dreding the stepkids visiting

[stepmumhell]

I think I put my last thread on the wrong page as i took a bit of a bashing from the smug already married people who know nothing about finding a partner later on who hasn't got kids. My question is why do I dred the weekends when my partners kids come round, i have been with him for over a year now and the kids have been staying with us for nearly a year, but leading up to the weekend they stay I get very tense and moreoften than not a little annoyed with my partner, is this normal, will it change, what do I do?

Am really struggling at the moment whether or not to stay in my marriage, because I don't know if I can handle the whole "first family" package: Stepkids (badly behaved, of course), ex-wife, divided loyalties by in-laws, maintenance issues, all compounded by the knowledge that these issues are going to be around for an awful long time if not the rest of my life... If my husband and I didn't have a child of our own, I would be off, you wouldn't see me for dust.
So as to your question - I don't know. Some people seem to be able to handle it, others don't. I think there are certain scenarios that make it easier, others that are more difficult. Ultimately it often depends on how your other half deals with all the messiness as to whether or not it is bearable. It sounds to me like you are not married to this man, and you don't have a child together? If that's the case, at least you can comfort yourself with the fact you have a relatively uncomplicated choice... Good luck x

It's not normal to feel so tense but it is understandable. I have my partners two boys every weekend and although we have a lovely relationship, it can be hard working all week then having the boys at the weekend. Luckily we have a good relationship with the boys' mum so we're all fairly flexible with each others needs. Do you have any weekends off to spend just you and your partner?

Whats your relationship like with your partners children? Do you set boundries. do you do stuff together so that the weekends are fun for you ALL? What support do you get from your partner?

Things get easier when you deal with them, not through time, and if you are feeling like this every week then you need to establish why, and make some changes.

Your feelings are valid, and some people tend to get very defensive when we stepmums say anything about our stepkids, even though they moan about their own kids till the cows come home. Don't worry about this. It's just part of the rich tapestry of experience you'll get by being a stepparent. Come and have a moan here!

How old are they? Do they stay all weekend? Where is the time for you as a couple? You knew they come as a 'package' but the reality is hard work and it must be very hard if you don't warm to them as then what should be your wind down time is taken up looking after them and you can feel resentful. If you can't feel yourself coming to like them and this is the way it is going to be for the foreseeable future you might have some hard thinking to do.

It is so difficult - my second marriage failed - ex blamed my attitude towards his children - suffice to say he was having an affair (serial philanderer though...)but I will say with hindsight - I wish I could have been a better step parent - I just was moody when they were with us but always felt guilty when they went home. I was in my thirties, desperate for our own children (he had been snipped) and I guess this was all about jealously on my part. However, I have seen my own children treated appallingly by their stepmother over the last 16 years or so (she does this in a very manipulative way)and their father can only tell his children (now in their 20s)he loves them in secret emails to which they are now allowed to reply in case the stepmother sees. It is so very hard I think it is understandable to feel tense and uptight but having done the whole spectrum of ages with step kids - (my partner of 10 years has children in their 20s too) please try to make this work - it just back fires on you and the children are left with resentment and unhappy memories. It is so nice when they're older - they become your friends - my partner's 19 year old has sent me a Mother's Day card (and he was once a very typical 10 year old boy - hard to deal with but we got there in the end!!

Thank you all, much better advice than the smug marrieds. In reply to some of your questions, I have a lovely relationship with my partner and he understands that every weekend would be too much for me so we do every other weekend and he see's them in the week, he is supportive and backs me up if I'm not happy about thier behavier. He's helpful when they are round and I am constantly thinking of things to do all together that are fun, we swim, we go to the park, I got them all bikes to have at my house and a goal post for the youngest in the garden, its a kid friendly place but I'm just not warming to them and them to me, they are very quiet unlike me and my daughter and don't say alot or seem know how to enjoy themselves, they are very serious just like mum. I know from this it all sounds good and your probably thinking that i should stop my flippin moaning, but its really about the state I get into before they come over and what to do about it.

Hi Stepmumhell. I just wanted to leave a message to say that you're not the only one who gets into this sort of state. I am exactly the same. With me it was something that gradually happended. I was obviously nervous the first time I met my DSC but that faded with time. But then it seemed to turn the other way and I have no idea why. I get into a bit of a state before they come over. I feel nervous and anxious and I start to get butterflies. I gues my situation is different because I don't have any DC of my own, I think that's my biggest problem.
i know I'm not offering any advice but I just wanted you to know you're not on your own. Feel free to message me if you want to chat

I just wanted to say, it does get easier.

I have been with DH for over 10 years now and the kids are now 12Yo and 15Yo.

