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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

WWYD? DSS appears not to want to see us (v long post!)

26 replies

benfmsmum · 28/01/2010 18:34

I say "appears" as his mum says he doesn't want to come but we think that isn't really the truth!

A bit of background: DSS is 10yo, he has aspergers. He is the youngest of 4 children my dp has with his exw. (The oldest never wanted anything to do with her dad nor me from the word go! The other two are at uni and college and we see them probably once a week.) DP has a court order that says he should see DSS every other weekend with an overnight stay once a month.

DSS used to come to ours in the beginning and was fine. He rarely stayed over though which we believed was what he wanted. When our ds was born (4 years ago) DSS said he didn't want to come more and more often. Eventually he said it was because DS made a mess while he ate!! I can understand that, as daft as it may sound to some, as my ds has ASD and some things just really annoy/upset them. Anyway, that particular issue should be over now as ds eats as tidily as all 4 yo's!!!

DSS started to come out with us a bit more during last summer and one day I was talking to him in the park (whilst DP was queueing for icecream) and said that it was nice for DSS to be out with us as we enjoyed his company and missed him when he wasn't with us. DSS replied by saying "really?? oh well I'll come more often then!" That made us think even more that dss wanted to come but was being influenced not to.

I haven't seen dss since October last year and dp hasn't seen him since his New Years Day.

What can we do?? I am starting to think that dp should tell dss and exw that he is coming to pick dss up at xo'clock on Saturday morning and if dss doesn't want to stay out with us we will take him home, but this will allow us to try and talk to him away from his mother to see whether he really doesn't want to come or if there is another reason. DSS has said in the past that he "wants to take things slowly" - is that really a 10yo (or 9 when he actually said it) way of thinking??

Thanks for reading this very long post if you've got this far!! WWYD??

OP posts:

aSilverLining · 28/01/2010 18:43

I'm assuming the dates of the weekends DSS is meant to come are set dates? If so then surely it would just be a case of arranging what time he wants picking up or will be dropped off??

Why did the eldest want nothing to do with their dad? Just curious as to what family dynamics are. Was the court order for access decided as access was being blocked or simply as part of seperation process?

I think at this age they do tend to cool off a little, asserting their independence, wanting to do their own thing, etc. My two step sons in my previous relationship both did this at the same age and then came back round to seeing their dad regularly again, kind of a phase they both had at the same age IYSWIM. Not sure if other parents or step parents have found the same.

Original poster

benfmsmum · 28/01/2010 18:49

Time and dates are arranged, it should just be a case of going to get him I agree, but we get a text the night before or an hour before to say "he doesn't want to come"

The court order was part of the separation.

I agree that there is a time where children cool off as you say, it happened with the 2 that now come to see us but this has been going on for almost 4 years, he has never gotten into a routine of such about coming out with us or even jsut with his dad.

The oldest was very upset about the split and sided with her mum instead of her dad. She was old enough to make up her own mind and so we had to respect that.

OP posts:

Original poster

benfmsmum · 28/01/2010 19:11

So, should we back off and risk not seeing him again as there would be no relationship between him and his father (let alone with me and his sb) or demand that he comes out with us and try to talk to him and find out how he really feels?

OP posts:

aSilverLining · 28/01/2010 19:14

Is it something your DP can talk about with his mum or do they not get on enough for that? My DS often says he doesn't want to go to his dads but I know he enjoys it when he does go so I support their relationship and encourage him to go. Is this something that could be discussed do you think?

Could dad call him and ask him to just come for tea/ the afternoon/ or something like that with no pressure for him to stay longer once he is there? This would be a compromise wouldn't it.

aSilverLining · 28/01/2010 19:15

obv in first sentence I am referring to your step son's mum not your MIL

Original poster

benfmsmum · 28/01/2010 19:20

The whole problem I think stems from the mother saying dss doesn't want to come cos she wants him to stay with her and not see his dad although she says otherwise, so no talking to her does not work.

I think you've confirmed part of my thoughts in that you encourage your ds to go which I would think was the right thing to do.

No talking to my MIL wouldn't work either!!!

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 28/01/2010 19:24

The court order was part of the separation??? How??

Original poster

benfmsmum · 28/01/2010 19:27

ILoveTIFFANY - the court order ran alongside the divorce but was actually agreed and signed after the divorce.

OP posts:

aSilverLining · 28/01/2010 19:29

I think if I was his dad I would ask him why he doesn't want to come, and ask him if he could compromise and come for a short time, explain the time frame and what you will all do during that time, and that I would just like to see him but that I didn't want him to feel pressured. My DS also on the high function end of the spectrum and likes to know what's what. feels reassured by it.

I think it is just about Dad being there, sticking at it and making sure DSS knows your door is always open, he is always welcome and that he will have a nice time when he does visit.

Good luck. I know first hand how heartbreaking and frustrating it feels. As the oler two are coming to see you regularly as young adults you and their dad can't be doing that badly.

Original poster

benfmsmum · 28/01/2010 19:33

Thanks Silver!! I'd like to think we were OK with them!! Incidently the older two are appalled at their mother doing the things she does.

