grr. dsds mum has come up with another hare-brained scheme.

[itsmeolord]

DSD is with us every weekend and all school holidays, so more than 50% of the time.
She goes to school in a different county and stays with her mum monday to friday morning, although she is often at her grandparents rather than with mum.

They have had intervention from ss because of various things, one being the cramped living conditions, there are 4 children in one very small bedroom, mum and husband in the boxroom, two large dogs in a cage in the sitting room. (children range from 13yrs to 1yr).
Flat is a very very small two bed.
The agreement with ss is that dsd will be living with us full time from secondary school, she has struggled at primary but is looking ike she is settling so we all feel it best for her to continue there, she is in yr 5.

DSDs mum has informed us that they are moving in a few weeks to a town approx 35 min drive away from dsds school. They are taking her younger sibling out of the school and putting her in a local (failing) one, dsd is ostensibly remaining in her current school.

However, dsds mum doesn't drive, she has been learning on and off for years but can't get it, she has epilepsy and has had (from what I am told) a couple of fits over the last few years which is another reason why she hasn't been able to do her test.
She has told us that she is going to do a weeks intensive course and buy a car to get dsd to school.

1. In that area there is a three month waiting list currently for a test date.
2. How can they get on child to one school locally and another to a school over 35 mins drive away at the same time.
3. there is no guarantee she is going to pass the test.

She will not listen to reason, there are plenty of suitable nice houses to rent in her current area but she refuses to consider anything other than this one town. The schools are not good there. The schools in her current area, whilst not outstanding, are good. We cannot fathom why she is so fixated on this town.
I am convinced that she is going to change dsds school as soon as they move, present it as a fait accompli if you see what I mean. ie, we can't get her there, she will have to change schools..

Changing dsds school now will be devastating for her, she has had behavoural issues which are only just ironing out as well as self esteem issues which we are working very hard tyo improve. All of this unneccessary upheaval is so selfish I feel.

is there nothing you can do? its frustrating,but a prohibited steps order could be a consideration,but wont do much with your relationship with mum

shame residency cant be transferred now instead of waiting

SS are talking to her apparently this week to get everything clear. At the moment she is being very vague.

We could do the prohibited steps order but tbh, if she moves then an order to keep dsd at the same school isn't worth the paper its written on because she won't be able to physically get her there.

Residency can't really be transferred now as we are trying to do it with as little upheaval as possible for dsd. Hence she has stayed in the same school and is being prepared for residency changing at secondary school entry.

Tis shite. Her mum always comes up with oddball plans.

If you think Mum is going to do that, wouldn't there be less upheaval with her moving in with you, transferring to a school near you and meeting new friends she'll go to secondary with than moving home, new school, new people and then having to do it all again when she starts secondary school?

thats what i thought too choc!

Get in touch with SS - find out what their take on this is.

Education is a very important matter for chilren and something SS and the courts would place value on.

Make an application to Court for a PSO that the children are not removed from their current school, especially if the proposed school is worse.

Have you thought about making an application to Court so that all the issues are addressed in the court arena? At the moment its just bouncing around and to be frank SS will only be concerned with "supporting" mother - even though she seems to be failing in ensuring the children's welfare.

I am concerned about the childrens home arrangements.

Have you thought about making an application for residency?

Hi,

a little update for you. DSD has spoken to dp today and told him that she is moving in with her grandparents this coming weekend. Apparently the whole family (ie 4 children and two adults) are moving in as they had to "get out of the flat really quickly".

Just to clarify, at the moment it is shared residency. DSD had lots of issues surrounding behaviour, as ss were already involved with the mother they came up with a kind of family action plan. In essence, the plan was for dsd to continue at her current primary school to allow her stability and to be with us every weekend and pretty much all of school holidays.
Then, she would come to live with us permenently at transfer to secondary school and have weekend contact with her mum every other week.

It seemed best to do it this way at the time as she had been so disrupted the sw wanted to do the bit by bit approach. I think they should have just transferred residency at that point rather than all this cocking around.

