emotional turmoil, any coping strategies greatly appreciated

[steppingup]

hello everyone.
I'm struggling with the emotional aspects of being a step mum and was hoping people could point me in the right direction to help me cope.
I have 2 DSC, 9 & 7 who spend every weekend with us. Me and DP have been together for 2 yrs. I find it difficult and I don't really know why. They are usually well behaved although the boy, 7 can be very rude and attention seeking but this is minimal. People say I am great with them, including my DP and I have never let my emotions show to the kids. I'm loving and affectionate to them when they want it, give them time alone with their dad and tend to their needs.
My problem is I feel so out of place. I actually felt nervous and scared coming home from work today because they would be here and I contemplated staying late at work! Although I didn't. I don't feel like I belong here when the DSC are here, I feel out of place and in the way.
Can people advise me of what they do to cope with the general stickyness of being a step mum? As always, some days are great, some days are awful and today is the latter. Thanks

Sounds to me like you are doing a very good job with your stepkids. Why don't you plan something with them once in a while which does not involve your partner. Then you won't constantly feel on the outside looking in. I understand you letting them have time alone with their dad but you and him are an item and you are now part of his life so balance this out a bit.

Even if you had your own kids you will find some days are awful and some are great.

As time goes on, and the more you are involved the easier it should be, especially as you are obviously being so accommodating and kind. Stick with it. You will be ok.

Thank You
I do try my best to please everyone and find that I tend to take a back seat unless its things like cooking their tea or buying their clothes!

I'm just struggling trying to be involved and I guess scared of being rejected

Couple of quick points:
Please don't try and please everyone! You will fail and be miserable too! Just try to do what you think is the right thing to do, and be kind to yourself when you don't manage it.
Secondly, don't worry about being rejected/not liked/an outsider etc etc. All pretty much comes with the territory at times as a step-parent. And sometimes even as a parent too, so don't worry about it.
Only concern yourself with acting with as much integrity as you can muster and let everyone else get on with it.
Don't be hard on yourself either - instead be your very own supportive and encouraging best friend. Every step-parent needs one!
Lots of love x

Thanks for the messages of support much appreciated.
It is a tough job and i'm always kicking myself and telling myself to be more relaxed about everything but its so hard!
I'd like to look at that thred, let me know if you find it!

I have been a step parent now for just over 4 years and I completely understand your feelings - even now! My DSD can be very difficult, attention seeking and bloody rude to me (she is 11) and sometimes I want to throttle her to be honest! I often feel like a 3rd wheel when she is around and I have had to get used to her and my DH having their own relationship that I will never really understand.

Even now I have to admit that I slightly dread the days she comes to stay - she takes over the living room watching awful kids tv, leaves her stuff everywhere and if I have to hear the words "I don't like [insert most foods]" one more time I think I might scream!! My DH and I have our own (much younger) children together so I am sure I will experience all of this with my own brood in a few years time. The learning with this is that children can be foul, annoying and generally a pain in the arse whether they are yours or not.

However, much of her most vexing behaviour disappears when it is just the 2 of us doing something together and so the advice someone else gave about spending time on your own with your step children is really sound. You will build up your own relationship with them and it will help you feel less of an outsider.

Good luck and PLEASE don't be too hard on yourself. It really is the most thankless task being a step parent and yet you will also find you discover new things about yourself and you might even end up with a lovely relationship with some not too bad children!

I have been a step mum now for getting on for 10 years, DSD is now 14 and lives with us. I know exactly what you mean about feeling an outsider, I used to feel this and it used to upset me. Honestly, you know what helped me? Having my own baby. They now see DS as their brother and therefore I now feel that I am part of the family. Sorry if that's not a helpful answer!!

Thanks again for the kind words, and thanks for the thread
A couple of you have mentioned having a baby. It is something we are both aiming for in the next year or so and I hope that it will make me feel more like family. My DP says it will but i have my doubts. I want a baby so much and so does my DP which is great I think I need to be more comfortable with my emotions before we start making babies though. I know i will always be second fiddle and would never be equal to their dad but I can't seem to come to terms with this and be comfortable with it.
Its always him they ask if they want something, even if he's say in the bathroom and I'm in the same room as they are. I don't think the kids hate me, far from it, it's just I don't think they feel too fond of me and prefer time with their dad.

You will always be second fiddle with step children, it's only natural I'm afraid. DSD now lives with us (and has done for 3 years) yet she still goes to DH first. At one stage I felt fourth fiddle after DH, their mother and their step father!! You will always be the most important person to your own child though and when that relationship develops you will stop worrying about being second fiddle to the step children. It will help you get your relationship with them in context.

stepping up, I read your OP and thought I could have written that myself.

I think we'll always feel like the outsider. I know exactly how you are feeling. I dread coming home from work sometimes too. I feel like the lodger sometimes. I feel unappreciated and alone.

I have no space to myself when DSD is here. Someone else posted about them taking over the house - absolutely. Mine even started rummaging around in my bedside drawer and rolling all over the bed. I didn't make a fuss though, I asked DP to explain to her that she had the whole house to play in apart from one room.

Whoever posted that having your own baby helps is, I think, absolutely right. We're not at that stage yet but I can anticipate that it will change things for the better.

So difficult. At least you know your feelings are completely normal and you're not the only one who feels that way. Far from it!

Thanks foolio. I've said to my DP that Home is just a house to me when his kids are here. I don't feel i can do 'normal' things. I had issues with them barging into our room too. My DP didn't see it as a problem but I explained that there is no where in the house that is private from them and our bedroom should be private. I managed to get them to knock before being invited in, now they knock as they barge in...sigh... What age are your DSC and how long have you been together with their dad?

Hi Stepping up - we've been together three years. DSD is 8, and actually a really nice kid, no "side" to her and her mum hasn't turned her against me so far.

Yes, I had the knocking on the door then barging in anyway too!! DP totally accepted though that I needed some space of my own. I aassume your DSCs have their own room? If so, they will easily understand that the bedroom is "your room". You'll feel a lot better if you say something and there is a way to do it without hurting anyone's feelings.

Did you read the thread about feeling jealous - if not, read it, it will help you!

Someone posted there about not wanting to do things that DP and DSD enjoyed doing (the Wii is a particular bone of contention). You know what though? You don't have to be doing things with them ALL the time.

Since moving in with DP I've started doing things that I enjoy, even if it means I'm not always around when DSD is there.

My motto has become "I'm glad to see DSD, but I'm glad to see her go". She's not my daughter and I don't feel guilty about saying that.

Hi again,
I did read the thread and there's some good info on there.
they share a room which isn't ideal for them although we've tried to make it comfy for them, boys stuff on one side of the room, girls stuff on the other. They don't seem to understand things like privacy and personal space and I'm struggling to get it through to them. They also don't understand the value of possesions. They rummage through my stuff and I tell them they shouldn't because it's not theirs, if they want something they must ask. But my DP doesn't re-enforce this, I guess he doesn't care if his kids are rumaging around.
I just want things to be a bit smoother and to not be so hurt all the time!