We have worked out our own little way of dealing with each other.

I used to feel physically ill at the thought of having to deal with / see / be around DH's ex. She was so agressive.

Now, I'd happily invite her in for coffee. She'd never accept... but by changing my behaviour, I've been able to redress the power thing - I no longer feel controlled by her (and her knowing that means she no longer FEELS she has the power!).

Anyway, just wanted to say, it does get easier.

Dear Stepmumhell (the name says it all)
I felt pretty much the same as you when DSS were growing up - tense and jumpy when they visited - I think it was partly putting too much pressure on myself to make it all perfect for them
They are now 16 and nearly 19 - my DH and I have survived but only because we talked about everything really openly. DSS2 once said DH was a coward because he always did what I said - to which DH replied that because he was not my DS I had a clearer view of what was good for him in the long term, talked a lot of sense and was right 99% of the time. DSS2 shut up!!!
So - talk about it to DH, stick togetehr (especially in front of DSCs) and remember that they will go off and have their own lives leaving you and DH together.

This is my first Mumsnet post (have been lurking for a while though!) but I wanted to say that I know what you mean, and it's really nothing to do with the kids. I have a lovely DSD (7), she is well behaved, kind, funny and really a joy to be around but I still find her visits really hard. I spend ages trying to think of fun things to do and cooking nice things to eat and when she arrives all she wants to do is sit in her pyjamas and play computer games . What has helped me is just to chill out and not try to do all sorts of things, but just spend time together as a family. If that means computer games and chess all day then so be it. I think that SCs just want to feel like they're part of the family (which they are) and that means doing the things that you would do if they're not there, IYSWIM.

Hi, firstly I'm a newbie on here but it is such a relief to read this thread as I now know I am not abnormal!

I have been with my DH for 5 years now, our daughters were just 3 when we met (one each from previous). Although my DSD is well behaved, better than my own DD who is bossy, I just do now warm to her at all. She comes every 2nd weekend for the whole weekend and I have those same feelings of anxiety and dread that many of you here have. My DD also has these feelings as she spends the whole weekend getting told off for being bossy. She was an only one until we had out DS together whereas the DSD is 4th child of 5.

Recently I would go as far as to say I am beginning to resent my DSD, even though I know it is silly and as an adult I shoudl keep this in check but any arguments my DH and I have always seem to stem from our DDs.

It is putting a huge strain on our relationship.

I'm afraid I don't have any advice but it is comforting to read that it might get better. Incidently my DSD does not appear to register my feelings as she likes to spend time with me on our own as well, which I must say feels odd and sometimes as I get so little time on my own I woudl rather go round the supermarket on my own for peace!!!

Hi Stepmumhell,
Just wanted to offer some words of support as I also feel the same way as you. In my case I think a lot of it is because everyone else seems to make decisions that affect myself and DH a lot but we have no control over it and we don't get much support from his parents either. I can't say whether it will get better with time but I do know sometimes the thought of it is worse than the reality and to cherish the time you have together with your DH and don't let these feelings spoil things for you, try to think of something else when they come along. Take care x

Hi, big support to you lovely.

P.s I have also learnt that it is best to find a board of likeminded people, or rather people who are in a similar sitution to you. I think it is human nature to be defensive about the things you hold dear and the 'smug marrieds' or mums who arent step mums dont always understand.

One night my DSD (before I would have classed her as my step daughter) had her first period and asked her dad to call her mum as she was all she wanted at the time(as most girls would)her mum gushed and slurred down the phone how upset she was that her little girl wasnt an innocent baby anymore and told DSD that she couldnt expect her to be at her beckon call and so would see her after the weekend, nearly 3 days later.
That's the night she became my stepdaughter, I ran her a both, gave her a hot water bottle and we rented a film to watch cuddled on the sofa.

I love my step daughter to little bits and pieces. But it hasnt always been that way, it takes time to build a relationship just as with any relationship.

With your own child, thanks to hormones, most mums will bond instantly. But you dont have that with a step child.

I hope it gets easier for you, and Im sure you'll warm to them in the end but its not all down to you. They need to work at it too, and if their not tiny kids they will be able to do that with the right guidance from dad.

if their mum is a witch however, its a lot more difficult as resentment does build up..

Grrr.....!

Hi,
I'm new to this and a new mum too, with a 7month baby girl. I'm so glad I found this thread as I was feeling like the worst person in the world with my step daughter. As since my little girl was born I've started resenting my step daughter coming, who is 5 years old and has always needed a lot of attention. Before my daughter came along I loved seeing my step daughter and we had a lot of fun, but just recently I've dreaded her coming to visit even though the majority of time she is lovely to be around. I just find her to be a bit over bearing at times, telling me what my daughter wants and needs!! There are also times when her mother comes out in her and it's times like these I hate her being there and I know that sounds awful!!

