Paying for one child while another moves in

[crazycrazy]

Currently, DH pays £410 CSA for his 2 children. When DSS1 starts university in September, DH will be paying around £310 CSA towards DSS2. However DSS1 has made comments about coming to live with us at this point.

Obviously this is going to cost us in terms of extra food and gas/electric. How much do you think it would be reasonable to ask from him towards his keep? (given that we're paying his mother £310 towards DSS2)

Wouldn't the £100 you pay less cover this?

No, I don't really think £100 would cover food etc for an 18yo. Also can't reconcile in my head how a 14 y/o is costing circa £700 if an 18yo costs £100 (btw I'm saying £700 as presumably the working mother of the children is also contributing £310 for DSS2, and so gets £80pm in child benefit for him, plus tax credits). Obviously the maintenance for DSS2 is also to cover clothes and hobbies etc, but surely not to the extent of £600pm

DSS1 is an adult, so you are entitled to ask him to pay digs. However, I would base this on how much money he will have coming in from Student Loans, part time work, etc, rather than how much maintainance was paid for him, or how much is paid for his younger sibling. Its got nothing to do with DSS1 how maintainance is paid for a younger sibling, and his digs should be to pay towards his upkeep, not subsidise his younger brother IYSWIM. If he can afford more than £100 a month out of his income, then great, if not, then you are out of pocket, but encouraging him to stay in education.

"Its got nothing to do with DSS1 how maintainance is paid for a younger sibling"

It is though, when there is a finite amount of money in the pot

"made comments about"

Surely it would be polite of him to ask you first? Not just assume he can move in and be a financial burden to you! Can't he move into student accommodation?

If DSS1 was you ds and starting university would you charge him rent or would you be grateful he was prepared to continue living at home and so save you all the cost of student housing? Fair enough to charge him rent if he is working but I assume he is relying mainly on a student loan to get through university?

martha - agree, but arrogance of youth and all that!

decortate - difficult one. If DSS1 was mine, I'd have been saving the hundreds of pounds we've been paying every month in csa all these years towards his university years! Unfortunately that has been impossible and we're still paying out the hundres of pounds monthly for DSS2.

decor - btw I wasn't suggesting charging him rent, was specifically referring to food, utilites etc

What will your dh be contributing towards uni costs and fees for dss1? Presumably that comes into the equation?

The £700 per month figure is a red herring I think. The CSA amount will be based on DHs disposable income, not on the actual costs of rasing the dcs.

I think that for any parent, contributing towards university fees etc only comes into the equation insofaras it's affordable. Unfortunately, as we're still paying £310 towards DSS2 each month, there is a limit as to what is affordable

"What will your dh be contributing towards uni costs and fees for dss1? Presumably that comes into the equation?"

And presumably the mother's contribution also comes into the equation - presumably you forgot to ask that part?

You say you would have been saving all the money you are having to pay to the CSA - you sound very resentful that your dh is supporting his children tbh... And if he is paying £600 via the CSA I am guessing he is earning a reasonable salary (going by what I know of percentages they take)

And £600 is not a lot of money really when you consider how much it costs to run a house, wouldn't cover half my mortgage, utilities, food, etc

But it is always a problem when a couple with children separate, having to run two homes instead of one.

Personally I think it's reasonable for a parent to support their children as much as they can while they are in full-time education, though I also believe the child should help themselves as much as they can via part-time and holiday work. But really if your dss is studying at uni you really can't expect him to be financially independent of your dh yet

Are you sure that you have recalculated the CSA properly ie based on dh now becoming the resident parent for dss1?

decorhate - I said the csa for 2 was £410
And given that, as you say, this should cover housing etc etc, then obviously we will be hard pushed to cover both the £310 for DSS2 while paying all the housing, etc etc also for DSS1! And in terms of financial dependency, then likewise, it shouldn't be expected that his mother should be 'off the hook' when he moves into FT eduction at 18 either

ladymuck - the problem is that DSS1 will be 18 and at university, therefore no maintenance deduction payable by his mother, nor any deduction from the maintenance we pay for DSS2

will dss1 be with you full time? Or just term time, or just non-term time?

