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Step-parenting

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Original poster

First communion - advice please from parents and step parents

28 replies

foolio · 19/04/2010 17:30

Hi All

Need some advice.

Been with my DP (now my fiance) for three years. Didn't meet his DD until Jan this year but all seems to be going well.

It's her first communion in a couple of weeks' time and DP has said I can't go, as his ex-wife has forbidden me.

He's asked me to stay away for his sake.

By way of background, DP was separated when we met. She had an affair and left him. She was then dumped, and then decided to try and get DP back. She almost succeeded.

Since then I've been branded a trouble maker, a home wrecker, and a whore.

I can see why he'd want a quiet life, but on the other hand, I've done nothing wrong.

Am a bit worried about how much influence the EW still has over my DP.

All advice welcome.

OP posts:
TerryWogansTrousers · 19/04/2010 17:34

I wouldn't go, for your stepdaughter's sake, if you think there might be a scene.

littlemoominmamma · 19/04/2010 18:11

A first communion is very much a special day for the child - not anyone else. She should get to decide who attends.

Maybe she is not yet comfortable with the situation and just wants her mum and dad there (fair enough). I don't understand why you would want to go if you have been asked not to by all parties?

JeMeSouviens · 19/04/2010 20:27

I would not go, you've only known the DD a few months. I'd defer to the mother in this case, to keep the peace, but would not let this set a precedent in the long term.

mjinhiding · 19/04/2010 23:32

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Monty100 · 19/04/2010 23:55

Why do you want to go?

You hardly know the child, it's the child's day.

Or have I missed something?

A First Communion is a very holy sacrament, the last thing anyone needs is unwanted guests.

Sorry.

nickschick · 20/04/2010 00:04

You cant seriously believe you should go??

Its definitely a childs day.

Dont let this become a bone of contention.

Mongolia · 20/04/2010 00:11

I supose that if you only met the DD recently, after 3 long years of being with her father, the problem here is not about going or not going to the first communion but whether he considers your relationship a serious one or if he pretends to keep you in the closet ad infinitum.

I would also be worried about the influence she has, and perhaps would try to talk to him about it, but don't use the first communion as the opening of that conversation.

ChocHobNob · 20/04/2010 06:43

I agree with Mongolia. You don't say how old your DSD is (and I don't know how old first communion is) but what's going to happen in however many years time, when you've built a good relationship with your DSD but you are still forbidden to attend events like geaduation, a wedding for example.

I think you need to speak to your partner, maybe accept that you won't go to the first communion but just approach the subject with your partner about how you are concerned this is going to be a long term thing and you'll always be excluded due to his ex's unreasonable behaviour. Maybe he can just let his ex know that in the future, he will be including you in special events (as long as DSD is happy with it, if not, that's a whole 'nother argument)

But the above only applies if your partner is only stopping you going because of the ex. If the fact is he doesn't want you to go either, then that's something you will need to tackle with him and decide whether you will accept that in the future.

Could it be that your partner is worried about the ex kicking off and stopping him seeing his daughter? Why have you only just started seeing the daughter from Jan if you've been together for 3 years? Has your partner had a break in contact too or was it just you?

Original poster
foolio · 20/04/2010 10:46

Thanks everyone, the replies have given me a lot to think about.

By way of further information:

  1. I didn't meet DSD till this year as the EW threatened to kill herself if I was ever introduced to her. It took DP all that time to figure out he was being emotionally blackmailed.
  1. Although I've only known DSD a few months, we get on well (don't want to tempt fate by saying we get on great), and she does want me to be there.
  1. Her cousin is having her communion at the same church on the same day and I've known here 3 years, and she wants me to be there too.
  1. DP does want me there but EW has threatened to have me removed if I attend.

Having thought about it, it's probably not worth the hassle to go.

OP posts:
Monty100 · 20/04/2010 14:06

Foolio - I don't think its worth the hassle. Perhaps you could see her later on that day/evening or the next day.

Fwiw, I think even though you didn't break this family up, and it was the EW that did, she probably sees you as the person who is facturing her family right now because she couldn't get him back. I'd give her a wide berth in any circumstances, she does sound a bit... unhinged.

RunawayWife · 20/04/2010 14:24

I would stay away if I were you.
I know it is hurtful and you have done no wrong, his Ex is clearly a bitch and point scorer and not interested in the best for her child.

I would have a talk with him and explain you will not take 2nd place over the wishes of his Ex but you will stay away for the sake of his child.

RunawayWife · 20/04/2010 14:27

Oh just so you know if you do go, the mad woman can not have you removed from a church, it is a public place and a public service,

Reading the rest of the thread I wonder do you have support of other family members and friends so if you do go and she make a fuss you will have support and she will look stupid?

Original poster
foolio · 20/04/2010 14:45

Thanks all. My mind is made up not to go.

I wouldn't see DSD upset.