My partner does always support me when I'm having problems and there's the occasionally attitude problem with her. But I just feel we don't have our own time as his daughter is with us every three to four days a week and I feel we don't have time as our family and he doesn't get the time with my daughter as he did with his if that makes sense?! Even writing this I feel bad but I don't know what else to do!? I'm just glad there's people out there that feel the same! So thank you for starting this thread!

It's normal but it should start changing for the better, but only if you really work at it and the kids are willing to adjust even a little to you.

I had step kids who basically never accepted me as a full member of the house. If I stayed in the background and just cooked and cleaned I was just about tolerated. But that's no way to live in your own home. But I did try, read books, took each child out on their own with me, was caring, respectful, consistent.

So you should try. Read helpful books. Be the bigger person.

But if the kids, after a year or so of you trying, still won't budge there's nothing you can do and it's not your fault.

Yeah I get that over time it should get better especially as my little girl gets bigger as they do love each other and they'll be able to play together.

God that sounds awful and you're right it's no way to live, I do try and read books, do colouring etc with her but does feel like she constantly try's to push boundaries with me but I guess that's just kids in general as I'm sure my girl will do it when she's older too!

But yeah I want to keep trying as she can be a great kid I just want the feelings to stop.
Thanks for the reply

I've just split up with my partner for this very reason (after trying living apart again first). I've promised myself never again to date a man with kids :(

Aww no, sorry to hear that!! Must be awful when you can't work through it! Can't say I haven't thought about time apart at times but then I must admit I'm scared that that's what it would lead to. Big hugs

Going out with them separately on your own and having your own one to one experiences and memories can help a lot. Going on group outings can be stressful as it is and you fail to notice their individual personalities. Maybe try to get to know them as separate people to yourself/their mum and your other half, that helped me a lot anyway.

These family set ups can be a big tangly mess and sometimes you need to unravel it all back to basics and get to know people again and build relationships from scratch.

Totally agree with qwerty - the group dynamics are not usually good for step mothers. Separating them out releases some of that. Get them while they are young and still amenable to being 'treated' to individual outings. Going out with glum resentful teenagers who do not want to be with you is less constructive...

I know this thread hasn't been commented on in a while but I'm feeling exactly like this at the moment and just feel so lost and desperate for help. As this was a while ago I wondered if you had any tips that helped you over come this?

Try not to feel the pressure to be sooo involved. It is ok to say to your partner that you are making plans with friends etc and leaving him and his child(ren) alone.

be honest with him to an extent and let him know that it is going to make you the happiest healthiest step parent you can be if you are allowed your space. His child is there to see him, so let him do the parenting and childcare.

can you give some more info on the situation. How old is his child, do you live together, how often does the child visit, do you have any children?

Thank you so much for your response. My DSS is 3 and myself and my husband have a 6 month old.

Things are unfortunately very tricky at the moment with DSS's mum as she is telling DSS awful things a couple of examples being that daddy doesn't love him and that she cries the whole time he's not with her (this is causing him to have separation anxiety from his mum, cries/screams for her if she gets out of bed). At the moment it is a battle every time he visits just to show him we actually do care and that he is safe ect. (He's then happy and would quite gladly stay longer). He's still so young and obviously needs support with transitioning between houses and ultimately he's just getting more confused and then acting out which is sad because he really is such a sweet little boy.

I’m not sure what terms your partner and his ex are on but he needs to have a non confrontational conversation with her about how they need to both remember that they should want what’s best for their son and they should both be encouraging him to be happy whilst with the other parent. she may think she’s just hurting your partner by acting like this but she’s really hurting her son.

but as I previously said, don’t feel this you have to be taking on the parental load of SS when he’s with you. Let your partner get on with it and give it some time. He will get older and more secure and hopefully this rough patch with be a thing of the past. But don’t feel like you have to spend every second together when he’s visiting. It’s ok for you to say you’re going out alone or with the baby etc.

Unfortunately they aren't on great terms. They've done mediation to which she's agreed things and then back peddled and has moved the goal posts with things constantly. Hopefully eventually they can co-parent well but at the moment anything mentioned is seen as an attack.

Like you said, I'm really hoping that she genuinely doesn't see that she's hurting her son and hopefully someone else can mention it to her and help her see it. My husband is very much considering taking a step back from his son's life, which I can see is killing him, in the hope that his mother will stop the mind games and it stops him being so hurt/confused but at the same time he obviously wants a relationship with his son.