Disagreement on schools - anyone been there?

[Bonsoir]

Has anyone got any experience of being a stepparent where your partner and his ex have completely different opinions about where there children should go to school? How did they solve it?

No you've got the wrong end of the stick there, thedolly.

We are in the middle of applying for lycée for DSS1, who must move school in September 2010. We are applying to a variety of private schools and will also enter him for the local state lycée. The idea was to apply for a place at the same private schools for DSS2 as for DSS1, and to (hopefully) move them at the same time, if they got a place at the same school, in order to solve the issue of DSS2's under stimulation.

It is not possible to move sideways to another state collège in France - you either go to your local one, or you opt out and go private.

My DD is at a private school because that is the only option if you want a bilingual education.

I still maintain if such a young child is actually depressed, there is more going on there than their being the brightest kid in their class. Is he perhaps being bullied do you think, Anna? In some schools kids get a hell of a time for being smart.

I still think I have a point Bonsoir. It is entirely possible that the ExW associates any move in the direction of private education as coming from you, given your background and current choice for your DD.

Choosing/deciding on schools is so difficult, I am sure you must be very and frustrated at your lack of 'sway' on this matter.

I have always had the impression from various other threads of yours that all three of you (the adults) sit down regularly to discuss the major issues surrounding your step children. I guess that is me showing my ignorance yet again .

Since there is no history of exW being obstructive to projects generated in this household for the sake of vengefulness (and DP and I have been discussing this all evening and definitely agree on this - we don't think she is vicious!) I really don't this is the case. I think she's is blind to the needs of others, not mean.

No he's not bullied at all (he's a big strong boy and a very nice child) but he is lonely in that he finds his contemporaries intellectually limited.

Oh and thedolly - she's not against private education at all for DSS1 so why would that be the case for DSS2? It wouldn't add up at all!

I think you are projecting English ideas about the private/state divide that are not relevant to France (totally different set up).

What about Surfer's point that he might be telling you and his Dad what he thinks you want to hear - and doing the same with his mother?

What form does the depression take? Seems a bit superficial in some way - depressed/change school/depressed/change school again. I don't mean that to sound critical but are you sure that's all there is to it?

Quite possibly Bonsoir . It is good that she is not viscious - now all you need is to work out a way of opening her eyes.

What does she think are the reasons behind her son's depression? Perhaps she is reluctant to move him because he is depressed. Could 'you' perhaps try to counter the depression in other ways as others have suggested but perhaps put a time limit on it. So if things haven't improved by the Summer then a new school it is. Obviously you'll have to submit the application just in case .

She'd be absolutely furious if she ever found Bonsoir's threads about what a crap mother she is - imagine the effrontery of a mother taking her own children on holiday and buying them clothes without running the destination/menus/labels past their adoring stepmother first.

My vicious is from the urban dictionary .

edam - I responded to that point of surfermum's. DP is 100% sure that DSS2 wants to change school, and tbh given how long he has been psyching up for it and how much he has talked about it with huge enthusiasm and it acts as an incentive to work hard, it wouldn't add up at all for him to not want to. DSS2 is not the kind of child who can convincingly say one thing and do another!

Anyway, DP will see exW today about this. We'll see how he gets on!

If private education in France is anything like private education in the UK, then mum might simply be concerned about the additional workload and the strain it can put on both the boy and herself. Most private school expect much more dedication, from both the children and the parents.

The depression based on being surrounded by children who are not in his intellectual league sounds a bit far-fetched to me as well. Unless he is extremely gifted and surrounded by a bunch of underachievers and mentally challenged kids, I cannot quite see why he would be as isolated as you say.

It's obviously tough to advise without knowing the French system, but aren't there educational advisors in France who could give you an expert view based on both your observations plus the observations of the teachers?

Court obviously is your last resort ... but pretty much pointless because it cannot force Mum to support the boy when it comes to coping with a potential increase in workload if this is entirely against her wishes and believes.

