DSS (7) coming to live with us. Would appreciate some advice.

[BigusBumus]

I am a little in shock this morning and would appreciate some advice or other people's stories. I have a DSS (now 7)and if you wouldn't mind scanning over my (long, sorry) thread about him here, it will explain a lot.

My Husband is actually my DP (didn't know the terminology back then). Anyway, DP has been more and more vocal about his son and much more supportive and less apathetic, so thats all good.

This weekend just gone, his Ex-w announced she was selling up and moving in with her boyfriend (the married man, his marriage over now). But he lives on a rough estate, drinks, takes drugs etc. So DP said fine, but you're not taking DSS with you. Cue much argument, but anyway, she has agreed that DSS would be better off living with us!

I am not going to pass judgment on her. My thoughts on her and her behaviour towards her son are immaterial. Plus I can't decide if handing him over to us is selfless or selfish behaviour on her part. Nor does it matter i suppose.

So, potentially he will be coming to live with us and leaving his mum when she moves away. He will see her every other weekend. (which is more than he sees her now tbh).

We are obviously very pleased for him. But how do we cope with the emotional fallout he will inevitably have? I am also worried that my own sons (7 and 3) will somehow suffer from the disruption.

I just wondered if anyone has ever been in the same position where a young step child came to live with you.
How did you make the transition smoother?

I'm going to bump this for you x

Hi Bigus - no magic words, from reading your thread I guess you know better than anyone that whilst this move certainly sounds like an improvement for this little lad, he may not entirely thank you for it.
I wouldn't expect it to be easy at first, or even as it goes along,but there again he may enjoy the stability of your family and the better level of care and interaction you want to give him.
I suppose my advice is to keep on doing your best, avoid criticising his Mum and be kind and consistent. I've 2 stepkids, but haven't had to deal with this kind of situation myself.
Good luck.

good luck with it, sounds stressful but you are providing the stable envirnoment that the child needs.

Just be very very wary of mum bouncing back after a few months demanding "her" child back and making all sorts of threats. You may need to make the living arrangements a bit more formal.

Oh and make sure you get the child beenfit transferred to you guys when child comes to live with you.

I would advocate the message about making it formal as soon as possible. My DSD's moved in with their Dad and me after a year and half of being on the Risk Register with our local social services. We were involved from day one with them and in the end the SS asked us to have them on a temporary agreement. At (what actually turned out to be the last Case Conference for them) their mum agreed that they could live with us permanently. This was witnessed in front of several professionals, including her solicitor of the moment! The solicitor then gave some bad advice which came to haunt us 18 months down the line, which that as their mum was doing it voluntarily then there was no need to go to court.

Move on 18 months, everything was fine, then their mum decided to move away totally from the area. First weekend contact she had with them after this and she decided to 'keep' them. She sent DH an email on the Saturday night saying that DSD's had said that they would 'love to live with mummy by the beach' and she was not bringing them back. All this was also over Father Day weekend. Good timing on her part! So we had to wait to Monday to go to our solicitor, get an emergency order, which was served to her 2 days later, forcing her to come to the Family Court in London on the Friday. The judge gave us temp residency as they were living with us and in school, as mum now wanted to contest residency, and couldn't give us permanent residency there and then. We had to trawl through the whole social services process again, and 1 week before the court case to decide residency, she decided to not go through with it.

Cost to her, absolutely nothing as she was (and still is) on benefits. Costs to us £12,000. If we'd of done it properly in the first place, it probably would of been a fraction of this. This has meant that, after having our DS, 22 months, that I have had to go back to work, full time. Our life is hectic but I wouldn't change it for the world now, except maybe go part time!

Sorry for the long post, but just wanted to make you aware of what could happen if don't do it properly now. Also make sure that your DH has Parental Responsibilty, if he hasn't already got it. This should mean he gets to give his opinions about schooling. Hope it all turns out alright for you. x

Excellant advice timmyinatizzy!
Btw so sorry you and yours were put through all the stress.

Bigusbumus please heed her good advice. Seriously I have heard of many parents who have dumped their kids to go off to jolly happy land, only to try to claim them back when it suits. IMO you guys need to safeguard his future from such instability for his well being.

As for your DSS's mental well being...
I would make enquiries with your GP before he develops any signs of mental distress ie now.
Also get yourself down to your local Sure Start to see if they have any parenting classes (often Webster Stratton ones) A child psychologist is often involved in the provision of such classes. Flag up your concerns to them, they would then be able to access further help if needed.
Good Luck.