Teenage DSS with abandonement issues. Does he need help?

[bellylaughs]

I'm not really sure if this is the right area to post in but it sounds like some of you have similar issues to ours, so if anyone can help please do!!
I met DH 12 years ago. He had a 2 year old son at the time and was not with the Mum. They shared custody and DH was always 50% or more. We moved in together and at the same time moved back to where DH is from (several hours from where his ex lived.) She agreed that their son should come to live with us full time and I was more than happy to take him on. His Mum is totally useless at sticking to arrangements, making regular contact, keeping promises etc. So there have been many disappointments for him over the years. However, due to a combination of us pushing for contact and him asking her, she has managed to have him to stay around 3 times a year since he came to live with us. He has never stopped loving her and has always got upset after a visit to her. It always takes him a couple of days to settle back down. We muddled along like this for the past few years and he has had a very happy life and been a lovely child. Now he is almost 15 things have changed a bit. He is still lovely of course (in a stroppy teenage sort of way!) but recently seems to be struggling with the situation alot more. He blames alot of moodiness/incidents of misbehaviour or rudeness on his "situation" and always tells us that we couldnt possibly understand what he has to go through etc. Recently he got a detention at school for storming out of a class because he claimed he was feeling emotional about his Mum and didn't want the class to see his tears. He has also been caught stealing from my purse and from a friend at school as well as several incidents of lying (pretty major lies)etc. Hes generally a good boy great with his little sisters other family etc. and has never had trouble with things like drink/drugs etc. Since he seems to put so much down to his "situation" we asked him whether he thinks he needs to talk to someone about it. He said yes. However I just dont know where to start, does this mean we should send him to a counsellor/phsychiatrist/other? I have a feeling he has issues of feeling abandoned by his birth mother and this is what he's struggling with along with feelings of missing her. How do I find the right help for him? Im not even sure if it would be just like opening up a can of worms. Ive never had any dealings with mental health professionals and Im worried they'll make a bigger issue of it than it is or that if we don't find the right professional we could mess him up for life. Please if anyone knows anything about this kind of thing can you advise me? Thanks in advance! I have also posted this in "adoptions" thread as some of the abandonment type issues might be relevant to that topic.

Short answer - yes

He may be acting about because of his situation with his mother - or he may be using that as an excuse when he gets caught - a sort of 'look at poor little me it is not my fault'.

Contact Relate - they do full family sessions as well as couples and we found them excellent.

If his issues are more deep rooted, they will probably tell you they can't deal with it.

If so, approach your GP and ask for a referral - if you are lucky you will have a Youth Mental Health Team near you who will offer councelling and support. They will be able to tell if it is organic or learnt behavious (treatments differ)

The GP may also put you in touch with an NHS scheme that gives an hours councelling / support over the phone for you.

There is no disgrace in this - better to try to do something about it now.

Went through similar with DSS2 - he still has issues but at least we have tried our best by him.

Good luck

Thank you so much WkdSM, that is really good advice. As usual he has now settled down again and had a great week at school and been lovely around the house. This always happens and makes me think acually he's fine and I shouldn't interfere but inevitibly it will all come up again with the next incident/row.

Sorry, can't type much - dc are about to kill each other!

Just had to say that I think that your taking this 'situation' seriously will go a long long way.

Had similar issues growing up, still do, it never really leaves you. I so wish someone had taken the time and effort to speak to me about it and appreciate how I was feeling. Though to be fair at that age, it's very hard to put into words what you're experiencing, you just know there's an underlying unhappiness that lingers.

Wish you and your dss all the best, you sound like you're doing a wonderful job, respecting his emotions by offering to arrange professional help. He may want it, he may not but your reaction to this will be so beneficial, I truly believe that.

I agree with WkdSM that he may be using it as an excuse, but he may also really be struggling with these issues as he has admitted he would like help - that must be a really big thing for him to admit!

Go to the GP and ask them to refer you to Child & Adolescent Mental Health Services
(CAMHS) if possible. I had to take my dd there when her dad left us - they unlocked doors for her that only professionals can and I learned a lot too which helped enormously - we now have very few issues which is great and she is much happier and more feeling secure in having two families.

Good luck.