6 yr old step daughter wnats nothing to do with baby or me!

[BlueCollie]

I have yet to meet my 6 year old stepdaughter as her mother is quite frankly a total cow and has denied my OH access since he met me. He has been fighting through courts for past year and only seen his daughter twice and that has been through a court order. His daughter was told to throwaway christmas cards signed from her brother and also another one signed from my OH and me by her mum. She is now stating on the phone that she wants nothing to do with her brother or me. Now I can understand that her mum (who is an depsicable person) slags me off to her although I by no means think it's right to put a child in this position, however I can't get over her turning her daughter against my son. This is bringing up all sorts of issues for me and have no idea how to deal with them. I have always been very supportive of my OH's fight to get access and have even take a loan out in my name to cover courts costs etc but he has got nowhere as she is using every evil trick in the book to stop him seeing his daughter or making it very difficult. But now knowing she wants nothing to do with her brother is making me feel that my son is going to end up at risk when or indeed if his daughter ever comes to our house (something I doubt her mother will ever allow). I can cope with a 6 year old being stroppy against me and understand how her mum has done everything to turn her against me but now sure how I am going to react if she starts picking on her brother???? Our family is already going without and in debt because of his ex and now knowing that I have got years of hell to contend with is really upsetting me and making me what to give up. I have already said to my OH I can't carry on like this and this obviously puts him in a difficult situation but how long are you supposed to put up with it....his ex is never going to change.
Any advice welcomed

Unless this little girl has some massive problems, I don't think there's any reason to think that her saying on the phone that she doesn't want anything to do with a theoretical brother would have any connection to actually harming a real baby/toddler/small child when she met him.

Her mother may well have made her dislike the idea of having a half-brother, or feel that her father cares more about his new family so want to have nothing to do with you out of hurt.

For now though, I think the important thing is for your DH to continue trying his best to stay in contact with his daughter - it may be easier for him to do that without her coming to your house at first, if her mother is being difficult about access. But your DH manages to develop a decent relationship with her, as she gets older she may well have more say in the access arrangements anyway, and then develop a relationship with you and her half-brother.

I would agree with AMuminScotland-keep on with trying to get the contact. If he gets it, take it very slowly-away from the house to start with until she gets used to him and realises that he is a sane, well balanced person and take it from there.

I think that if I were you I would start keeping a scrap book of family life and her brother. Keep it friendly and don't mention the natural mother, but you could log access visits that were blocked, stick in birthday cards that she didn't get, postcards of holidays, photos of her brother at various stages and as he gets older little drawings by him. Make sure that he always knows he has a sister.
It may take until she is an adult and makes contact, but then you can fill her in on the missing part and show her that you always cared and she was much loved and wanted.
The mother is ultimately going to lose out by using her DD as a weapon-you can't poison minds like that without eventual fall out.

Give her the scrap book when she is older and you get the contact-so that she knows that the bad feeling wasn't from you.

One thing you have to be aware of is that this reaction wouldn't be that unusual even if the child was your own biological child and the baby her own full sibling. Jealousy is extremely common in an older child towards a new baby who seems to be winning away the affections of a parent (in this case her father).

In this case, it may be that it's the mother turning her against you. But you do also need to understand that this is most likely how a 6yo would be thinking anyway. Even without the step issue.

And from saying that she wants nothing to do with a baby she hasn't met from thinking of her as a risk to the child is a huge step. But you have to accept that she may well pick on her little brother from time to time. That's what siblings do. Most parents supervise tactfully and try to understand both children while not getting too upset about it. That of course is an awful lot harder for you to do, as you don't even know this little girl.

But it absolutely does not mean that the girl and your baby cannot grow up to adore each other and be a comfort and support to each other long after you and your dh are both gone. Or just be polite to each other.

I'm with PiscesMoon on this one. Things are clearly very difficult at present with the lack of contact, but hopefully in time,and as she gets older and forms an opinion of her own, contact may become easier and at that time, you can show her she was never forgotten, or thought of as second best.

Keep a diary as someone else suggested of EVERYTHING! Dates/times/events etc so that when dealing with your legal team, you are all clear about the facts.

As far as your stepdaughters comments are concerned, as hard as it is, please take them for what they're worth and that's very little. What I'm trying to say is that this little girl (at present) extends her loyalty to her mother out of fear in some cases or simply because she may have heard her mother on countless occasions bad-mouthing your OH. She knows no different and has no opportunity of finding out the 'truth'. At the age of 6yrs old, she is incapable of making such a solid judgement of the situation as a whole, nor is she capable of making such an important decision as to having no contact to her father, you or your baby....at least without some coaching.

Type in "Parental Alienation Syndrome" to try and understand some of the things going on here which may help both you and your OH.