Anyone........

[talie101]

met the ex partner and actually found them to be pretty ok people and NOT the person the present husband/wife portrays them to be?

Just curious because when you read the threads the 'ex' is always a psycho/trouble causer etc! I know my exh portrays me to be this way to his new wife as she (on the rare occasions we do actually text one another) uses the same words to me as he does - eg 'you're mad!' etc.

Funny thing is, I've asked her to meet me several times to get to know me as a person and see I'm not the person he portrays - but she refuses! Guess I must be too horrendous to meet! - or perhaps the fact she's the OW?! lol

I've met the ex & she's been generally kind and accommodating to me. I don't think we'll ever be the best of buddies because we're quite different people, but I'm fairly happy engaging with handover of the kids on a solo basis if it's necessary...now, but the early days and first couple of times meeting were difficult for everyone involved. We got through the most difficult emotions with civillity and she has reserved any animosity for her ex (my DP) and not transferred that to me - and for that I'm grateful.

Although ours may be a very different situation because I must give credit that DP never rages against her (calling her mad etc), but seems to be honest about the reasons why their marriage wasn't working & why they ultimately split.

The most difficult thing I found (as the new partner and step-parent) was the 'inspection' of my home when the children started to stay overnight. I accept that it was a necessary visit so that she could picture the environment that they were spending time in, and feel comfortable with it, but I really struggled with the 'invasion' of my space and home by someone who didn't particularly like me. The feeling of being judged in that way was very difficult.

Is your situation linked to fear? It would have been a whole heap 'easier' for me to avoid all contact with the ex - but that would not have been a good long term strategy for me, DP or, most importantly the children. Hell - it has been emotional and difficult though.

I'm a few years down the line and still not at a point I want to befriend her so it took a lot for me to offer to meet up! I wish she had agreed because maybe I would have gotten over the 'hurt' I still feel much quicker and also the need to mentally block her out of my life (find it hard when she is outside my house as it feels like she is invading my space - and I can sense how uncomfortable she feels being face to face too - her guilt maybe?) - things would surely be better for everyone concerned if we met and she had made up her own mind about me?

I do believe that because my ex paints a black picture of me to her (which I can only think is from the 'guilt' he still feels and needs to justify) - he himself has made this situation much worse than it actually needs to be.

I'm happy the way things are - I leave them alone (I think she should be pleased as I could be the ex from hell as she split my family up) and they mostly leave me alone apart from when he has his moments, but the tension could be significantly reduced if everyone got along at least on speaking terms for the children's sake. (Long story but hit or miss with him and believe made worse by her because she is insecure and doesn't trust him now - because of his own actions!)

I don't doubt for a moment she's a great stepmum (dc's have so far never complained) and guess I have to trust my exh's judgement but it feels like they go to a stranger as I know nothing about her, which makes things very difficult for me.

Oh well, given time it may improve.......???

I suppose it works both ways really. On the majority of threads by single, parents with care, the ex is normally evil, a rubbish parent, a psycho, lazy, manipulative etc etc. Some probably are exaggerating.

I've been able to make my own mind up about my H's daughter's Mother as I speak to her at pick ups/drop offs etc. Our situation is a bit backwards in that she was the OW so she probably feels a bit guilty when face to face with me, but fortunately we are in a position where everyone "gets on".

If the ex and his new partner wont be amicable, there's nothing you can do about it really but try and limit the amount of animosity that is within your power and leave them to it.

She might be a stranger to you, but all you can think about is she isn't to your ex or the children.