Did his mother ask him to move out? Or are you closer to the University, and it would therefore be easier for him to get there?

In your situation, I would be asking what income he would have and ask for a portion of it towards food with bills/rent being DH's contribution toward funding his studies.

If he asks his mother to contribute something for him each month, you'd be able to take it into account when discussing his income. (Does your DH has such a relationship with her, that he could ask what her plans are in regard to this?)

I did laugh at the disposable income and the CSA comment, sorry. The CSA's idea of "disposable income" is VERY different to a normal person's.

You can't really put how much dss1 should pay into relation with what you're already paying for his brother, purely because you could come up with a figure that he cannot afford! You need to base it on how much he can afford really. (Unlike the CSA )

I think you should all collectively heave a big sigh of relief that this child can live with a parent while studying - student accom is enormously expensive and this will save you all - because whether your husband is legally liable to supprt this child through uni surely he would have felt compelled to help out anyway??? This is saving you a bundle!

I don't blame you for being a bit pissed off but there it is, these are the percentages that men are liable for when their marriages break down. What you are really saying is 'we are only saving £100 and we are going to be out of pocket if he lives here' - If you aren't buying clothes for this one and giving pocket money (which I think should be the case at 18) then £100 for food and added burden to utilities should cover it.

And I don't think you should ask for finacial help from him because he is your husband's child and I think you are confusing issues between how much his ex wife gets etc - his siblings maintenance is no problem. Do you think you are going to be OK having him live with you?? It would be nice to say to him that you are saving £100 by him reaching his age and moving out and that covers his expenses and let him get on with enjoying life and studying.

tarty - I don't know if you saw riven's post, but she certainly didn't get that sort of reaction for needing her adult child to contribute towards his food bills etc in her house when starting university. It seems you have a different attitude towards my case because this is a step-child?

Can I say one more time - we can't afford to let him live bill free at our house. The CSA payments have put DH into debt over many years. The CSA don't care (as chochobnob said) about affordability, or the fact that DH's ex swept chucked him out of his house for a new man and he never saw a penny for the house he'd paid into for years, or the fact that she lied to them about voluntary payments he was making which put him into arrears. As a result, our bills and housing costs have been well in excess of hers ever since, and now that one of the children has reached 18 there was some light at the end of the hideously expensive tunnel, you're expecting us to house an adult bills-free , whilst his mother pays nothing towards him, and continues to rake it in for her other child?

Why on earth shouldn't we expect an adult child to contribute towards his food/bills for goodness sake, just because he is a step-child. I've read many posts on here and it really is quite normal (unless one is loaded of course, which we are not)

I will not be able to afford to pay for my dcs yo go to uni

I will be kicking them out when they are 18

don't see why a stepson is any different

jemesouviens - no, he is choosing to leave as he's had enough of her control-freakery (as have we all). His mother's house is actually closer to university

I guess the problem is that most students don't have income - they have grants or loans. A grant doesn't cover living costs, so basically all you can consider to be 'income' is a loan, unless he works of course

Unfortunately DH and his ex are unable to speak to eachother as her response to everything over the last 11 years has been "no, and I don't want to discuss it". Doubt she'll contribute anything tbh

It's refreshing though for someone on this thread to suggest that she maybe should

lady - I wasn't actually suggesting charging him £310 . The purpose of the OP was to ask what was reasonable to cover costs

The CSA is relevant to the extent that it reduces our affordability significantly to subsidise another adult's bills if/when he moves in with us

I'd guestimate that bill for food etc. for a male adult would probably cost around £150pm, and maybe £10 pm towards everything else (that's £37pw which is quite low compared to some of the figures quoted on other threads)

And just to put the record straight, again, we are not now 'saving' £100pm, we are less into debt by £100pm, which is very different