Stepson proving very difficult

[RocketSalad]

Hope someone can help me out here?

I have 4 children - a girl 18, and three boys, 16, 13 and 11. I have been living apart from their father for ten years but we have brought the children up together (as realistically as we can) and always present a united front. I am frequently complimented on how well adjusted, confident and pleasant my kids are, not just by friends and family but by most people they come into contact with and I am very proud of them. Of course we have gone through difficult times - this is real life we are talking about - but we always deal with any issues and come out the other side smiling.

Three years ago I met a lovely man - he has just one son, a year younger than my youngest so currently 10. From when I first met him there have been problems (was determined to hate us all which is quite understandable) but have escalated since his father moved in with me 18 months ago. In short he tries any which way but loose to get attention. He has also been exposed to very negative conversations regarding his father leaving, divorce, maintenance payments, me and my children and so the list goes on. I feel so sorry for him. We know this through things he has said and some reliable mutual friends who were quite shocked. Visits are limited and rarely last more than 2 or 3 hours or so and invariably involve ferrying him to another activity such as football, he is not allowed to stay over and so on. However if his mother has plans then she will make last minute changes to suit herself which we try and fit in with as best we can to help out and in order for my partner to be able to spend more time with his son. Weekend access is limited to Sunday 10.30 -2, which includes takin ghim to play a football match in the season, and sometimes that will be denied as mum and son like to go away for weekend breaks. Requests for further/quality access are denied as she works full time and claims she doesn't see him herself. His father is devastated by what is going on and tries very hard to give him the normality he needs when he has contact with him but not a visit goes by without some issue being presented.

His attention seeking is now reaching new levels - he clears his throat every thirty seconds if not the focus, he cries crocodile tears if not getting his own way, retches if he doesn't like a certain food or faced with dog poo when walking our dog, talks very very loudly to the point of shouting, pretends to be shy in front of people sometimes and not others (even if he has met them before/repeatedly and is generally bad mannered and rude. In our house it is ignored completely or he is removed, but good behaviour is rewarded with positive attention.

His visits are often so disruptive they are also impacting on my children. I have explained that his life is not their life and we should be patient and pleasant which they have up to now.

I took him to school one morning last week - his mother dropped him off at our house at 7.30 (an out of the blue last minute request) and I walked to school with him and my dog. It is the first time I have been on my own with him really. He behaved beautifully - chatted away, no retching at dog poo in fact he never batted an eye lid, no coughing - he was a real sweetheart and the experience was a pleasure.

When he next visited i told him this and he then hung around me for a chat - very unusual. We talked about him having a good report at parents evening, what he was going to do when he got home, his aversion to bathing (made a joke), and then we got onto his headaches and coughing - all led by him. His mother has taken him to the doctors and he is having tests for asthma (!) and is keeping a headache diary. After discussing what went into the headache diary I suggested it might be an idea to also write down how he felt at the time he got a headache ie sad, stressed etc to see if a pattern formed. I also pointed out to him that he had been coughing when he was sitting in the living room with his dad and one of my boys but now he was in the kitchen talking to me (with various people in and out) that he wasn't coughing. Immediately he did the clearing throat thing but didn't repeat it. We ended talking about something nice and then he went off on his way to dad with no throat clearing involved. When Dad then took him home, I even got a hug before he went - major break through stuff as never volunteered any show of affection to me.

Next day my partner got a text from his ex asking that I was not to tell her son that his headaches and cough weren't real in future as they most certainly were. He responded by saying that of course I hadn't said that had just offered some advice about monitoring them. She replied by saying that I had definitely said something to upset him during our "private conversation". He has not taken it up with her further.

I am undecided how to proceed. I cannot decide between ex stirring or son attention seeking - he apparently went home and burst into tears but left our house in a fairly level mood. I realise I may have over stepped the mark discussing headaches and cough and regret having done so as all very touchy.

If anyone has any thoughts/advice to offer (even if it is that I am a wicked stepmother) I would be so grateful as I really do not know what to think any more! Obviously I cannot change the way my partner or his ex relate/bring up their son but what can I do to make his visits to us more bearable. He is obviously a very disturbed and confused boy and I don't want to make things any worse for him! HELP!

