Problems with my own child!

[Notastepmumyet]

I hope nobody minds me gatecrashing this section, but I am really in need of some advice,although I am not living with my partner, or officially a stepmother. I am a widow with 3 children of my own and am in a relationship with a widower who has 2 children. We have known each other as friends for around 7 months and been in relationship for around 3 months. All the children seemed to get on well together until recently when my DS2 who is almost 13 started expressing his dislike for his DS2 who is almost 7. He is unkind to him and won't play with him when the two families get together, which tends to be around once a week as my friend and I meet without the children another day during the week. His behaviour was so unacceptable this weekend that I spoke to him severely, his older siblings and I believe that he is jealous and does not want to lose his position as the baby of the family. After previous bad behaviour I had already talked gently to him and encouraged him to express his feelings and reassured him that the love I felt for other people in no way diminished the love I felt for him or the place he had in my life.

He has been extremely difficult and argumentative lately over various issues like bedtime and personal hygiene. Tonight an argument over showers escalated into saying he wished my friend's DS2 would die. I was so shocked that I just sent him to his room to consider his behaviour, and he did seem sorry when he came down, but then had a complete meltdown over another issue. It is over 18 months since his father died and he is still having counselling once a fortnight at school. I am thinking it would be best to contact the school and discuss this with Pastoral Care. In the meantime does anyone have any advice on how they have dealt with similar problems, I am concerned, but am also very much in love with my new man and don't want this to spoil what we have. Am I right in thinking I shouldn't tell him what my son said about his DS?

Hello. Congratulations on finding a new man in your life and good luck together. I guess your son is probably feeling threatened that he had one life, that changed, he got used to the new one as best he could and then along comes another change.
I would guess he also feels he lost one important person when your husband died and now in someway he feels he is losing his Mum too. I would just keep reassuring him that you are still there and always will be. He prob does feel the younger child may "steal" his position but again only reassurance and time will prove to him thats not the case.

I would still expect him to behave respectfully though and I wouldn't ignore everything he does but try patiently as you can to still show him your expectations haven't changed.

As to whether to tell your partner I guess that only you can answer as you know him. My Husband I would be able to tell but some others from what I have read on these forums would run a mile. You are allowed to find new love, it takes alot to merge two lots of children, there are fab days, sad days, happy days and totally fed up days. But if you have found another chance of happiness, stick with it and try to ride the storms out. Take care and good luck. x

Six years is also a very big age gap ... obviously the teenage hormones are raging in your boy, and he is expected to play with a 7-year old. Maybe it's not even (solely) the fact that this is your new partner's kid, but that he simply doesn't know what to do with him.

Have you tried to encourage him to invite a friend his age along to your "family" outings? He might not (yet) feel comfortable with this new family setup and feel more secure with a mate for backup there? Maybe he feels he is "betraying" his father and would feel better if the meetings were less "family-orientated" and more casual for the time being.