Issue with childrens belongings..

[foureleven]

I need some advice please with regards children having 'complete houses' at both their mum and dad's house.

I have a four year old daughter. She stays with her Dad one day a week as well as every other weekend. My partner has an eleven year old daughter who stays with us 2 days a week as well as every other weekend. Step daughter is also with us all daytime every saturday.

Do people think it is more suitable psyclogically for children to have a complete house with boths parents and not carry things to and fro. Or is it better to be able to take personal belongings to and fro..?

I can obviously give loads more detail about how we do it and why we do it that way but really keen to know what people think without knowing first if you know what I mean..?

It would be particularly helpful if anyone knows of any studies in to this...? Or real life stories?

My DDs don't have a complete house at their Dads. DP doesn't have any children but if he did I wouldn't expect them to have a complete house here. I send DDs day clothes, they have everying else there ie PJs, toothbrushes, hair brushes and even some underwear I think. They go every other weekend for 1 or 2 nights. Now they are older (13 and 9) they may pack other things like DD1 takes her ipod and her own sanitary towels.

We have had both. Intitially when the children lived locally, then we had everything for them at our house.

Then when they moved abroad and we only saw them 5 times a year, that continued. Despite a court order saying that their mum should provide clothes for their vists due to the gaps in between. That even included occasions when we stayed in their country-we had to take everything for them with us. They literally turned up in what they were wearing.

This continued until they were all teenagers and back living near us. Then visits started getting cancelled at short notice. they didn't turn up for holidays etc and we never knew when we would see them next.

So in the end after one visit when we happened to have them all stay with us, we sent all their clothes back with them and asked them to start bringing their stuff with them in future. We had given their mum and them advance warning that we would be doing this. We had just got so fed up up paying for expensive items they wanted and then not seeing them for months so that by the time they turned up again the clothes didn't fit. We still provided all the toiletries etc.

We never stopped them taking anything back to their mums but did make it clear that if they took something there and didn't bring it back, then they should not expect us to buy another one - gameboys etc.

My SD goes to her Mums in an outfit and comes back after the weekend in the same clothes 99% of the time.

She has everything at her Mums and nothing goes from home to her Mums or visa versa.

For us that works best as we used to provide full take with her bag but invaribly things came back damaged in the wash, ripped etc. This way we control what she goes in and she doesn't go in best clothes, I always make sure she looks presentable, clean etc but not in best clothes.

We do the same with ds's, ipods, toys etc. She has one set of belonging at ours and one at her Mums. Things would just not get as respectfully looked after there and her younger half sibling would be allowed to break stuff, then we would have to replace it, so they don't go in first place.

When my DSDs were little, we had 'complete houses' in that the kids did not bring or (to a lesser extent ) take anything back and forth.

but they are older now (teens) and (i) do not want to leave stuff dad has bought them here - they want to use it and (ii) want their stuff from their mums

We live close by though, and I don't work so it's easy to drop things off if they are forgotten.

My 2 have clothes here & dads and some toys etc but special things & current favourites go back and forth.

2 boys - 7y & 4y.
ex lives few miles away and has them 1 overnight in week and 1 24 hr period every weekend.

They take v little between houses, they have clothes and toys at both.
Occasionally they will take something, and I can see this getting more as they get older and want to take gizmos and of the moment things (ds1 will often take his camera or Match Attaxs).
If one of us is taking them away we will swap clothes to ensure we have enough to last the away period without buying more.

Thanks for all the points of view. What came across is everyone seems pretty relaxed about it so I'll try not to worry.

My 4 year old daughters dad doesnt have much for her at his flat. It has never sat well with me to pack her off with a little suitcase as I want her to feel that his house is her home as well as ours.

My step daughter (who although for CSA and tax credits purposes apparently lives with her mother) is with us for usually 4 days a week and always every day on saturday. I would like a complete house for her here because we have the space. But it seems everytime I buy her anything it goes back to her mums and we never see it again. I thought the other day I would just stop buying things then i felt unfair because I also want her home to be here, shes here so much. Also she's 11 now and reaching a stage where she wants lots of options for what to wear. i.e has packed a skirt and blouse then wakes up and is in the mood to wear joggers. This puts her in a bad mood all day (as I would be if I felt uncomfortable in my clothes!)

I should really just check her bag before she leaves and make sure she leaves things at ours... but then I feel a bit security guard!

Oh the trials and tribulations of being a step parent hey.