You are not a wicked step mother, No way. You are concerned about everyone inc your DSS and if you were a wicked step mother you woudn't care. Sounds to me as an outsider looking in that DSS has learnt (maybe sub conciously) that he gets the attention he strives by being ill. I too sometimes have natural chats with my step children and then think Oh no what if they tell their Mum and it gets blown out of all proportion, why can't their Mums see we are not evil idiots but infact another caring adult in their childs lives!?

I would just try to chat as normally as you can with him, his Mum is probarbly jealous that her Ex and your DSS can have a life without her in it and that he can confide in you. My DSS often used to chat with me in the kitchen and his Dad would jokingly say "how come he talks to you not me?" but we decided it was that I was a neutral adult and talking to me was like talking to someone without taking sides. The mother prob sat him down and questioned him when he got home, and without thinking it would cause a problem he told her about your chat. Shame for DSS I agree to be put in that position by her. I would try as best to ignore his behaviour when with you and his Dad and hope by ignoring it he decides its not worth the effort as its not getting him any extra attention anyway. Good luck.

My DSC behave differently when I'm caring for them solo too. Their behaviour is nowhere near as extreme as you've described is the case with your DSS and the general situation with the exW is more friendly - but the children can be more attention seeking, likely to use tears and shy with others when my DP is around than when we're doing things without him.

I would agree with Buttons that you're definitely not a wicked Step - you're doing the best that you can and it's hard juggling all the different wants, needs and emotions. It sounds like you had a sensible and empathetic conversation with DSS, but Mum can't see that right now. It also sounds like your DP is being supportive of you and your position - great news & a big gold star for him.

You may have reflected that you could have chosen words and actions differently - but you did your best at the time, with positive intent, and if you really have had a major breakthrough with the relationship with DSS as a result then hopefully lots of good will come of it. Good luck.

It sounds to me that his contact with his father is not what it could be for a child his age. A day or half day at a weekend and no overnights - if I read the post correctly. And when there is contact it comprises dad taking son to a prearranged activity. So they have no real time together.
Perhaps both of them would benefit by having more time together that's not filled with other activites and posibly just the 2 of them some of that time.

Thanks everyone for your supportive responses :-)

Buttons, - yes aware that the whole illness thing is a subconscious attention grabber and of course it is being fed with visits to doctor, tests and diaries etc. That is why I suggested writing down in his diary how he felt at the time a headache or whatever developed as deduced that a pattern would inevitably form that he might see :-)

Ex is hugely competitive over things like social status, appearance, money, class, level of education - well if you look at life like that there is always going to be someone who makes you feel crap. She has been very obvious in her envy of me and my family - it has even quite noticeably extended to my children and sadly very publicly. Unfortunately we live in the same village where I am quite a prominent figure so I am a constant thorn in her side - it doesn't help but can't be helped either

I think some attention seeking behaviour is perfectly normal when DP is there, Macadoodledoo, especially when having to "compete" with other children. It is interesting that it goes when the party to whom it is directed is removed. This is a whole new thing to DP as before he and I met, there was only ever one child to give the attention to so the behaviours were not so extreme. He is very supportive of me and really wants to do the right thing by his son therefore often feels torn and understandably sad.

Welshdeb, I totally agree with you - my boys visit their father every weekend for at least 24 hours and one of them, sometimes two, go one night in the week. Plus they go on holiday with him at least once a year and sometimes to work with him in the school holidays. I don't understand the mother that stands in the way of a child's relationship with their father esp boy. He needs that man time! DSS has been exposed to so much am dram with regard to his father "deserting" him plus lots of "pinky secrets" (?) and so much guilt laid on him to not come here, that to start waging a war (and it would be a war) for more access would just make things worse. Slowly gently over time and he will see that it is not all the way he has been told and hopefully will want to come and spend more time. DP does make sure that they do one quality activity together once a week (even if it is a short one) and I know DSS really enjoys that time.

As it stands at the minute we will keep up with ignoring the bad and praising the good as far as we can. Although I will be rather more careful in future about what advice I offer.

