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Original poster

Disagreement on schools - anyone been there?

50 replies

Bonsoir · 12/01/2010 13:27

Has anyone got any experience of being a stepparent where your partner and his ex have completely different opinions about where there children should go to school? How did they solve it?

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Original poster
Bonsoir · 12/01/2010 13:27

their

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Surfermum · 12/01/2010 13:34

They didn't. Dsd's mum did what she wanted and refused to talk to dh about it. She thought he was just trying to "control" her. She then moved her again when things went wrong at that school, and put her in dh's first choice. A few years later admitted that she'd put dsd in the school she chose because she knew it was the one dh didn't want, and the the one dh wanted was definitely a better school.

Original poster
Bonsoir · 12/01/2010 13:39

Hmm.

We don't have a "moving away" issue in that DSS2's mother isn't going anywhere of her own volition and she isn't trying to go against anyone's wishes - she just has a totally different perspective on school to DP.

DSS2 is very clever and very bored, he already got depressed once (at the end of primary school) and it is starting again. DP thinks he needs a more challenging school, DP's exW thinks it is lovely to be right at the top of the class while not needing to do any work.

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wildfish · 12/01/2010 13:43

Sort of :
I had to chose the school at first, because DS mum was "not bothered" (busy) and left it to me , once I had the acceptance from school, ex told me that her new partner had decided DS should go to xxxx school. That time it was resolved by ignoring her.

However secondary will be another kettle of fish, and I really don't know what will happen then.

Legal/court? I wish I could say talking

Surfermum · 12/01/2010 13:45

It wasn't a case of changing schools because she'd moved, there were problems at the school and so she chose others locally.

Your situation is different though as you have a lot more contact than dh was having at the time.

What sort of school will he go to next? How long has he to go? It's just I was always top of the class at junior school, found it really easy. I went off to Grammar school where I was just average and I couldn't be arsed then. I might have done better I think at a less academic school. His mum might have a point.

If he is depressed, then a major change like switching schools is going to be a challenge for him.

Original poster
Bonsoir · 12/01/2010 13:46

DP knows that "last resort" is family court judge (who will ask DSS2 what he wants to do, given that he will be 13 this year and is old enough to have an opinion - and he wants a more challenging school) but we really would like to resolve this more diplomatically.

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wildfish · 12/01/2010 13:46

Just saw your last post, in that case I'd think it would be best to have both visit the schools and then sit down (parents only) and try to resolve whats best for child via discussion.

Original poster
Bonsoir · 12/01/2010 13:48

He was really very depressed at the end of primary school, and the change to secondary made a huge difference - he perked up very quickly indeed and was a different child this time last year. But he is coasting at the top of his class now. DP is much more worried about leaving him be (in light of past experience) than moving him, especially as he wants to move.

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Original poster
Bonsoir · 12/01/2010 13:49

DP managed to persuade exW to visit one other school, under duress! And it is not easy to visit schools here unless you have already make an application and exW is stalling at the application process .

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wildfish · 12/01/2010 13:50

A bit puzzling that is child wants a more challenging school as well, then why would mum object?

Surfermum · 12/01/2010 13:55

What's her view of it? Why does she want him to stay put?

Original poster
Bonsoir · 12/01/2010 14:00

Like I said, she seems to think that it is very nice to be right at the top of the class while doing no work. Not sure that she appreciates that some people like/need challenges in life to be happy.

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Surfermum · 12/01/2010 14:06

Oh yes, that's right. Do you think that he might be telling you and your Dad what you want to hear? I'm not saying that that's the case, but I think it's always something to consider. He might just be trying to please his Dad because he knows his Dad wants him to achieve. Or vice versa of course.

When you say "depressed" what do you mean? Fed up or more of a clinical depression? To be honest I'd be more concerned about getting that sorted out (am assuming it's the same child who got depressed about putting on a few pounds).

Original poster
Bonsoir · 12/01/2010 14:08

The depression is down to being totally understimulated - the solution is school (and we've been through this before and he's been to the shrink - it's not something new that he isn't aware of). DP and DSS1 and DP's parents and DSS2's maternal great aunt (ie all his close relatives) are all clear that DSS2 wants to change school so I don't think there is any ambiguity on that front, though DSS1 tells us that DSS2 daren't say anything to his mother.

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thedollyridesout · 12/01/2010 14:23

I think that it is a challenge for any school to be constantly challenging our children.

I don't understand why the mother cannot see the solution as clearly as you and your DP. Perhaps it is your involvement in the matter that she is resentful of and this is affecting her judgement. Is it possible for you to 'back off' and leave it up to DSS2 and his father and mother. A bit of humility (feigned or otherwise on your part might help the situation). Even if you will have much more to do with the new school than 'she' will.

Original poster
Bonsoir · 12/01/2010 14:26

thedolly - I don't exist from her perspective - never talk to her, have only seen her once, DP does every single last dealing. I do masses for the boys but she thinks DP does it all. So not sure that that is an issue.

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thedollyridesout · 12/01/2010 14:37

I would say that the potential school move has you written all over it but I could be wrong.

Good luck with it all .

Surfermum · 12/01/2010 14:41

What about your dh, dss and his mum all sitting down together to talk about it?

Original poster
Bonsoir · 12/01/2010 14:42

You don't know my DP and his perspective on school! He's the only male parent rep at the DSSs' current school btw...

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thedollyridesout · 12/01/2010 14:51

It's the private/state thing Bonsoir that indicates your involment IMVVVHO.

Original poster
Bonsoir · 12/01/2010 14:51

Sorry?

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Original poster
Bonsoir · 12/01/2010 14:53

Surfermum - if DP, exW and DSS2 were all able to sit down together, that would be great. However, that is not an option according to exW.

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thedollyridesout · 12/01/2010 15:01

Your DD is at private school - right?
Your DSSs are at state school - right?
You want to move your DSS2 to a private school - right?

Hence my conclusion. Apologies if I am wrong but I'm a bit of a 'school lurker' as you already know.

ShimmyYourselfHappy · 12/01/2010 16:00

Are you sure that the depression is only because he is feeling under-challenged at school?

For a primary-aged child to have become very depressed seems to me to point to something else.

You say he was very happy at this school but is now depressed again. Are you sure this is because he is too far ahead of his class academically? Has your DP gone to see his teacher about this?

littlemoominmamma · 12/01/2010 17:03

If you think he is under acheiveing then maybe a tutor or some sort of out of school club could be the answer?

We all want our children to reach their potential, sometimes we just have to find other ways. - good luck

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