Merging two families... bit nervous...!

[UC]

I have been very happily with DP for 15 months, and we're buying a house together at the moment. We both have 2 DSs from our marriages. All boys, 9, 6 (his), 5 and 3 (mine).

I would really love to hear tips on how to make it work. I realise it won't always be easy, but want to try and ease it for everyone as much as possible.

Since we met, we have gradually introduced them all to eachother - when we first met we didn't meet eachother's children for a couple of months, then introduced them to eachother, then gradually to eachother's children, by "bumping into" eachother in the swimming pool/park. We progressed onto making open plans to meet, and now we spend a lot of time together but don't stay over for the night - neither of us has enough space!

We only looked for houses with enough space for a bedroom each (although DP and I will share !), and a "family room" as well as lounge. Trying to make sure that there is enough space for everyone, and that everyone can have a little space that is private for them. This is on the basis that, although they are young now, they will only grow up and get bigger.... We will have my children 70%, and DP's 50% of the time, and mostly all together, although we will have mine on their own sometimes. We have agreed that we will both make sure that we still spend time with our own children on our own, and also as a whole family unit.

I can see already that there will be hiccups - eg I can already see that my DS1 is desperate to be "in" with DP's DSs, as they are older and he looks up to them, wants to be like them. But he struggles to break in, as they are brothers, are used to eachother, and I can see my DS getting frustrated and feeling a little left out at times. We have talked about it, and I just hope these are the things that get easier over time as they all get more used to eachother and spend more time together. But not sure how I can help both my DS, and his DSs, who may also feel frustrated at the younger soon to be sibling trying to join in all the time.

Anyone got any top tips, or even a recommedation of a useful book I could read for ideas on how to make the transition as easy as possible for everyone (including DP and me!)?

Sorry, this became quite long...

Thanks!

It sounds as though you are doing the right thing.
re the youngest child I think he has to understand that the older ones have their own friends and are older and won't necessarily want to play with him.
I wouldn't try forcing the older 2 to play with him, that will cause problems and resentment.
The stepsibling bond takes longer to develop, but also even with full siblings older ones don't want to have little ones hanging around alot of the time. Sadly younger kids are usually keener to play with older kids than the older ones are to play with them.
Don't push the "we are now a family" thing and allow bonds to develop naturally encouraging the younger kid to still play with his own friends.

thanks 2rebecca. I think the step sibling relationships are going to be interesting...!

It sounds as if you have put a lot of thought into how everyone will have their own personal space and boundaries in your new blended family. IMO, that is the absolutely key issue in getting a family to blend successfully - high awareness of personal space, and constant monitoring that each person is getting the space and parental/child time he/she needs.

Well done for being so self-aware . I'm sure you'll all do fine!

Hi UC. No great advice, just wanted to say it sounds like you are both doing a wonderful job of handling everything really sensitively. Agree with 2rebecca about not pushing the family thing as the bonds do take time to form and you don't want the kids to feel that they have to pretend to be one big happy family all the time or you & your DP will be disappointed in them.
My DP (together for 2yrs) has 2 kids and so do I, aged 12, 10 (his), 9 and 6 (mine). The spacing works well and as an added bonus the middle two (both girls) get on great. We don't all live together at the mo as circumstances complicated, but maybe one day we will. Fingers crossed! Good luck with your move, hope everything goes smoothly.