We are going to see a solicitor this week, we have already considered the PSO but I think that would not be too helpful, in that it would not resolve all of the problems surrounding accomodation, it would merely prevent a school move.
We are going to ask the solicitor about transferring full residency to us now, I think we will need to get ss on side to support that as yes, they do seem to be more concerned with supporting mum at the moment rather than sorting out the accomodation and other issues.

I'll let you know how we get on.

Yes you need to get a move on.

I would speak to the head of section for your local SS, try to contact the person who has been involved with your case, explaining the situation and that you view it is urgent child welfare concerns, especially in light of how SS have been involved with the family to date.

You need to get SS on board if you are to be successful, plus they need to know what is going on. If mum cannot provide the best care then it may be in the child's long term interests to live with you guys under the auspices of a res order (shared or sole) with defined contact for mum - maybe every other weekend and after school for a few hours like most of the dads seem to get. I would still consider a PSO preventing removal of the child from current school - this is an important source of stability in the child's life. You may need to consider making an emergency application if SS aren't going to do anything, then they will be compelled to act by the Court (but with the danger of putting their backs up a bit).

Keep us all updated?

Hi,

short update. We have an appointment with our solicitor this week, dsd and her mum etc re with her grandparents now. It was supposed to be this weekend but we found out it had already happened when we went to pick up dsd during the week for n appointment and couldn't find them.

SS are being next to useless so we are going to go from the legal angle instead. SS want to support mum to keep all the children together, the other children are not our concern though. lthough I know that sounds very harsh, in the current situation we can only help one child, the others we have no control over.

sounds typical of SS - "supporting" bad parenting.

We've seen this in the past of cases of abusive parents.

It's all just so much BS.

The best long-term outcome for the child would be to live with you rather than in this dysfunctional "family"

Yes, it absolutely would but this particular sw feels differently to us I guess.

All very stressful, dp is being an utter cock at the moment because he is so wound up and worried about it all. I am ignoring studiously and drinking wine quietly.

Crikey, SS wants to support a mother keeping her four children (albeit not all with the same father) together as a family when she manifestly doesn't have the means to accommodate and support them properly? And your DSD's father and you are willing to offer her a full-time home with proper accommodation and care?

Madness. How very sad.

...could you also offer to pay for taxis to get DSD to her current school even if the mum moves so the argument for her changing schools sort of drops a bit?

Miggsie, we wouldn't be able to afford it. The journey is a good half hour drive without morning traffic. It would cost far too much to sustain.
Its not just about the school, the area she is saying she wants to move to is not good, the street she says the house is on (we have got a little bit more info now) is in the red light district. I realise that sounds rather dramatic but it is actually part of the red light light disrtrict, as in there are girls wandering up and down that particular street and punters stopping there.

Yes, it is utter madness. I think that there are some sw who are so scared by the whole "ss are babystealing monsters" that they go to the other extreme in a misguided sense of altruism.
Some problems cannot be fixed with surestart and a reward chart.

Can you not get a solicitor to put together a case for you showing how much better parents your DP and you are than DSD's mother and her partner?

Yes, we are seeing a solicitor this week to begin the final process.
SS were supporting a gradual change in residency, hence we now have dsd all weekend every weekend and pretty much all school holidays, festivals are alternated but dsd's mum will usually call and ask us to have dsd with us before we are due to pick her up again.

The plan that ss originally came up with was for dsd to permenently reside with us from the start of secondary school, that way she would have the stability of her primary school and would be able to get used to being with us more and more and with her mum less and less.
She has behavioural issues to take into account which is why the softly softly approach has been advocated.
Her mum would have contact every other weekend and school holidays/festivals would be worked out as and when as dsd gets older and becomes more able to decide when and how much contact she would have with mum.

Obviously recent events have brought all of this into question though.

The assumption underlying the switch of residency at secondary school (stability of primary school) is now no longer true. I would have thought your case would be excellent.

Your poor DSD.