Thanks once again everyone :-)

Your message has been on my mind since I read it yesterday and I joined Mumsnet this morning so that I would be able to reply.
Please run. Run from this man, run from his son and most of all run from the mad bio mother. You sound like a sensible, logical, reasonable woman and being involved with this man will drag you and your children down. You may end up on anti-depressants and unable to cope even with your own children, yes, step-parenting when circumstances are as you have outlined, can do that to you. Remember, as long as this man is in your life, so will his son be, and so will the mad woman that he had a child with! She will forever be a third party in your relationship with this man and I see no good coming of it. Your very sensible approach led to trouble once and you can expect more trouble, with a capital T, for at least the next 20 years or so, if not the rest of your life. Your family will include all of them - mad bio mum included - and she can and will affect pretty much every aspect of your family life. Don't do it to your own children!
The thing with step-parenting is usually one of two scenarios. Either you shut-up and endlessly bite your tongue when you witness the madness going on, even under your own roof. Or you say something sensible and helpful and proper only to have it twisted and manipulated until you literally end up screaming in frustration. Either option can drive you crazy.
Please just go back to dating this man if you must, but my advice would be to leave well alone. He is also responsible for the behaviour of the son, and does not come out of all this blame-free either.

Oh, and if you feel compassion for this man and his son - please still leave and consider getting a job in social care instead. That way at least you can shut your own front door and leave it all behind. You can't do that as long as you are involved with this man and his family/ex-family.

Tryingnottoswear, I don't allow anyone to bring us down or stand in the way of my children's happiness and well being. I always address any issues as they come up then they are not insurmountable. Should we reach a point where DSS causes major issues then quite simply he will no longer come to our home. DP is aware of this and contingency plans are in place should we need them.

Mad bio mum as you call her is well managed - she does not have the home number and is not one for face to face confrontation (leastways not with me). We all have a measure of what kind of a person she is therefore negating any need to discuss her game play further under this roof. There is not really any other way she can create mischief as all doors closed. What she chooses to do to her son is entirely her business - best of luck to her. Of course I feel for him but there is little I can do therefore shut it out. She is shooting herself in the foot ultimately - time will prove it.

DP is aware that he is responsible for his son's behaviour too and of course realises he is not without blame but he is without a doubt doing the best he can. We know that he is being played but it is either that or he doesn't see his son at all. What would you choose?

I love my partner - it is not about compassion. His son will grow up and realise the truth and his ex will reap what she has sown!

I wanted to update this given it hasbeen nearly a year since I posted.

mjinhiding something in your post struck a chord with me - expecting a child to effectively make the decision to defy the parent they live with is unfair and unreasonable and I have kept this in mind in further dealings with my DSS. I also shared it with my DP.

Here is the current status quo. DSS now rarely visits. DP has settled for regular but brief visits where he takes DSS to play golf, go swimming or play football. Bear in mind we live in the same village and DSS attends same school as my youngest DS, DSS frequently ignores us. We still all wave and/or say hello just the same.

He came here on Xmas day for an hour to open his presents. DP had obviously bought him presents but he always receives a present from me and my children. He had nothing to give to anyone else, not even a card. Not that we were bothered for us but he must have felt a bit odd about it? Sad isn't it? Justone example of many but I feel his parents are really letting him down.

But here is my biggest concern. He goes home from school alone - quite a walk too, maybe a mile - to an empty house. His mum comes home at 5.30 so on his own for 2 hours. However I see him go by most days and he is always the first school child to go by and he is always running and takes unneccessary risks on the roads. It worried me a little - obviously the risks but what does he have to hurry home to? I mentioned it to DP and his immediate reaction was to ask his mother to check his internet history. Ok I clearly dont have a man's mind! It transpires his (own) personal computer has no parental settings/blocks on it as "he can't get on to his favourite sports site if I do that". She is very computer literate so bollocks quite frankly! DP is not allowed access to the laptop (although he bought if for DSS for birthday) and has got his knickers knotted that his son is now scurrying home to look at porn on the internet. What are mumsnetters thoughts on this? I think he is hurrying home for something - not sure it is porn but don't like the no parental settings idea?

I suspect he is rushing home because he is simply happy to be out of school. He might be rushing home to watch something good on TV or to play a computer game. I don't think it's a big deal although the taking risks on the road, obviously is.

