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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I am meeting dd's father's girlfriend - stepmums help me out

17 replies

incandescent · 13/04/2010 21:03

DD is 11 months. She was conceived during an accidental drunken shag with a dear old friend. He went on to meet his partner when I was 5 months pregnant.

As he lives abroad, he only sees DD every 6 weeks for a day. However, he announced that from now on, his girlfriend will be coming with him, as she feels excluded.

I met her briefly a few months ago...she seems nice but the fact is, I don't want to share my baby with her. I want to keep having my friend come up and spend the day with me and DD on his own. It's the only chance I get to co-parent. I'm not trying to nick him - I wish them every happiness - but I just don't want her in my life just yet. DD is still a baby and obviously doesn't know her father, due to the sporadic contact. I want to argue that DD should get to know her father first, and when she can articulate this, then girlfriend can hang out with us too.

But I know I can't demand this...I just hate having to deal with a stepmum so early in my DD's life, even though her dad weren't in a relationship.

So...my question stepmothers is...how I can make this easier for her and for me?

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Milliways · 13/04/2010 21:11

Surely he will start taking your DD out for the day soon? Would it not be better for DD to get to know his Partner as she gets to know him - especially before she gets to the terrible Twos?

I feel for you - it must be hard. But the Dad IS making an effort by travelling abroad so regularly and you don't want that to stop - or for him to get fed up?

I am just reading "The Stepmothers support group" by Sam Baker - it is really enjoyable!

harimo · 14/04/2010 06:40

I would ask to meet with her (without him) for a coffee/ lunch date.

You need to get to know HER to make sure you are OK with her being around your baby.

From your DD's POV, the sooner she meets / bonds with the SM / GF, the better.

Also agree how things will work going forward - do you want your DD to call you or do you want to call your DD at a set time? Agree that now.

It sounds like your DD's father is going to be a good dad, and it's likely that the GF will be a positive influence in her life.

Whatever you do, don't freeze GF out of your life. Your DD will have a relationship with her no matter what. You might not want to hear that, but it's true.

I've been a SM for over 10 years and my DSDs are 11 and 15. Their mum will, barely, speak to me. I'm sure that she believes we have a non existant relationship. She's wrong.

Nymphadora · 14/04/2010 07:05

Could you go for coffee with her while he takes dd for a walk or something?

compo · 14/04/2010 07:28

I don't think when her dad comes to see dd it is coparenting time
surely he should be having the day with dd without you there so they can get to know each other? If he wants to do this with his girlfriend that is fair enough
what about when you're in a relationship - he'll have to get used to the possibility of dd living with another man

Sibble · 14/04/2010 07:28

I might be very wrong as I don't know her but I wonder if she is feeling insecure about your relationship with your friend. Although you were not in a relationship you obviously have a history, share memories even as good friends and have a child together. I wonder whether the odd visit with her in tow would put her mind at rest and the need to come along to be included would not be as strong. I might be tempted to explain to your friend that you don't want to exclude her but you're not comfortable with her coming every time. Encourage her to come to his next visit and take it from there. She might not want to come to the next anyway????

Original poster

incandescent · 14/04/2010 09:27

Thanks everybody. You're exactly right Sibble - she's extremely insecure. She feels extremely threatened by my friendship with DD's dad.

Part of the problem is that I'm living with my mum - so if they both come round it would feel pretty intrusive. I will suggest that I meet them somewhere more neutral and go out for a coffee with her alone. I may even be honest with her and say, please don't take this personally, but I feel very protective of my baby and this is quite painful for me, but I am committed to having a meaningful friendship with you and don't want to freeze you out.

compo - Dd's dad ideally should be spending the day alone with DD, but she is only 11 months and has only seen him about 8 times in her life. I think she' ll go to him easier if I'm there.

OP posts:

harimo · 14/04/2010 11:44

Honesty is the way to go.

If she doesn't have kids, then she isn't going to really 'get' it (I'm a SM and a mum of two and I didn't ever really GET it till I had my own kids...) but knowing that your reservations are about your child - not about some relationship with your DD's father - will put her mind at rest.

ChocHobNob · 14/04/2010 17:35

I was in GF's position, in that I was with Hubby before baby was born but we are a little way down the line now.

As much as it might be thought to be her insecurities about wanting to be involved in the visits, (sorry OP) but it's also your insecurities about you wanting the visits to be all about you, Dad and baby and not wanting to share your child. So best to get it sorted sooner rather than later. Those are feelings you are going to have to try and get over. The set up in the future isn't going to be the two of you parenting baby together, it will be you and the Dad parenting (together but) separately and Dad will have his GF involved.

