Feeling threatened and really sad

[NewAlmostStepMum]

Hi all

Hope you don't mind but I needed somewhere to say all this. My DPs ex keeps blackmailing him with all kinds of threats and I just can't stand it anymore. She has absolutely no concept of what this is doing to DSS & DSD and I'm starting to dread every phone call, letter, knock on the door.

Latest thing is that she insists DP owes her £150, from about 2 years ago. She brings this up anytime there is a dispute about anything else. And yes, we could just give her the cash, but we tried that and then she invented another reason he owed her money. Last night she threatened to give our address to some traveller friends of hers, who would 'be quite nasty until we paid up'. She then went onto say that DP owes said friends £600 (another lie, but long long backstory). Then we had a text from her new BF, saying if we didn't give her the money by Friday, it would double.

I'm so tired of all this. Everything she says is a lie and her solicitor seems to swallow everything, so that we get letters demanding money, apologies etc and threatening us with court orders. My DP is a lovely bloke, he does everything he can for his children and literally every penny he earns is accounted for, either in maintenance to x, or in paying our bills/rent etc so that we have a home for the children.

Last night she told him to 'make some lifestyle changes' so that he could afford to give her more money. I don't know what she thinks we spend money on, but it certainly isn't an enviable lifestyle. I'm at my wits end, we work so hard to be able to provide what we consider to be a family environment and don't have any real luxuries. Now I feel like this security is under threat and a bunch of thugs could turn up at any minute.

Both DSD (3) & DSS (5) were upset by her shouting and screaming last night and said she'd scared them. I just wish she'd wake up and start putting them first.

Sorry to rant. Don't know what to do

I'm not sure I have anything particularly useful to advise I'm afraid but hopefully someone else will be able to help soon. However in your shoes I think I'd be having a word with the Police about the threats she's making. It's not on and sounds like demanding money with menaces (not entirely sure that's the right thing I mean) and I do think you need to do something to try and put a stop to it.

Keep a record of every text, phonecall, letter etc and go to the police and get yourself a very good solicitor.

Definitely go to the police. Document every last bit of communication with her. Apart from the fact that she's scaring her own children by ranting and raving in front of them what she's doing IS demanding money with menaces, and she could probably also be done under harassment laws as well. It does indeed sound that whatever you did, it'd never be enough so this needs to be nipped in the bud. In light of the threats, I'd take this as far the police were prepared to .... if, for example, they felt they had grounds to prosecute, let them do it, don't hold back because she's the mother of DP's children - and that applies to her BF as well.

Even if you genuinely owed her any money, there are ways to recover this. Creditors aren't allowed to threat you and frighten you into paying.

Yes go to the police and check CSA calculator then if she starts to want more money then refer back to it. Thats what my partner has to do.
Keep a log of everything and if you ca film her being abusiv towards you and threatening you.
xx

Thanks everyone

We're already keeping a diary and save all the texts etc.

Bluecollie, DP is having to pay over the CSA amount anyway as if he pays the lower amount she stops access. Referring to that doesn't help as she thinks it's an unfair system, i.e. she should have whatever she requests.

Not sure about the police, seems a huge step and her family have a few ex-cons so could make things worse in the long term. Especially as we don't have any court ordered access in place yet. But I know it's the only real constructive option

I think you need to get some boundaries in place babe, and if that means court, so be it. Ensure you keep anything relating to payment for contact. The courts love that sort of stuff.

She isn't entitled to what she requests. She is on;y 'entitled' to what the CSA calculate she should be paid, anything above that is voluntary by your DP. Keep records of everything. Can you not refer yourselves to the CSA 'to keep it all above board?'

I don't want to look like I'm poaching but you might also want to try www.childlessstepmums.co.uk it doesn't matter if you have kids

We contacted CSA, as everything was just done through a mutual agreement at first. CSA contacted DPs ex, (didn't realise she had to make the claim, we couldn't instigate it). She was ok with this until she realised it was less ££ that she was used to. Anita, we've kept everything, court just seems a long long way off....

Childlessstepmums for a good rant def. And I'm another one who'd suggest going to the police about the blackmail, and going through the courts. She can't be trusted and you aint her meal ticket and she's abusing your DH's good nature and feelings about his children to her own advantage.

Bitch. Grrrr on your behalf.

NASM : on the CSA website, it says a Parent With Care or a Non Resident Parent can contact them to sort out a payment arrangement. Did the CSA refuse to do it? or did she just refuse to give her bank details to accept payment?

Really, he should instigate the CSA case and tell her she either accepts that payment or she gets nothing. If you think she's going to cause trouble, keep a record of everything that's been happening, notify the police so they have some prior warning and something is on record ... and then if she kicks off or does something stupid report it immediately to the police.

It's such a horrible situation to be in. She's basically blackmailing him and playing on the fact that you are both too frightened to go to the police to stop her (or she might withhold contact). But it sounds like your partner needs to set some boundaries and show her that she can't walk all over him.

If someone was threatening me and my family like you describe and harassing me, I would be contacting the police and looking to get a restraining order on the.

Just a little update: it's all gone quiet on the demands for money front. But now DSS is demanding that he comes to live with us full time. I expect this is due to the upset last week- there's no way me or DP will broach this with ex. She has refused to have anything to do with the CSA and closed down the account that we had details for (DP was paying through a standing order and has now had to revert back to cash- she won't sign receipts).

You're all right- we're too scared to go to the police as she'll withhold contact.

Just for laughs- last night she sent her washing round with the kids as her machine is broken! Can you believe it!?

The ex is completely taking the piss - as if you need telling.

With someone like her, it's vital that he has a complete record of maintenance paid, so he can't be accused of witholding it - nor ever be held liable for (non existent) arrears from the CSA if they ever get involved. Seems simple to me, if she won't accept payments through a bank account and she won't sign receipts for cash, then she doesn't bloody get the cash. This can be paid into a separate account by DP so the money's there when she decides to grow up.

Either parent can instigate a CSA claim BTW. You may find that you have to get very assertive with them and insist they do so because a) much of the CSA doesn't seem to know its own rules and b) a fair number are pretty hostile to absent parents making a claim but my partner successfully argued that they had to assess his situation and I know others who've also done this. Having a formal arrangement really is the only way to deal with someone who's capable of blackmail.

Please don't dismiss going to the police either for fear of losing contact. Do you really want to live in fear of random thugs turning up and/or handing over more and more money leaving yourselves short(er) ? I'd not only be going to the police, I'd also be speaking to the CSA AND I'd be instigating a contact order via the courts. Your SDs are fairly young and I can't see DP would be refused a contact order as he might be if they were older and could express "their" opinion that they didn't want to see their dad for example.

Believe me, from experience, this needs to be nipped in the bud before it gets any worse. Living a life which revolves around appeasing the ex, no matter how unfair she's being, is completely soul dsetroying and can ruin your relationship. It also won't be too long before the children realise that threats, tantrums and emotional blackmail gets you what you want, (which is pretty much inevitable if they see their mother behaving like that) and you may then have manipulative children to deal with as well ... if DP ends up effectively scared of his own kids, you'll have a situation where the normal family dynamic of adults in charge is completely turned on its head, which is no way to live either.

Hello again everybody

Some brilliant advice here ta.
DP is going to set up an account in DSS name and give Ex the passbook. He'll then pay the maintenance into this and she can access it. Don't see how she can complain about that.

We're going to log the harassment with the police and then we've got a record. Things are moving forward with the court order- we're both much happier

I love this place; would be a mess without your support