Overnight issues

[weekendstepmum]

Hi everyone. I started this thread in behaviour and then realised it might make more sense in the step-parenting category. Sorry if posting twice is bad form!

My partner's five year old daughter loves spending time at our house but is anxious about spending the night. I think she's picking up on the fact that her mum really doesn't want her to sleep over at ours. His court order states that she's to spend the night every other weekend, and she has a room at ours, which she loves, but we haven't wanted to push it and risk upsetting her. It is sad, as this really limits the time she is able to spend with her father. Does anyone have any thoughts on how we can help ease her into overnights?

Thanks mjinhiding. It?s been a really long and difficult struggle for DP to get the order he does have, which I believe actually states Friday evening to Monday morning every other weekend. We?d love to have her over for midweek visits as well, but her mum has said that is out of the question.

The first time DSD was meant to sleep over was last summer and even though she seemed to be looking forward to it, she got really upset at pickup time and ended up refusing to even see her dad. Unfortunately her mum isn?t at all encouraging about it and seems to make every effort to limit contact. DSD does sleep over at her grandmother?s occasionally when her mum wants a night off, which feels like salt in the wound to him.

At this point he could enforce the order, but without mum?s support that would likely mean taking a kicking and screaming five year old more or less against her will. I guess I?m partly wondering if that is a good idea or if that would make things far worse. I am not a parent, so I don?t have any experience to draw on to help him with this?and why I?m here asking advice!

I haven?t met the ex, so I?m not in a position to talk to her about the situation.

Are you certain that she's picking up vibes from her mum - sometimes that's the easiest option to choose for being the problem.

Can you talk to her about any worries she may have and see what she says.

I took my dd to CAHMS (for varying reasons) A professional helped talk her through any worries she may have staying with her dad - when they observed her they told me that she was suffering from separation anxiety. Also that she thought she was the 'mum' and I was the 'child' and that she was worried how I would cope on my own without her because she thought I had no-one else to be with when she wasn't around. I was given different ways of reassuring her that it was ok for her to go away, that I would be ok and always be there when she came back, and that I had lots of things to occupy my time too.

On returning she would ask what I had done without her, so I would sit down and tell her everything I had done eg shopping, spending time with grannie etc. After a while this lessened and now she has that reassurance it has lifted a great weight from her and she is much happier about being away from me.

May not be the same in your case but talking (and knowing the right way to say things) can be the best. Hope you can all be united and work together in helping her feel happier staying overnight. Are you amicable enough with 'mum' to help her get over this hurdle if she is anxious too? Maybe she could come with her one time, see where she will be staying, see how she is in your home environment etc?.. if that's ok with you too?

Sorry must have typed at same time as you.

I think forcing her to stay over would not help. From my experience the best way is to let the children do it in their own time (others would disagree).

How much time do you spend with her? Is it all day, few hours???

If your court order says Fri-Mon, are you in a position to just have her all day sat, drop her back at mums and then pick up again sun - just until she gets used to this? Then ask if she would like to stay the night and tell her if at any time she wants to go home she just has to say. Build up the trust and reassurance that she has a say in things and hopefully she will feel settled enough to stay the whole night.. then progress to two nights.

Bribery, incentives would be the way.

Okay we are going to have a movie night, popcorn, icecream, nachos whatever, blankets in the living room

we can make a tent to sleep in the xxxx room at night time

Make it a fun night to stay , something to take her mind off the sleeping into doing something else and staying is a side effect

if you want to stay tonight, we can do something special tonight ...

... sorry imagination not working well today

Thanks everyone. Talie, your story sounds interesting and I wouldn't be surprised if DSD has the same worries about leaving her mum. Unfortunately we don't have the cooperation of her mum to reassure her, as she's fought the overnight order for years. I think we have to work on getting DSD to make the decision to sleep over on her own (most likely with incentives and fun as wildfish suggests).

To answer your other questions, DP only sees her for 8 hours on Sat and Sun every other weekend at this point. I spend a lot but not all of that time with them, as I think it is important for them to have some time that is just the two of them. DSD's mum has not seen our flat. I'd be fine with her coming over with DSD to see it, but DP doesn't think it would help (she came to see the previous flat last year) and sadly communication with her has really broken down. She's angry that we moved to the same neighborhood, which we did because we wanted to make visits easier on DSD.

It's also been suggested we try a weekend away to take the pressure off staying at ours. Any thoughts on whether that would feel more or less stressful?

"It's also been suggested we try a weekend away to take the pressure off staying at ours. Any thoughts on whether that would feel more or less stressful?"
Depends...
Does she spend overnights with her maternal or paternal grandparents?
Does she have a good relationship with her paternal grandparents?
You need to tread very carefully.
My DSD is 7 and since 3 1/2 she badgered DP to stay overnight with DP and DP's parents. She has always loved being with her dad.
However...
your DSD sounds really arrested in her development via her mums "maternal gatekeeping" influence.

Tread carefully in hope

I would go away somewhere that she would love, tire her out completely through the day so that she drops straight off to sleep. When she has done it the once she will know that there is nothing to worry about and will have a good experience to look back on. I don't expect the mother does want her to stay over with you and so it is better to try and start now, before the attitude has time to harden.

I think all you can do is listen to peoples advice and try different methods.

My dd is extremely emotional and think would go backwards if ever 'control' was taken out of her hands. When she is having a wobbly moment about not wanting to go to her dads, I always encourage her to go but say she has a choice if she wants to come home that evening, the one after or stay the full weekend. She has only returned once, which thankfully the ex was in agreement with about giving her the choice. I think if we made her go or stay, she would suffer more anxiety. She is more happy to go because she feels it is her choice to go - but all children are different and what works for one may not work for another.

Not sure what to advise about mum - it's hard for some parents to let go of their children (I'm still one of them!) It's not about not wanting them to stay with the ex it's just a natural instinct of wanting to protect your dc's, but when they're away that's taken totally out of your control and sometimes you feel so helpless. Not the same as you knowing exactly where they are and that you could see them whenever you wanted if need be ie at grannies house etc.

It is also so important NOT to let the dc's witness any of your anxieties as some have their own issues to deal with without taking on their parents too. Unless you have an amicable relationship with your ex, I don't think parents realise the affect their negativity has on the children - me included, CAHMS helped me to realise where I was going wrong too - what a godsend!

I would say don't blame 'mum' until you know all the facts.

Can dad talk to his ex amicably about this to try and resolve - leaving Court as a last resort - I always think this turns things nasty and gets everyone stressed out!

It is clear there is no easy solution but it It's clear there is no easy answer (not that I really expected one, I guess) but it is good to hear some different perspectives and approaches. DSD is going to be seeing a therapist soon on her own, which we're cautiously optimistic will help her work through some anxiety issues and also start to give her a feeling of independence.

The idea that it would remove the pressure of her having to decide to leave her mum by DP enforcing the order is something I hadn't thought about. The problem I think is that as DSD gets older she's definitely finding her own voice and likes to make decisions. While this probably should have never been framed as her decision to make, like going to school is not a choice, she now feels it is.

It is sad to think that this may take years to improve - and terrible to think of a teenager worrying about her wedding!