouldn't be "saved up". All you are teaching your own children is that they're not allowed to have fun unless your step children are there and that's not healthy. Maybe you could find more adult fun things to do with the step kids and younger fun things to do with your own children when the steps aren't with you.

jonesy71 · 21/04/2010 14:49

thank you tgc, you are so right, i am kicking myself for getting it so wrong when i've been trying to get it right. I'm really upset, but very grateful your replies have made me see it.

deep breath, off to school....

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