Handling the questions/discussions

[Fmarf]

Hi,
I'm looking for other people's insight on this - it's not an uncommon issue I'm sure but I sometimes struggle to know what to do so I'm asking you lot :-)It may sound really stupid to a lot of people and possibly simple to many others but for me - well - I find it a little tricky so please bear with me.
I split from the biological father of my two children (4 and 5) in 2008 and got married in 2009 to a man I'd known and respected for about 15 years. My ex was, sorry to say, a bit of a rubbish Dad as he just didn't make time for the kids or me - he was more interested in his own personal hobbies and friends. He also had some personal 'habits' that sometimes made his behaviour a little erratic - it really was the best thing that we split! My DH, by contrast, is a great Dad, spends time with the girls, is involved on every level and our home life is really lovely - we're very lucky.
We live about 150 miles from my ex and, despite promises of monthly contact, he is failing to 'step-up' as a parent. He never contacts the children by phone and only manages to see them about once every two months. He never asks about how they're doing at school or nursery, doesn't ask about their health and general well-being - just shows no interest.
I know that I can't make him do these things either.
What I find difficult is when one or other of the children talks about him. THis doesn't happen very often, admittedly, but when it does I'm a bit stumped. I fully understand that my view on things is vastly different to theirs and I am careful not to say anything to them or in front of them to taint their view of him. But it feels so awkward! The youngest one today was talking about my ex and saying how wonderful he is - but she only lived with him till she was two and a half and has only had sporadic contact with him since. Obviously she is not trying to make me feel awkward but I just don't understand it and, so, don't really feel confident about handling it.
Has anyone else had experience of this kind of situation and any advice?

Well, I left my ex husband when DS was 4 years old. Ex had never really bothered with him, shown him any interest or been involved in anything to do with DS up to this point. Nothing changed when we split, even though he initially said he wanted joint custody.

DS went from being indifferent towards his Dad, to saying things like he wanted to live with him (when I told him off for something). I remember feeling so much injustice at the time. DS is now 12 years old and sees his Dad for a few hours a fortnight - his Dad's choice and he only lives half a mile away!

DS is quite indifferent about his Dad but I have done everything possible to maintain contact as I fear without contact DS may put his Dad on some sort of pedestal and dream that his Dad is something he is not.

I would say to you to put your feelings aside (as hard as it is) but don't allow the children to pretend their Dad is something he is not. Keep to the facts and not your feelings. In time they will work things out for themselves, but I grant you that it is very frustrating while you are waiting. I do think that kids who don't get the emotional bonding from one parent will try even harder to please them and say lovely things about them because deep down they dont' feel confident about that parents love. I suspect they are completely comfortable with you and your partner and don't need to fabricate the truth to make themselves feel better.

Sorry not much help, but I feel exactly the same as you when my young children talk about their dad. Unfortunately they only see the nice side of him and barely remember the hell we went through when he left us for OW! I can't bear his name mentioned when they are with me, but will always be civil about him and then quickly change the subject and get them to focus on something else.

I feel bitter and angry at the thought of him but certainly wouldn't want the children to feel the pain I still feel, so in a way glad they see him in a different light.

The only plus point would be the thought of it the other way round - I'm sure they must get irritated by the sound of 'mummy and new daddy!

Wise words indeed - thank you both :-)
I hadn't actually thought of it as trying to reassure themselves of ex's love for them and I hadn't thought about them trying harder with him either.
And, yes, I don't want them to put the ex on a pedastal - he really doesn't deserve it. Sadly it is what happened to me when I was a child so I feel a touch cautious about the whole situation. There's lots of differences to my own childhood scenario tho so we should all be ok.
I will continue on the path of not saying negative stuff about the ex in front of the kids and making sure they are growing up happy and secure. Thanks for the input.
ANy other contributions also welcome!
:-)