Bedrooms

[thegingercat]

I'd really appreciate some input on this subject.

Partner and I are considering moving in together and are thinking about what is best bedroom wise for all our children.

Partner has 4 children; Girl, 14, Girl 12, Boy 11, Girl 7. They live with their mother most of the time and live with my partner at his house 2 nights per week. All the children have a complete home at both houses and nothing goes in between including all toys and clothes.

I have 1 son aged 12. He lives with me vast majority of the time and stays with his Dad only 1 night a month. Doesn't have anything of his own at his Dad's - not even a toothbrush. Unfortunately, the lack of contact is only down to his Dad.

We would have to move into partners house (due to work reasons - it's a "tied" house) and the current set up bedroom wise is as follows; 4 bedroom house. Partner has main bedroom, his 2 eldest daughters have a medium size room which they share with bunk beds, his son has the other medium size room and his youngest daughter has a very small box room.

My son currently has a medium size room with bunk beds for when a friend wants to stay.

What would you say would be the fairest way to organise the bedrooms whilst not upsetting his children and making them feel pushed out but also by giving my son a space that he feels is his own.

Mmmm. Tough one.

Really I'd like to see your son having a room of his own, but I don't think it's really possible without causing too much upset. Having the 3 DDs in one room while the two boys each have a room of their own isn't really on...

I think I'd put the oldest DD in the small room, alone. Then have your DS and your partners DS share, with bunks for your DS and friends who stay and a single for your partners DS. The other two DDs could then share the second middle-sized room.

Maybe you could a have triple bunk bed in the boys room, or two singles of which one with a pull out bed underneath.

I would discuss it with the children.

So his children over 2 nights a week, your ds would live with you permanently essentially?

Your ds has the 2nd medium room with bunkbeds, so your ds shares with dp's ds 2 nights a week the logical option, but depends obviously on how they get on. Other option, in case sons don't get on, might be to triple bunk the girl's bedroom, so that there is flexibility for yonger dd to go in there or even to be able tp have a friend for a sleepover.

But talk to them all. There has to be changes unless you are going to extend into the roof space.

Thanks for the messages. I have thought long and hard about this and decided that DS could share with DP's son, this seems the most sensible solution and the two boys do get on very well - sometimes too well as they don't seem to get much sleep when we stay!

I knew it meant that DS would have to compromise and so would partners DS but it meant everything else could stay the same for the girls.

However, DP has recently asked his DS how he would like his room decorated, what posters he would like and wanted to buy bunk beds but didn't because his DS didn't want them, so bought two singles instead. The room has sloping ceilings and a big window along one wall and a radiator along the other , so although the room is a reasonable size, there is actually only really one wall where wardrobes etc can go.

It really upset me that DS wasn't considered and I was told that he had to keep his son "sweet", which made me feel that my DS should just put up with things. DS is unlikely to ever have the opportunity to live anywhere else but with me but I think DP worries that his kids won't want to come anymore. However, bear in mind that DP is very keen for us to move in, so it all seems very strange that he isn't consulting my son at all.

There is a "spare" room downstairs and this is currently being used as a study / utility room and I think I am now going to suggest that this be used as a bedroom and my son can have his own room and his own space and he can keep his son "sweet" as much as he likes without it interfering with my son having a space of his own.

Alarm bells would be ringing like crazy if I were you - sorry.

He has had a lot of hassle from his ex and she is constantly telling him the children don't want to come and stay even though they have told him and other family members that they do. I think this is why he is being so precious over his children at the moment.

At this moment in time we don't live with him and I have made no commitment of a date, unfortunately this incident doesn't make me want to rush in. While we don't live there and have a home of our own, he can do as he pleases in his house and this is what I keep telling myself.

Until he can look with excitement at having your ds come and live there, then hold fire. Your ds is going to be under his/your roof 24/7, not just two nights a week, and it should be a big positive for your ds to move, not be an afterthought.

I moved to live with my now DH and his 2 children. Me and my 3 children moved into his house. He had a 4 bedroomed property.

To begin with My DH and I had one room, his ds and dd kept their own rooms and my 3 (2 girls/1 boy) shared a room. At the time they were all young enough to do this and it meant the least upheaval. After a year or so my ds got his own room and sd moved in with my two girls. We have moved house twice since and it is still each of the boys have their own room and the 3 girls still share. Mostly it works out ok but my eldest would like her own room really.

I do know what you mean about doing what ss wants more than what might be necc really. To me there has been many a time when I have thought the 2 boys should share, my eldest dd should have her own room and the youngest 2 should share, but DH says eldest child has always had his own room so shouldn't have to share. To be honest he is right as ss stays up really late and stays in bed all day given the chance, where as my ds goes to bed early and gets up early so on a practical level it is best this way, but it does annoy me at times that he seems to have this right to a room and mainly cos DH is scared he may otherwise want to go and live with his Mum rather than stay with us.

