how do I help 5 year old adjust to my ex moving away and boyfriend moving in?

[catattoon]

My ex who I seperated from a year ago and with whom I have a good relationship is moving to the other end of the country in the next few weeks. Around the same time my boyfriend is moving in with me. My daughter really likes my new fella but I am worried she will become estranged from her real dad. Any thoughts?

How new is the new fella?

i would try to have both events occur at seperate times,

try to wait a few weeks after her dad has moved, then move your boyfriend in, it would be very easy for a child to think that dads moving away because of the boyfriend, iykwim? kids can add 2 and 2 and come up with 20.

also just talk it all through with her, so she knows where she stands with all of you and knows what to expect, so nothing will suprise her.

hth

I agree with Sparkle

At the end of the day though if her dad is moving to the other end of the country she will become estranged from him, and it is his responsibility to try to keep up some sort of relationship with her, not yours.

Actually I think it is the responsibility of both parents to ensure the best for your child, after all a good relationship with her father would be a good footing for her future happiness. Obviously if your ex is a deadbeat and is unreliable then there's nothing you can do. I have a cousin who lives in Newcastle and her ex lives in Somerset, he's pretty brilliant and has even established a relationship with his son who was 6 months when she took off, they also have an eleven year old and a six year old.

I'm a little old fashioned when it comes to moving in partners with children, I would think you would have to be in a serious relationship for at least a year before you thrust it upon your children. Can't imagine allowing a man to meet my dcs within the first six months and moving in would be a very long time in the future. The chances of a relationship breakdown and the messages that would send to a child already 'abandoned'(in the child's eyes)child would be something i would not risk.

I'm sure others may disagree.

Sparkle I agree.

Posie I agree with your first point that it is the responsibility of both parents to make sure a good relationship is maintained with the child. I'm not sure I agree with your second point totally. I absolutely agree that you should be sure that you are in a long term committed relationship before your DCs meet a new man, but I don't think you can put a time limit on that.

Personally, I let my DDs meet DH around 6 weeks in, and we moved in together after 6 months, that felt right to me, I introduced them as soon as I was sure it was a permanent relationship. I do however despair of a friend of mine whose DC have now walked in to find a strange man in Mummy's bed several times

bratnav, your ending is a perfectly happy one, but it is a little risky. I guess if you think he's the one nope nope, I still think a long courtship and baby steps on commitment is best...

ah-hem, have NO experience in this field.

Fair enough, I DO definitely agree with your point that you are sure new DP is the right one, but as everyone's relationship is different, I think it is impossible to set/suggest a sensible timeframe IYSWIM.

you're right, time is a subjective thing...or rather the right time....

All interesting points to think about thank you. I have been with boyfriend for nearly 6 months. My daughter met him quite early on and they instantly got on. He stays over quite alot so I guess my daughter will not see a great transition at all. He is the kindest, most thoughtful person I have ever met. Meanwhile her dad is not so thoughtful but very reliable and kind in his own way.

My boyfriend listens more, plays more, is less grumpy, remembers all the things she likes to do more than her own dad. However I want her to love her dad and not my partner.

Posie- weird this but I live in Newcastle and my ex is going to Somerset! Maybe the exes can car share lifts back to the toon to see the kids!

Make sure you get skype...my parents live in China and everything is a little more real for my dcs actually seeing their gps!

Sounds like you may have met the one!!

Hello, I am new here but have experience with this. Children aren't especially concerned about the way you make these changes, what matters is how thier routine changes (or preferably stays the same) once the new guy has moved in. As long as the boyfriend is not abusive to you and/or your child, the child doesn't spend much time worrying about it.

You did say that you want her to love her dad and not your partner, I think you mean that you don't intend to replace her father. It is very healthy for children to establish a loving relationship with their mothers new partner. This takes time of course, and should be encouraged.

Good luck with this!

You do have to be aware though, that sometimes children do become more attached to a new partner than their father, especially if they don't see him very often.

For example, again only my personal experience but it might be helpful. My 2 DDs see their father every other weekend, DH and I have been together only 3 years but they think of him as their Daddy. Their father is very good with them and reliable about contact (and maintenance although obviously they are not aware either way of this) and yet because DH is the one who lives with us, who helps care for them day to day he is the one they think of as their 'real' Daddy. In some ways it is fantastic for all of us, I feel very lucky that my DDs have bonded with him so well, but I do feel sorry for exH when I see the hurt in his eyes when he he realises that he has lost his girls IYSWIM.

that's very bittersweet bratnav.