Stepparenting a child with ASD

[Fortheloveofeverythingholey]

Hi

One of my DSC has a recent diagnosis for Aspergers. Has always been a very difficult child and now of course we know why. I have been SM for almost 8 years, but it is harder now than ever.

I am a stepchild and know the effect a distant stepparent can have on a child. I also have a DD so know the levels of forgiveness you can accommodate with your own versus a stepchild who seems hell bent on ruining ever last thing you try to do.

I know the ASD is hard but she is extremely high functioning and copes with main stream school. The main issues are lack of empathy and lying. Moreover, stealing. I get so mad when things are taken from my house and work their way back to the mother's house like my make-up, clothes, sweets belonging to the other kids, the fridge gets raided with no thought that someone else's tea just got munched, DVDs go missing, anything really that she wants.

How do I keep my cool and be 'nice' when I am furious and raging inside. I start to not want to be around her as I am worried I will pick on every last indiscretion whereas I find it easy to pick my battles with my DD.

Uggggg, feel mean just typing this now

Hi - that sounds like hard work.

She doesn't see that it's not nice to behave selfishly because constantly thinking about other people's feelings and motivations is something that people with Autism find either exhausting or impossible.

The girl is living on Mars. She has to try and function in an alien world with (seemingly to her) entirely arbitrary rules.

Unless you explicitly say "If you take my make up, I will be extremely unhappy and I will punish you for it by doing X. You will be made to replace it. It makes me angry when you steal." she probably cannot predict how you will feel, or at least will find it hard.

look here

Breathe deep! Work with your partner and set firm guidelines about behaviour and punishment, just as you would with your own child.

How old is your stepdaughter?

As to the incandescent rage, I've flipped my lid a few times at unacceptable behaviour by my DSs's. A few shouty step-mum moments does not a distant step-mum make. That comes with long periods of confrontation.

I used to be overcautious with my DSses because I'm a stepchild with a difficult relationship with my stepdad. I thought they'd dislike me if I stood my ground with them. They don't though, Not in the slightest!

Stealing is not appropriate behaviour. She needs to learn that. Check her bags before she leaves. I don't mind the DC's borrowing stuff, but it must come back here and they must ask first.

I too have 2 stepkids and generally get on well with them, but it is ok to have discipline too.

Thanks guys, she is 12. Its so hard as this behaviour trait has only seemed to have escalated since the diagnosis. We had many issues before but now it just seems all to easy to say 'I cannot help it its the AS', before rules seemed to be learned.

Thansk Pronoia, will read that. Am also recording the series on C4 and will watch and learn hopefully.

Sigh, I am not a horrible person but I think I might be at the moment.

no you're nt. It's frustrating and hard work, and at least I have the memories of a five month old baby patting my face - step parents don't even have that to cling to in the dark times

I teach my DS not to steal by taking his stuff and showing him how it feels. Both he and I have Asperger's - both high functioning. It IS possible to learn to empathise, but it is about learning about what it feels like.

One think that is worth mentioning is that in my teens things got MUCH worse with hormones - in my case I suffered from horrible anxiety and stress headaches - to the extent I was put on tranquilisers (which didn't work )

Much sympathy, it can't be easy for you.

Pronoia - it isn't the easiest but a child is a child, but sadly one I really do struggle with.

Mary - wow, you must be an amazing parent to be able to deal with your own AS and teach your son.

I do like the idea of teaching through experience but obviously keeping it in context. After the latest few weeks of stealing precious chocolate got thrown away in the bin, that did hit the mark for sure but for how long I wonder. Time seems like it moves at a different pace and she can compartmentalize for sure. Its almost as it 10 minutes later it hasn't happened so then you think what was the point of that?

I had heard the onset of puberty can have a deteriorating effect. Goodness me, its going to get worse before it gets better.

MUST.BE.MORE.PATIENT!!

Forthelove, you are describing my DS (who doesn't have an AS diagnosis, though we are wondering about whether to have him assessed). Dealing with this when it's your own child is hard enough; I can't imagine dealing with it when it's someone else's child. I think you deserve a medal.

Oracle - bless you, I was told by a mum of an AS child who had severe stealing issues that it is in fact harder to cope when it is your own child which I can see as well.

I guess we all have our stuff eh?

Forthelove, it doesn't always feel like I am an amazing parent, particularly when I am hypersensitive to noise, and having noisy children around me isn't the easiest thing to cope with!

Nor is it easy when I am trying to explain my son to other people, that "no he is NOT being naughty, and what you are saying to him will NOT help, and why aren't you listening to me?". But often if I am hypersensitive to a situation, my son will be too, and I can leap in before it gets too bad.

One of the most important things to keep in mind is consistency. Also to state what you are thinking/feeling in a logical way if possible, people on the autistic spectrum tend to be very logical, its when things are sprung on us we don't cope very well.

Often I use a "three strikes and you are out", so DS knows what is coming. So if he helps himself to something he shouldn't - strike 1, no supper, and say "next time it will be...no supper for a week or no Nintendo DS for a day" . If he does it again, I say strike 2, and then enforce what I'd said at strike 1, and tell him that strike 3 will be loss of, his nintendo for a week, for instance". The thing is, each time he knows the consequences of his actions BEFORE he does it. He might still have a strop about it, but he can't say he wasn't warned. Also when he does have a strop, I say to him, "don't think that will affect my decision, because it won't", and he knows he has to calm down before he talks to me.

(sometimes I think its a bit like dog obedience training!)

Indeed she is

Mary, you are fab I am sure, people here say so too

I like the 3 hits and your out, I think that would make me more patient and constructive instead of just coming down hard after the event. Right, will drawn up a brain plan. Many thanks !

I think I'm going to adopt the 'three hits' one too. And I shall advise DH to do likewise (he struggles particularly badly with DS). Thank you Mary!

Forthelove.....I am a stepmum to a dsd with Autism too and I have tried a few times to find another Mum in the same position...we may have found a mate here!!!! My dsd is 11 so similar to yours.

I need to dash right now but didn't want to not respond to you. I can relate to lots of your ongoing problems and have lived it for 6 years so have been there for a good few years like you too. My dsd had a diagnosis of adhd and was only diagnosed with autism two months ago, lots of what I have researched since leads us to think its more autism than adhd (I always thought since meeting her that she didn't quite "match" that diagnosis) Slightly different circumstances in that she lives with us (me, dh, her brother and my 3 children) and visits Mum but I am sure we have alot in common. Take care...deep breaths..and the odd Freddo Frog helps me survive the day :0

Bye for now.

If I can be of any further help, let me know, feel free to CAT me.

Another useful tip is that if you are going to be doing something with her that is brand new, give her lots of info about what it is, and before you do it, keep things calm and serene beforehand. One stressor at a time is best.

eg if son is going somewhere where he has to be on his best behaviour, and its likely to stress him out, then I don't make too much of an issue over what he has for breakfast, or make him wear clothes which make him feel uncomfortable (he hates things round his neck).

Similarly if I have something big coming up - eg job interview (I wish!) then I pamper myself beforehand, and don't schedule anything else important for that day.