As for the throat clearing etc, I suspect he is nervous and uncomfortable around you and your children, not to say that you are doing anything to make him feel like that, but he is an only child who has gone from quiet contact with his Dad to now being 1 of 7 in a home he is not allowed to stay in or be part of in any real sense. I suspect he doesn't know how to gain any real sort of positive attention when there are so many of you and as such is having to learn from scratch at 10 yrs old (whereas yours have learnt at a much younger age to fit in with other people). I speak as a mother to a DS and step mum to 4 who live with us 3 nights a wk.

Your partner should have arranged a Xmas present from him to you and your children. DP arranges it for DS and DSC to get me something but I know DSC have no input apart from when they see the gift tag when they give the gift to me. Personally I would prefer a nice card they had made. I also make sure that they get DP something too.

As for parental controls, the one's I have seen pretty much render the computer useless as they block almost everything. Personally, I would only allow a 10 yr old to use a computer under supervision but would be happy to not have parental controls on it. My 7 yr old DSD does exactly this.

Hello red hen and thanks for posting.

I have no idea whether or not he is still throat clearing as he has not been to our house for a visit since Christmas Day. I always ask my DP how he is whenever he has seen him but he doesn't go into detail.

I guess I just feel uncomfortable him being on his own for 2 hours every night. I was fortunate enough to have mum or granny at home as a child and, as I work from home, my children always have me.

I didn't really consider he was dashing off to look at porn either - that must be what DP does when the house is empty - however I think the fact he has access to the internet unsupervised is a worry. I don't have parental controls etc however everything is supervised here.

I think there should be some kind of token for Christmas/Birthday. As you say a home made card/something is great.

Nothing I can do really, I just try and lead by example.

Picked DS from school this afternoon and we see DSS runs off across a busy crowded car park (buses, primary school mums already driving out). Crosses the road missing the zebra crossing (still running).

DSS has to cross major main road junction (crossroads - traffic lights, 2 x pedestrian crossings - one lollipop man) to get home (as does my DS when walking). Waiting at traffic lights in the car, we see DSS run across the middle of the junction across bus station and right past our car on the way back towards school. He clocks us, looks guilty and sticks his nose in the air and makes like he hasn't seen us, which he clearly has.

He has already been taken to task by my DP and his ex over not crossing sensibly (it is usually me that sees him but he doesn't know that) and is under threat of having his walking home privileges taken from him although both DP and I know this threat will not be carried out as there are no alternatives (unless he came here - yeah right).

DP and his ex have both remonstrated with DSS over this (clearly he is not taking any notice). He will be waiting the bollocking tonight as he sees my DP (haven't told him yet because he will dive straight in and tell him off).

Think this needs different approach. Fresh ideas anyone?

I would just like to say be careful on dismissing the throat clearing thing as attention seeking. The fact he only does it in certain circumstances i.e. as you say when he's not getting attention - does not rule out asthma as it can be very much stress related so rightly or wrongly if he finds not getting attenion stressful then it could still be a sign of asthma.

The reason I say this is because my son - now grown up - was only diagnosed at 6yrs old with asthma although the medical people believed he'd always had it - after having a serious attack and went on to have about 3 or 4 a year that were life threatening and required hospitalisation. It does - touch wood - seem to be under control now as an adult although I doubt it will ever go completely.

The only thing I had ever noticed unusual about him was that he did that throat clearing thing - a little sort of 'uh huh uhhuh' (sorry difficult to write down but sure you know what I mean) from being about 2yrs old and I always put it down to just being a mannerism of his or as you say just a liitle noise he made to attract our attention or even a 'put on ' cough to avoid school when he was older. Never did it cross my mind it might be to do with struggling to breathe but thats what it turned out to be and as soon as he got on his medication/inhalers it stopped. I felt awful as you can imagine and really could have even endangered him by not taking it seriously earlier but it did sound so affected and deliberate.

Just a thought.

Tryingnottoswear - I think your post was inappropriate and your advice most unhelpful. You clearly misread the situation with the OP and her DP, although you do say quite rightly that the OP sounds like a very reasonable person which she certainly does. I suggest you take more care over posts. This OP is sensible enough not to take notice of your advice but others may not.