explaing to my son and daughter about a step daughter?

[xkatyx]

Hello, my husband has a 10 year old daughter who he hasnt been able to have contact with in years.

Finally my husbands ex has decided he can have acsess, the only problem is our 7 year old son and 3 year old daughter dont know anything about her and i am really dont know how to approach the subject please any advice would be welcome.

also my children have recently lost the grandad and are very sensitive at the moment exspecially my little boy who is a very sensitive child anyway so any advice on how to handle this if someone has been in similar exsperience would be great.

Haven't been in this boat but my gut instinct is to play it as honestly and positively as you can.

E.g. (fill in blanks) We have some exciting lovely news. A long long time ago, before daddy met mummy ... he had another girlfriend ... had a little girl called xxx. But daddy wasn't allowed to see xxx ... daddy was very sad ... now very happy as he's going to see xxx ... hope you can meet her too...didn't want to tell you until we knew definitely that daddy could meet her. We're very happy.

Basically truthful but for now glossing over the most painful parts and concentrating on the happy.

Thank you slambang that is very helpful, seams that honesty is the best awnswer.

I've not been in your position, I was in your children's position, and my dad has a son from a previous marriage. They told me about his existence when I was 19.

They had their reasons for not telling me, but I would have loved to have known about him sooner, so it's great that you have the opportunity to tell them while they're still young and can develop a longer relationship with their sister.

I think Slambang's advice sounds spot on, and I would have loved to have heard something similar much earlier than I did so go for it!

I think we may of come to abit of luck with his Ex, we have come to an private agreement, BUT she said she in not cancelling the CSA she will keep it on hold, basically a threat if DH doesnt do what she wants. can she do this?

I found out through another relative when I was thirty that I have 2 half siblings. If I dwell on it I still feel angry that this was a secret known by every single family member (about 30 people) except me and my brother. Honesty much better, and yes play it positively.

oh thats horrible crumpet, i also have 1 steps sister and 1 step brother and i dont actually rember being told. thank u all for advice im really nervous

Yes Katy, she can keep the CSA case open but on hold.

I would write to them asking for written confirmation that the PWC (partner's ex) has requested the CSA case to be put on hold and that arrears are not accruing.

People have been told in the past that a case is on hold but for a number of reasons, ie. the PWC not actually asking it to be put on hold or through CSA error, the case was left open and they were subsequently forced to pay arrears even though they had already paid the PWC direct. Because if the PWC is particularly vindictive, all he/she has to say is "No the NRP (your partner) hasn't paid me anything" and the CSA will take their word for it, demanding the NRP pays again.

I'd just get some confirmation in writing.

Oh no i didnt know that i will get myDP on to that one, we are going to keep all informnation that we are putting miney inher account every month.

Definitely document it. It's a tricky subject. Unless the payments made every month are specifically marked "CHILD MAINTENANCE FOR (NAME OF THE CHILD)" then the CSA will assume any payments made are "gifts".

oh no, its actually going into the childs bank account but we wont start doing it untill we have it in writting that it is on hold now, so thank you for that.

As it's going straight to the child, rather than via the mother, the CSA can still (maybe more so) assume it is a gift. If you're setting up a standing order into the account, then make sure you label it as Child Maintenance.

can you do that with the bank?

Yeah, I did it through Online Banking. I set up a standing order with the bank details of the child and called it "CHILD MAINTENANCE FOR XXXXXX"

I would imagine if you don't have online banking it would just be a case of going into your branch or doing it over the phone and asking them to label it as you want. x

brilliant thank you sooo much