RunawayWife, I have the support of some of DP's family ( long story not for this thread, but his mother refused to meet me for 2 years, so we're not exactly friendly now).

However EW is one of 9 children and all her siblings will be there. DP thinks it is likely one of them will kick off.

Best if I stay away. I'll go in the evening or something.

And yes, good advice to stay away from her anyway.

OP posts:
EMS23 · 20/04/2010 16:17

No advice as such but just wanted to say good luck to you and offer my sympathies.

I didn't meet my DH's son for the first 3 years of our relationship because his ex partner forbade it. It was awful and really hard for me (not least because he was sleeping at her house during contact weekends - whole other story!)and now, 6 years on and I'm married to him and she still controls exactly what I can and can't do in relation to my DSS.

I don't think making a stand on this occasion is the right thing to do but just beware that all too quickly your exclusion from anything involving the child becomes the norm and it is very hard to change.

Original poster
foolio · 20/04/2010 17:11

EMS23 - thanks for your post and the good wishes.

I'm interested that someone else was kept away from a DSC for so long.

How do you feel about the EW still controlling things after all this time? Has she moved on with her life? Are you still excluded from things? If you are, how do you feel about that? So many questions...

OP posts:
mjinhiding · 20/04/2010 17:26

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littlemoominmamma · 20/04/2010 18:43

Just to put another point of view, my husband has always acknowleged that his step - daughter already had a mum and a dad when we met and she was most comfortable when just her mum and dad attended things like parents evening etc.

He never forced his presence on her but attended when invited. He always took her (and her dads) feelings into consideration.

This year she graduated from university (partly funded by my husband). She chose to take me and her gran and grandad. He did not chuck his toys out of the pram at not getting a ticket or put pressure on her to get another one. (he has been her step-dad for nineteen years)

She has nothing but the utmost love and respect for him. Sometimes it takes a bigger person to watch from the wings and not want to take credit for all they have done. He has his no.1 dad keyring on his keys and I know that he treasures this gift from her and loves her very much.

Original poster
foolio · 21/04/2010 10:03

"Sometimes it takes a bigger person to watch from the wings and not want to take credit for all they have done".

Thanks for pointing this out. I'm going to follow this sage advice.

MJ, thanks to you too for making me see a different perspective on things. If my DP was not allowed to see his daughter because of me, it would kill him. I don't want that so I will learn to take a step back, accept that sometimes this situation sucks, and find a way to live with it.

Do you take the view that you just assume you're not going to be invited to anything and then if you are invited, it's a bonus?

OP posts:
Monty100 · 21/04/2010 10:21

Littlemoo - really welling up here . Lovely lovely post.

Foolio - I think you did well to come here and ask for advice and I think you've done even better to listen . Good luck, one day the little girl will be old to enough to appreciate you and take the steering wheel. (In the meantime the EW might calm down).

mjinhiding · 21/04/2010 10:34

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EMS23 · 21/04/2010 11:31

foolio - she is controlling things generally but like mjinhiding said, the flipside to me kicking up a fuss was the potential that my DH would have his access restricted so put simply, I learned very quickly not to. I love my DH too much to be the cause of him not seeing his son.

The fact is that as the step parent you don't actually, in reality, have any rights and the benefit of being patient is the wonderful relationship you eventually gain with your step child.

I got married last year and had enough problems satisfying my parents who are still together so imagining my DSS ever having to go through that because of me wanting to be at an event against his mothers wishes helps me to stay calm and not feel excluded.

Mongolia · 21/04/2010 11:32

"The flip side is we do not pay for anything DH is not invited to, so for example we were asked to pay half of DSDs skiing trip, he agreed, if he was allowed to wave coach of, be there to greet her on return, DSD was terrified of her mothers reaction so said no, therefore we saved £350, I call it cutting of your nose to spite your face, and there is a certain Karma to it"

Fantastic, you saved the money, but hurt the child by placing her right in the middle of her parents' battleground... if you act like that all the time, no wonder they don't want you around.

Mongolia · 21/04/2010 11:32

that was for mjinhiding by the way.

mjinhiding · 21/04/2010 11:54

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Mongolia · 21/04/2010 12:06

I think you have some very strong feelings against your DH's ex, which I may totally understand as I am having a similar hell from my ex and I suspect that if it continues as it is, I might be as resentful as you are in a few years time.

Sometimes it's easy to loose perspective of the issues, especially when the other parent has been behaving as an arse for a long time. True your H is not a cashpoint, and ski trips are not essential expenses, but really, I will understand him not wanting to contribute because he disagreed with the trip, didn't have the money, etc but not sharing on the burden of the cost just because he wanted to wave her off? pleaaaaaaaasee, that sounds just like manipulative behaviour on your H's part aimed to the mum, but handed down to the child for her to pass it over to the mum. That is what I think is not OK, is hitting the child to hurt the mum. Sorry.