KaPe - the private/state divide is very different in France - all schools follow the NC, for a start, so the difference isn't nearly as great. Mostly private schools have more pastoral care and offer more extra-curricular activities, and they are a bit more selective versus a state system that is universally comprehensive.

I'm grateful for your time in responding, but trying to put forward opinions based on English concepts of state and private is quite off the mark and not relevant to this debate.

I was looking for inspiration for negotiation tactics for DP with exW, not questioning our analysis of what is going on.

Hhhm ... I actually do believe that the most important thing for your negotiations would be to know (or guess) why Mum is so against changing his schools in order to find a way to reason with her. You have already established that she isn't vicious, so what is it then?

Your DP's and your analysis of your DSS's needs and abilities might differ from mum's, a "child's best interest" is always a tricky one.

Finding an "external" expert (such as a school counsellor) who confirms your findings might obviously be the best way to swing mum around.

Can't quite see what isn't constructive about the above.

KaPe - it's all been done, many times over! That's why there is no point poring over the analysis when it's done. DSS2 saw a shrink for a quite a long time (at his mother's insistance, incidentally).

Anna, are you quite sure that the mother is motivated purely by laziness? What if she has reasons for thinking DSS should stay put?

Doesn't she hold down a quite high-powered job? Presumably she has some sort of brain in her head? Maybe she just has less time on her hands than you do?

Are you absolutely sure you are not projecting your own feelings onto this kid? ie 'I'd be depressed too if I were at that school.'

I also wonder if some of your motivations aren't wanting to show yourself in the strongest possible contrast to your DP's ex-wife?

He left her, but she's fat whereas I'm thin! She's lazy and uninvolved, whereas I make a five-step project out of buying my step sons' underpants!

Obviously you will rebut all of this completely but I wonder if there might be a modicum of truth in this?

She is motivated by keeping her children close at hand, that's for sure - she tells them they can stay at home for higher studies, until they get married etc and hasn't made any financial provision for their future, whereas DP constantly encourages them to go out and explore and has put money for them to one side to pay for their studies and independent living when they get to that age.

It's a very different mindset.

I don't think that there is anything wrong at all about believing that a parent who wants to offer opportunities to his children for further advancement is right and thinking that a parent who wants to prevent their child from having opportunities is rather unthinking!

And if you think that my motivations are questionable - why would I be motivated for my DP to spend a lot of money on his children for educational opportunities if it weren't for their benefit? Exactly what do I get out of it? If I were as evil a stepmother as some posters suggest, surely I would be on the boys' mother's side, not bothering to further their aspirations and squirreling the cash away for us?

Yes but I am reminded of the old adage about when you have a hammer you tend to see every problem as a nail.

Education appears to be your 'thing', which is great. However I think you lean towards thinking every problem can be solved by a bigger brighter or better education.

From what I have read about your DSSs they sound like very emotionally vulnerable kids. The 15 year old getting hysterical about the doctor making some throwaway (if ill-judged) remark about his pocket money seems more the reaction of a much younger child.

DSS1 is not remotely emotionally vulnerable - he's a robust child who both vomits up any surplus food he consumes and exteriorises his feelings verbally very easily!

DSS2 is a much more vulnerable personality because he swallows everything and keeps it to himself.

I have strong feelings about education, but my DP is, inevitably, the driver of education for his sons - as his mother was for him and his brother. I am not a lone voice (as you seem to think). The boys have always been brought up to do their homework conscientiously and that is DP's doing. I just hope he is going to manage to instil the same fabulous habits in my DD, because I know I don't have them myself!

GOOD NEWS! DP has just emailed me to say that exW has retracted on DSS2 and has agreed to all the school applications!

We have been having a very tense time (much more so than this thread would suggest) so this is HUGE progress.

Well done .

DP said he thought he saw a glimmer of the dawning of understanding that her paying zero attention to her children's education and future opportunities was going to backfire nastily on her - apparently both boys gave her a real going over on Monday night!

wot? dss2 whingeing again?
he has you around his litle finger imo

Pleased to hear that things are progressing for you - educational under-stimulation can be the root of so many problems for children.