new to this and looking for support

[MissLaRue]

Hello
I'm new to mumsnet (class myself as a stepmum although we're not married) and I feel I need people to talk to who may be in a similar situation.

I have been with my partner for 16 months. He and his wife separated 1 year before we got together and my DP was living at his mums. We now live together.

When we first got together he told me he was no longer married. I found out he meant 'separated but still married' a while later. Divorce proceedings only started 8 months ago.

I've goined 2 step kids, 1 boy 6 and 1 girl 8. We have them here twice a week, more during holidays.

Thats basically my situation. I'd like some advice and people to chat too about it.

Sometimes i feel so upsset about having his kids over, they remind me of the life and love he used to have and sometimes it brings me to tears and I have to make myself scarce. Other times we have a great time.
We plan to marry and have our own family but I keep thinking it won't be the same as he's already done the whole marriage and kids thing.

Am I being stupid?? any shared thoughts and feelings are greatly apreciated.

When you have someone who has been married before with children,they come as a package and therefore they will always now be a part of your family too.Its not the childrens fault that this has happened.Try and enjoy the time that you and your partner spend with the children and you may find you will end up being close to them.

Thank you for your responses.

I find things so hard and just want the divorce to be over and done with so that I can feel that my DP is actually mine!

He's upset me recently by changing the acces times for his kids without asking me. He's arranged to have them here over night more without discussing it with me. Am I right to feel hurt and slightly betrayed by this? I mean, he discussed this important issue with his ex and agreed to it without even one word to me. And its our house they will be staying at!

Oh I don't know. sometimes I feel I'm in too deep

Hello and welcome!

You are quite right to be upset that your DP has rearranged access to his children with his exW without consulting you. While in practice you may not have much say in arrangements as to when your stepchildren come to you (since there are many agendas involved, including school and your DP's and his exW's jobs, plus perhaps his exW's partner's agenda and his children's agenda...), it is only polite that you be consulted and given the opportunity to voice your opinion, and perhaps suggest alternative arrangements if the ones proposed are not at all convenient to you.

It is also very important for you to be able to distinguish between your stepchildren's agenda and their mother's agenda. Don't ever let yourself be put in the position where you are some kind of always open door (free hotel) when your DP's exW is unable to take care of her children.

Thanks for the response.

I realise I have little control over a lot of things, and that scares me. All I want is to live happily with my partner, have his kids over and for us to be happy with our lot.

I'm struggling with what I guess is jelousy. Thoughts of his past haunt me and make me miserable and I don't know how to combat that. I think about our future, marriage, honeymoon, house, kids. But then I think, well he's already done that so it won't be special for us. Is that normal? or has anyone felt similar?

mrsjammi - but what happens when DP rearranges for stepchildren to come one day after school directly with exW and without consulting new partner, and assumes that new partner is available and willing to wait around at home for children to arrive, supervise homework, make supper etc until DP arrives? That isn't on: he needs to ask. New partners are allowed to have their own agenda and not be available 24/7 for stepchildren. Only parents have that call of duty, IMVHO.

Thanks mrsjammi. you sound like you've been there and done it and come out smiling

I feel like its a constant battle at the moment. my DP and his ex have been for their divorce mediation today so things are moving on. But so slowly. I feel like I'm on a tightrope and I could fall at any second.

I really feel that having people to chat to who are in similar situations is going to help me a lot. until now I've only ever spoken to my DP about some of my feelings and I don't think he is neccessarily the right person to talk to about everything. He is a wonderful man but very sensitive and the last thing I want is to worry him or upset him.

You've given me a glimmer of hope on a very dark day

Hiya MissLaRue... just wanted to say I was close to where you are a few years ago, and to agree with the others when they say it gets easier.

I had a very stressful time when i first moved in with my now DH and became a part time "step mum" - I even moved out for a few months for a breather. But now everything just seems to glide along smoothly. Hang in there

Would echo MrsJammi and Starzzz. It's really hard work, I get jealous and really melancholy at times, but after 14 months I absolutely love my stepkids, I can't imagine where I'd be without them and I am proud to be a stepmum (almost, we're not married either, awaiting DPs divorce....).

As for your DP having done everything before, I felt like that at first, and even that I was cheating my Mum and Dad out of being 'proper' grandparents, as they treat DSD & DSS as their own. But I'd rather that than my own kids (when they come along) getting special treatment. Don't let jealousy eat you up, she's an EX for a reason

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I hope that you're right and it does get easyer with time. Sometimes I feel like its a battle not worth fighting.
My Dp is supportive but he doesn't realise how hard I find it, he can't seem to understand why I find it difficult. I hope that we will come out smiling though

You've found a really supportive place here MissLaRue - welcome .

I was very unsure at first about dh having an ex with a child. When I found myself driving round my town with him as he was desperately trying to find out where his ex and dd were (she'd moved out of her house - later we found out that it was because people were after her then boyfriend who owed them money - I had a really big think about whether I wanted to get involved in all that.

And I worried too that he and his ex might want to try and give it another go as they had a child, so was wary of getting involved.

However, we've been together now for over 12 years and I have a great relationship with my dsd, who is a fabulous sister to dd, so it has all worked out. When dd came along I found I was really pleased that dh had had dsd because while I was shitting myself about having a baby and knowing what to do, he had already done it and that really helped.

And I think as time went on (and actually it wasn't very long at all) and we had our own memories, the thought that he would want to be with his ex and family there lessened. It's not something I ever give any thought to now, I just consider her as sort of extended family on dh's side.

Hey, don't worry too much. The divorce will happen and it'll all work itself out. I've been with my partner 18 months and he has a 5 and 9 year old and was still married when we got together.

My best advice is rant here, don't take anything too seriously as it all passes. Loads of manky emotions get thrown up, jealousy, sadness, isolation, feeling left out, uncertainty about how you are doing, guilt that you are feeling like this, all sorts. It's all just emotions. They are all temporary and all pass. Hang on to the good moments.

xx

It will be special, your life together, because it's with you. You are the one he's building a life with. She is the one he is leaving. It makes me sad too sometimes that I've come into his world when he already has a family, and sometimes I too feel like second best.

Push it aside. You're not second best. You are the one he has chosen. Any experience he has with you is the first time he's done it with you.

Thank You everyone.

I'm trying to take on board everything you've all said to make things easyer for us all.
We had his kids this weekend and everything was fine, I think we all had a nice time.

Although me and my DP had another argument last night about him changing the arrangements for when we have the kids without me knowing. I wish he'd say he was thinking of changing arrangements and seek my opinion before he went ahead and did it. Now that makes me feel left out and not important enough to even see what I think!