I think we'll stick at it as dss will always be dp's son whatever happens but as you say the rejection every fortnight is very hard on dp

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 28/01/2010 19:34

I don't understand that. Court orders are to enforce contact dealt with separately to divorce. And signed?only person to sign would be a judge.

It's a court order? Not a 'statement of arrangements'?

Original poster

benfmsmum · 28/01/2010 19:40

As I said it runs along side the divorce. Was agreed at the same time roughly. The court order states when, for how long etc the contact was agreed for. And maybe the judge was the only person to sign it but nevertheless was agreed by all to adhere to it.

OP posts:

CarGirl · 28/01/2010 19:45

I think you can reply to the text saying "thanks for the warning that at the moment he doesn't want to come but I shall be there at x time to collect him and will take it from there"

Original poster

benfmsmum · 28/01/2010 19:50

Good call CarGirl - I like that!!! A much less confrontational reply than - well I'm coming anyway!

OP posts:

CarGirl · 28/01/2010 19:59

Someone may think up an even better one.

Acknowledging his feelings, stating that Dad will be there regardless, making it clear that you will not force him to go.

It is quite likely that the night before he his anxious and doesn't want to shift into time with Dad even though he does like it. It's also possible that he is saying it because he is saying what his Mum wants to hear not expecting her to pass that information on.

Original poster

benfmsmum · 28/01/2010 20:06

I think you are right CarGirl about him saying what he wants his mum to hear but I would have thought that by now he would have worked out what the consequences of that are by now!!

If we can get to talk with him without his mum being around I think we MAY be able to tell him how we feel and try to find out hwo he feels.

I think that just going to pic him up regardless of whatever texts etc we get is the way forward. I just wanted to find out what the feeling was on here as to whether that wouldn't be fair to poor dss who seems to be caught in the middle. This is after all about him and not how the parents get on or not!!

OP posts:

CarGirl · 28/01/2010 20:13

I think very often children feel conflicted they want it both ways and to keep both parents happy and often they are not even aware that they are doing it.

He may not even know that his Mum then cancels on what to him is a throw away comment said to keep her happy.

Original poster

benfmsmum · 28/01/2010 20:15

I agree CarGirl. You sound like you are on my wavelegnth!! Are you speaking from experience?

OP posts:

CarGirl · 28/01/2010 20:18

Yes but in a completely different way. I get on great with my ex and we very happily co-parent, he is welcome in my home, to an extent we rely on each for some practical support like borrowing cars/giving lifts occasionaly (neither of us have family).

We still found that dd did some of these, felt conflicted, moody when she came back, would say stuff, moan to the other parent etc etc etc Fortunately we both take it as her expressing her feelings and seeing it from a 4, 5, 6, 7 etc etc year olds point of view.

Original poster

benfmsmum · 28/01/2010 20:24

That's interesting CarGirl. (I've tried to type that in many ways but it still sounds sarcastic when I am genuinely interested to hear that!!)

With dss aspergers I suppose he could just be wanting to stick with what he is familiar about and what is easier to deal with from his point of view.

OP posts:

CarGirl · 28/01/2010 20:30

Children are children and 99% of them spend their lives trying to please their parents (well most of the time!!!)

It's like when you provide a younger sibling they feel conflicted, the love the baby and they hate the baby!

Original poster

benfmsmum · 28/01/2010 20:58

True words!

OP posts:

Original poster

benfmsmum · 31/01/2010 16:11

An update to this: We were supposed to see dss this weekend and so dp text exw at 5.30pmish on Friday to say he would be there at 10am to pick dss up and that he would be back later than 6pm (the usually agreed time) as it was soft play night. (we go to a special autistic soft play evening once a month. Dss has aspergers and ds has ASD).

We got a text back at 7.30am on Saturday to say exw had forgotten it was soft play and she and dss were going to town on the 9.10am bus and would not be home for dp to pick up dss. DP replied and said he would pick dss up from town. Text back said "we are out". DP text back and said that he would meet dss in town and take him for lunch. He said that so we could try to find out direct from dss whether he wanted to come or not and also for poor dp to actually see something of his son! No reply at all.

I think we now have the answer that perhaps it is not dss that doesn't want to visit his father but the exw who is standing in between them.

So, is it Cafcas and mediation next?? Seems this can't resolved between exw and dp. Exw refused mediation last time it was suggested though. Will Cafcas speak directly with dss? Anyone know the procedure/had experience?

OP posts:

CarGirl · 31/01/2010 19:48

Sorry I don't have any experience that is relevant but I would assume yes back to court if she is not complying with the order and cafcass may get involved.

Bumping for you. I think families need fathers would be a fantastic place to get advice and they would support you with a mackenzies friend so you could represent yourselves.

snowykitten · 02/02/2010 10:13

Thanks CarGirl, I didn't know about the mackenzies friend and so will look into that. DP spoke to exw yesterday, he asked what saturday was all about and she said it wasn't convenient for her for dp to see his son!!! It turns out she wasn't shopping but was on a two day course. She had asked her brother to look after dss instead of dp! DP took dss out for tea last night and talked to him and exw hadn't even told him that dp wanted to see him and take him to soft play etc. He was upset that he had missed out.

So now we have the truth from exw we can proceed with that info. It isn't that dss doesn't want to see us, it was as we suspected and exw doesn't want him to visit us.

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