Should I expect my DH to be a father-figure to my 15 year old step-son?

[ziopin]

Hi, Its a bit on a long post, sorry!

I met my husband 10 years ago, when my ds was only five. We have another two children (7 & 5) now too. His relationship with my son (his step son) has never really been defined, but now I want it to be.

My son is a typical 15 year old, but can be loving and generous, makes dinner once a week, make cups of tea when I come home from work, and I must admit I dont find much fault in him

My husband never gives him any praise or says anything positive, just constantly picks him up over towels on floor, not eating his veg, losing his coat that type of thing.

This evening we've had a bit of a row about this, about me being good cop and he being bad all the time, he replied 'well what do you expect I'm not his father! of course I'm not going to treat him in the same way as I treat the other two!

I've asked him if he could not fulfil that step-dad role could he perhaps fill the 'friend' role, he cant do that either as he's not 15!

He then had the cheek to say maybe I should have a look on the internet to see what the role of a step-father is! I replied I already know, maybe he needs to do that!

Am I being unreasonable here, please help

Hi ziopin I'm not a step mum or step child so what do I know but I stumbled onto this thread! I wonder what your son feels about the relationship, is he happy with it, what would improve it for him? If your husband does not see himself as a father-figure or friend-figure to your son, what does he see himself as? If he is a 'typical' man, he may not have even thought about it! I also wonder if your son's biological dad is on the scene or not. If he is then my guess (just a guess) is that your husband may not want to compete. Anyway, I guess what I am saying is that there are a whole lot of people in the family situation and it may be that your hubby and son are happy as things are, or it may not!

As someone who is the 'bad' cop in our family while my dh is the 'good' cop to our dd, I do understand how it can feel to be the one who needs to enforce the rules!

I hope you find your answers.

I remarried when my dd was 13 and ds was 17 my dsc were 18,16,and 15.My dh1 was dead dh's ex was with a younger man and had a new baby.We have no dc together.My dh has fulfilled a father role with dd but not ds who made it clear that he didn't want another dad.He did accept oh as an adult friend and 22 years on all are loving friends except for dsd who has rejected all of us and is very jealous of her dad's relationship with my dd.The important thing is that both dh and I have done all we can to show all dc that we both love them and treat them all equally.Frankly I think your dh is behaving appallingly badly if your son is aware of the difference in treatment.

I'm a stepmother to two teenage boys.

IMVHO, it is crucial to develop a positive relationship with stepchildren for the whole family to function and the best way of doing this is by contributing something to their lives that their parents cannot. In my case, I can contribute the English language and the type of independent thinking skills that a good English education develops, plus a real desire and ability to identify and enact educational opportunities for them. My DSSs are very appreciative and we get on very well indeed.

What skills does your DH have that he could usefully use to develop a positive relationship with your DS?