I would go down the spare downstairs room as a bedroom. In our current house thats what we do and TBH if your son would be happy to have that room I would let him have it, my ds has our downstairs room and loves it. Maybe you could swap around a little once everyone has got used to living together but to begin with I would do whatevers easiest to get everyone settled asap. Hope that helps. Buttons

oh I feel for you it's not easy, but I think you need to talk. Your dp should also be thinking about your ds after all he wants you to move in and your ds has to leave his house etc while his kids only stay 2 nights and they are not moving home. Your idea of using the study is a good one and seems the best option all round as keeps his ds sweet!!! and your ds gets his own room especially as he will be in it every night. He also needs to speak with his kids and ask them how they feel and not listen to his ex. -good luck hope it all works out for you ALL

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We've had a bit of a chat about the downstairs room being used as a bedroom and he is open minded about it but has said he thinks he should approach his employer about an extension which he seems to think he may get or there is a bigger house down the road, we may be able to take on.

Sometimes I find it strange how my son doesn't even get a toothbrush let alone his own bed or bedroom at his Dad's and yet my DP is so keen for his children to have a "home" at his. Not that it's a bad thing but I have always felt that the child who lives in the house all the time (like my ex husbands step children) have the right to have a space of their own and the children who don't live there all the time may have to compromise as they have another home that they live in the majority of the time. But DP seems to see it as completely the opposite. I am more than happy to treat all the children as if they live with us all the time, but that does mean treating them all the same, which I don't think DP really does on this issue, although he says differently.

The more I think about it, the more I think sharing is not an option for my son especially as he reaches adolescence and knowing that there may be conflift between the 2 boys and DP wanting to side with his DS for fear of upsetting him.

Thanks for all the input and opinions, it's been good to read. Hopefully we can sort out an option that everyone is happy with.

Boxroom?

There isn't a spare room - a box room. All the bedrooms / box rooms are used.

Yes, but my partner was saying that it would be his son's room and my DS was allowed to stay in it, not that it would be "the boys" room. His DS was the only one allowed to have a say in how the room was decorated, what stuff could be kept in there etc.

Yes, his DSC have another home, unfortunately through no fault of his own, my DS doesn't - he only has one home and if he is not even allowed to keep his toys in that room (because DSS has filled the room with his) or choose what wall colour he can have on his side of the room, that hardly seemed fair to me, especially when DSS has a room of his own somewhere else for 5 days per week.

I think your partner needs to start thinking about treating all of the children equally, or you should not move in with him.

Saying it is his DSes room and your DS is only allowed to stay in it, when he will be there more often is completely wrong. I would be concerned at this attitude.

He hasn't used those exact words but when we talked about decorating he didn't ask my son, only his DS and then when I questioned why both boys couldn't have a say I was told that he had to keep his boy "sweet". I suggested getting bunk beds but his DS didn't want them so he bought 2 singles instead meaning there is no room for extra wardrobes etc.

I have given up on the idea of sharing, to be honest. I now feel that DS needs a space of his own where he can do what he wants without forever worrying about upsetting a child that is only there 2 days per week. His kids also stay up late and get up at 6am even on weekends and are allowed to get up and go downstairs and play and I really would like my son to be able to get some sleep in the mornings if he needs it.

DP is now talking about converting the utility room downstairs to a bedroom but leaving all the utilities in there (I've suggested moving them elsewhere) and putting up some partitioning meaning that the room will be tiny. I suspect it will be suggested that DS goes in there and shares his room with the washing machine and freezers etc next to the living space while 2 big bedrooms remain empty upstairs.

I really do want to be fair here, and I keep wondering if I am just being selfish and I shouldn't be upsetting his kids, but DS and I have to move into his home and do fit into his routine and heaven forbid anyone but us make a compromise even though he is the one saying we will all have to compromise.

I've suggested that he tell his children that they are not to get out of bed until 7am at weekends but that idea was dismissed and because there are so many of them and only 2 of us, we get outnumbered. My DS goes to bed at 8.30pm, but his go at 9pm at the earliest, but we have to change our routine. If he won't compromise on things like that, the least he can do, is make sure my DS has his own space and can have his own routine if he needs it. DP gets up early for a 7am start at work so would be downstairs at 6am disturbing whoever was in the downstairs room. Fine if it's one of his children, as they want to get up early, but not really fair on DS who needs his sleep.

I would actually be trying to get out of this relationship if I were you. Your DP does not view your DS as an equal member of the family - that rings serious alarm bells to me.

It is important for children to have their own space in the NRP's home imo - I know with DSS we have always ensured he has his own room with us and that he considers this to be his home as well (although this is less important now as he is 19), but your son also needs his own space, not one shared with white goods!

He's hardly welcoming you both into his home is he?

He's been wanting us to move in for about 18 months (we've only been together 2 years) but I wanted to make sure the relationship was OK before I considered that an option as it's my DS that would have the upheaval.

DP is very good with DS and has no trouble doing stuff with him when his DC aren't around. Generally he treats us very well and certainly wanted me to help choose decor for his bedroom so that I would like it and not feel like I was sleeping in his ex wife's room. He asks me about other stuff in the house and says he wants me to feel at home there.

It's all very easy to say though isn't it? Ultimately when it comes down to making us welcome and him having to make some compromises and tough decisions, it seems it's not so easy.

I'm seeing him later for him to show me exactly what his thoughts are for the utility room. It will be interesting to see his reaction when I suggest one of his children have the room.