I think it's best to pick your battles basically. His GF being involved is not something you can really stop (unless she's a risk to your child). She has been with the Dad for over a year by the looks of it, so really has no reason not to be involved. Yes, you all being in different countries makes things more difficult and if you don't want them both in your home, then a meeting at another venue would be better. Somewhere where Dad can spend time with his child, with you nearby if needed. Could you go to a park, soft play area or somewhere?

Yes, you're going to feel protective over your baby, but it might just be a case of the GF wants to be involved in this aspect of her partner's life. She wants to be part of his child's life. It doesn't mean she must want to take over your role or become Mum.

If you're all adult about it all, it should work. She might turn out to be a pain. Not all step parent's are perfect, I agree, just like not all biological parents. But it's something you have to tackle when/if it arises. Good luck.

Original poster

incandescent · 15/04/2010 09:39

Thanks ChocHobNob - that's very insightful. Do you mind me asking what your relationship with BM is like now? Are you civil to each other?

I want to try and achieve this - and actually, if we click, to be friends with this woman. I think at the moment we're both actually terrified of each other.

OP posts:

RiverOfSleep · 15/04/2010 09:54

I don't have any useful advice but wanted to say, you sound like a very thoughtful and reasonable person. It sounds like you think a lot of DD's father and its more than likely that you will end up friends with GF - hes not the kind of person to have a relationship with an idiot.

Not sure I have explained very well. You sound nice, you say hes nice, hes bound to have picked a nice girlfriend.

posieparker · 15/04/2010 09:58

Oh I can imagine how you're feeling but your DD will just have an extra person in her life that cares about her, this will take nothing away from you....you will always be her favourite even when she's a teen and screams that she'd rather live with Dad!! Good luck, give your feelings some room and take each day at a time. I'm sure the GF has big reservations too, afterall you do have her dp's child and I'm sure she'll do everything to fit in.

SolidGoldBrass · 15/04/2010 09:59

My situation's not unsimilar to yours Incandescent. My DS dad is an old buddy, wasn#t my partner when DS was concieved, is a good dad and a good co-parent.
For a time when DS was about 2 his dad was seeing someone. I felt a tiny bit wary, but met her a couple of times and liked her - their relationship is another one that had been on and off for years and she has teenage DC of her own.
It does kind of work out OK, as RoS said, if you are nice and your DD's dad is nice the odds are that the GF will be nice as well and hopefully you will all be able to be friends.

Ivykaty44 · 15/04/2010 10:09

meet her and have a chat, go somewhere as other people have siad like a soft play area whre you can chat and have coffee.

If they have children then your child will have siblings and wouldn't it be good if all three parents could get on so the siblings can.

my 2 dd's have a brother with another mummy, i have always wanted to make sure that the siblings get on and see each other, me and the mum do and this helps make the children bond, even though there is 6 years between all of them they do love each other...

ChocHobNob · 15/04/2010 10:42

incandescent We do "get on", in that we are polite to each other, say hello, make small talk ... but the difference with my situation is that DSD's Mum was the Other Woman in my husband's affair ... sooooo, what I'm saying is, it is possible for everything to be amicable and friendly, even in tough situations. If everyone can try and be mature about it all

ChocHobNob · 15/04/2010 10:43

I completely get you on the being terrified of each other part. It's the fear of the unknown. Get it out of the way and if things go well, you'll think back and say, what on earth was I worried about?

SolidGoldBrass · 15/04/2010 10:56

Definitely think of all the positives - in your case there is a big one from the start in that you and your DD's dad have not had a bitter breakup to get over. So basically there is potentially another person in DD's life who will love her and be there for her - the more loving adults in a child's life, the better. The GF may become a good friend to you as well (and more friends is a nice thing). THere is also the possibility of half-siblings for her in the future.
I do understand that it's a bit alarming, though, but it will almost certainly be fine once you have got the first meeting out of the way.

BitOfFun · 15/04/2010 11:20

Try not to think of her as a stepmum either- it's a pretty big stretch to define her in those terms, IMO. You kind of need to trust the bloke's judgement as the baby's dad- he is allowed to introduce her to whoever he likes, to be blunt, because she isn't "yours" alone, even though it feels like that because you care for her all of the time. Honestly, it won't confuse or upset your dd in any way- but it may be bad for her in the long run if the visits from her dad drop off because not allowing his partner to accompany him has caused friction in his relationship. Sometimes you just have to grit your teeth and get on with it- I'm sure you'll be fine.

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