Advice needed - from step mum to full time mum

[milly987]

Hi, sorry I am new here and I don't know all the abbreviations so I'm writing this long hand.

I've been with my boyfriend nearly 3 years - he has 2 children from a prev. relationship - boy aged 7 and girl aged 6. His ex also has a son by someone else, aged 11.

Since I have been with him I have been step mum to his two, and a sort of friend to his step son. The youngest two come to stay with us from Friday afternoon to Monday morning every week, and sometimes a night midweek if we can (but my partner works shifts so not always feasible).

We live about 20 mins drive from the kids, so we are moving (now that finances allow) to the same area, we'll be about 5 mins walk now which we did so we could see them more often and be more flexible about it (they can come for tea but not have to stay, or decide late on that they want to come over).

It's always been really amicable between my partner and his ex, he pays the mortgage on her house and contributes money every month, also pays her car finance sometimes if she needs help. She and I get on well enough, not best friends obviously, but all been okay.

The issue we have is that his seven yo son has decided he wants to come and live with us full time. He's always said he prefers to be with us than at home (doesn't seem to be an underlying problem and we don't spoil him, just always been a daddy's boy and think he enjoys that we do more things together than with his mum (who watches TV non-stop in the evenings, where we play games and talk and read).

I don't have an issue if he does come to live with us, in terms of my relationship with him, but I feel bad that it would be splitting the kids up. His mum has said if it will make him happy she will agree.

The only problem I can see, is that due to his age he doesn't really understand that his dad works shifts - 6am-2pm one week, and 2pm-10pm the next. So I don't think he knows that every other week it would just be me and him in the house - when they come midweek it's always when their dad is on a 6-2 so he picks them up from school and I take them the following morning.

So without wanting to put him off, or sound like I don't want him to live with us, how do I tell him that he really won't see that much more of his dad??

Also - I am not sure how I will feel going from a weekend step-mum to a full time mum who is on her own a LOT with him? I don't want this to be something that ruins my relationship with my stepson (all the kids are so important to me) but also, what if I end up resenting him for turning me into a single mum 2 weeks a month?

Also - does anyone think this would sour the relationship with my step daughter? She's never expressed a wish to come and live with us, but I don't want her to think that we chose her brother over her, or that we wouldn't also want her if that was what she wanted?

So confused, so stressed!!

All my partner can do is follow what his son wants, I understand that, but would it be unreasonable to suggest that maybe he stays at home until my partner can find a job that's more 9-5? Or that he lives one week with us and the other with his mum?

Please help!!

Thanks, and sorry it was so long!

Gosh, sounds very tricky. With lots of opportunities for hurt feelings all round.

Think your partner does have to sit his boy down and make it very clear that he is just not around every other week, it will be you and him. (How much time would the son spend with his mum, btw? How much time would he have with his sister - there's a risk they would be like revolving doors, one with you while the other is away and vice versa?)

You also have to think about how you'd cope being the primary carer for a 7yo at least half the time. It's a big jump from being a step-mum at weekends when your partner is around.

And obviously talk to your step-daughter about her feelings. Blimey!

Are you positive the son (DS) wouldn't understand the whole shift thing? Has anyone sat down with him and a calendar and spelt it out - maybe colouring in days that Dad is home, then days that he'll be at work so he gets some sort of visual idea of how it will be?

Your concerns are all very valid - and you sound like a lovely stepmum. It is an awful lot for you to take on, and you're right to want to tread carefully and make sure everything has been thought about before you go ahead. Getting the son to understand how it will be in reality should help. And then maybe suggest a trial run - a couple of months, say - to see how it goes?

And welcome to Mumsnet - here are the acronyms.

Thanks @edam and @Hassled. It's nice to get some feedback!

I'm only 26 so the idea of being a full time mum to a 7 year old is a bit daunting. My partner says I'm so good with him that it won't be an issue - haha!

I've tried to explain about his dad's shifts, but I think he just sees living with his dad as better than not, if that makes sense. Trying it short term might be a good idea, just as long as his mum agrees. But then if it isn't working for me, will that not be a big rejection for him?

I think we would still see his daughter from Fri-Mon, although probably a bit more mid week on the week's my partner is home. Not much change for her really.

With regards to how often his son will see his mum...no idea. It's strange really, he loves his mum, no question, but he doesn't seem that fussed about spending time with her. I don't know why, but when we've asked him about going back to her if he does live with us, he says he could go back for tea now and again, but no real idea that it would be regular. I don't want her to ever feel that I am taking her son away...such a minefield!

Will come back and see what advice others can give, would be interested to know if anyone has ever made this transition. None of my friends have been in this situation, most are still single and childfree at our age!

Thanks again, and thanks for the welcome (will start revising the acronyms!) x

Hi there

I am a stepmum to a 9 year old and my DH and I also have a baby together. My step daughter is with us every other weekend and 1 day in the week plus half the holidays.

I often look after my step daughter on my own when she is with us in the week as my DH works away alot. I find the whole thing very tiring - not helped by having a small baby also! The whole school run thing drives me bonkers (she has to be driven to school and picked up) and then there is the cooking a decent meal (not the fish fingers I have when DH is away!) and sorting out homework etc etc.

In many respects it is great that I have such a good relationship with my SD that she wants to be here even when her dad is away but I definitely don't think I could do what you are suggesting. When you have your own children you sort of get a "ramp up" to the level of care. With an immeadiate family you are thrown straight into it. I had no idea how many bloody snacks children want when they get in from school!

Basically, being a single parent (either genuine or because of working patterns) is really hard work. Sorry to sound a bit negative but I would really advise you to think about the practicalities of looking after your stepson when your DH is working. It might be better off having your DSS to stay only when your DH has the morning shift - then you can share the parenting rather than the burden being on you alone. Being a step parent is hard enough without you becoming a single parent half of the time too!