Christening - ex is maybe thinking of getting it done

[yerblurt]

Daughter (7yrs old) let slip today that mummy is thinking of getting her christened and rattled off a couple of people who would be her godparents (some of mummy's friends of course).

I am a fully-involved dad (me and the ex separated in 2004, divorced in 2007, there is a shared residence order in place for daughter and she lives her for 40% of the year, but over the weeks it's 4/14 overnights. Me and my partner have a 2yr old daughter, my daughter and her sibling get on like a house on fire)

Mum's dad is a vicar and the ex attends church when it suits her.

Which is a bit rich as she objected to my suggestion of a secondary C of E school (which is a little bit further away) as it was a religious school - but not as close as the local crappy academy school.

Not sure where this has come from - the ex's new fella is a bit of an unknown, whether it's come from him (unknown if he's religious) or the ex is playing "happy families" is also unknown.

When we were together we did discuss getting daughter christened but nothing came of it.

As it turns out I don't have any real objections to daughter being christened per se, just that of course, it should be a mutually discussed decision without riding roughshod over Parental Responsibility.

I feel a warning shot being fired across the ex's bows (again) enquiring about this christening that daughter has mentioned, whether it is true and if so what sort of discussion there is going to be. Also I could suggest some god-parents from the paternal side of the family !!!

I think you have every right to ask your Ex what the plans are, and put forward God parents.
I would not consider planning something without talking it through with my sons dad,
Takes two people to make a child and I think it should be both parents making choices for that child

Unbelievable.

The ex has gone and had it done.

Daughter was dropped off at the ex's this morning and they were going to see the grandparents for the weekend as they haven't been able to over christmas and new year due to the weather.

Spoke to daughter just now on the phone and she told me that she has been christened at 4pm. Who did it? Why grandfather of course (remember he's the vicar).

Words fail me.

I spoke to the ex and asked her some pertinent questions;

• why daughter has been baptised - because she was never baptised as a child

• why ex thought it appropriate for this to be done without any consultation with the child's father - ex thought I wouldn't mind when I pointed out I would have liked to be involved she muttered some answers about I don't go to church etc

• who were the godparents? the ex's sister and a couple of her schoolmates.

• I pointed out that it would have be appropriate for the father to be consulted as maybe some of the fathers side would have liked to be godparents (my cousin actually would have been a good choice)

• I pointed out to the ex that in my view she has acted completely inappropriately, not in child's best interests and does she think that it was OK to do all of this without my knowledge or involvement and to find out 2nd hand from the child? The ex muttered something again "I suppose so".

So I'm pretty p*ssed off. That a so-called man of the cloth can do this - fully well knowing my involvement as a father.

Is there any procedure for complaint that anyone knows of? I may have to follow this up with the CoE to find out their procedures about such matters (but of course they will probably protect their own).

Unbelievable.

Unbelievable.

The ex has gone and had it done.

Daughter was dropped off at the ex's this morning and they were going to see the grandparents for the weekend as they haven't been able to over christmas and new year due to the weather.

Spoke to daughter just now on the phone and she told me that she has been christened at 4pm. Who did it? Why grandfather of course (remember he's the vicar).

Words fail me.

I spoke to the ex and asked her some pertinent questions;

• why daughter has been baptised - because she was never baptised as a child

• why ex thought it appropriate for this to be done without any consultation with the child's father - ex thought I wouldn't mind when I pointed out I would have liked to be involved she muttered some answers about I don't go to church etc

• who were the godparents? the ex's sister and a couple of her schoolmates.

• I pointed out that it would have be appropriate for the father to be consulted as maybe some of the fathers side would have liked to be godparents (my cousin actually would have been a good choice)

• I pointed out to the ex that in my view she has acted completely inappropriately, not in child's best interests and does she think that it was OK to do all of this without my knowledge or involvement and to find out 2nd hand from the child? The ex muttered something again "I suppose so".

So I'm pretty p*ssed off. That a so-called man of the cloth can do this - fully well knowing my involvement as a father.

Is there any procedure for complaint that anyone knows of? I may have to follow this up with the CoE to find out their procedures about such matters (but of course they will probably protect their own).

Unbelievable.

I am sorry but your Ex sounds a selfish cow to exclude you and your side of the family from your own child's christening.

I think you need to have a very long talk about this, i am sure she would not like it if you took such a big think and did it all behind her back....(maybe you should, conformation at 11)

Isn't conformation RC? Daughter is now baptised into CoE

No, C of E have a confirmation ceremony as well. I was confirmed when I was about 12. It's basically done when the child is old enough to make the decision for themselves, whereas baptism is usually done when children are babies. I attended classes with the local vicar for a couple of months before being confirmed.

If you feel strongly enough about it, and the grandfather is a practising vicar with a parish, you could write to his bishop to express your concerns about the way this has been handled. I think you would need to be very clear about what the ramifications of such a complaint might be, before you made the complaint though.

I responded to your other thread, but I'll say again that in my opinion this is unacceptable.

Confirmation is a sacrament in both the CofE and the RC churches, and generally happens when children are in their teens when the youngster has more say in whether to be confirmed or not.

I agree that it's unacceptable that your ex has done this behind your back.

However, if you have no faith etc does it really matter? Godparents role is to ensure that a child is brought up in the faith nothing more.

Really am shocked, at doing it without your involvement/parental ok and also the hypocrisy of it too, given her objections to a CofE education.

How does your dd feel about it?

I am DSD's step mum. I have faith and am an attender at friends meetings with DD.

DSD told me last night she was going to christened. I asked her when, she told me she did not know.
I asked her briefly this morning about God, Jesus and worship. She had no idea.

This evening we find out it has been done.

Last week DSD's mother cut us and most importantly DSD's sister out of her birthday party.

This week she has DSD christened with impunity.

I am really beside myself about this.

How long can one be tested, do the right thing, say nothing

We care for DSD, her verrucas(14 and counting), head lice(numerous infestations, always cleared by months of treatment here), rotten teeth (9 extracted this year due to decay), uncut nails(toe and nails, always),uncut hair (always, DP is the only parent who brings her to have her hair cut since I have known DSD) and DSD's education...
Mum sends her to a sink school because it is convenient, the least work geographically.

ho hum, I want the best for both DSD and DD, but my hands are tied for DSD sadly.

I seriously need to find a counsellor to deal with this fffed up stuff.

oh my god yerblurt you must be furious. My friends father is a cof e minister - I will ask him tomorrow if there is any recourse.

thank you prettyfly1 I would appreciate that

I think you should address this with the bishop tbh, also if your DD is in the state your wife says she is, head lice and so on how about SS? can you not go for full custody of your DD? It sounds like she would be better living with you and your wife

KimiLovesHerFamily-

The continual headlice infections went through a phase last year.

The continual non-cutting of nails, hair being washed once-per-week, hair never cut, daughter being dressed in clothes too small for her still goes on. Homework is never done, the ex stacking it up so it is attempted to be done when daughter is here for a short time. All of this still happens.

The ex is in the honeymoon period with some bloke she is involved with now. Unfortunately the ex has a pattern of going into crisis when her relationships break down. Then daughter gets really neglected (hair not washed, headlice, no food in the house, poor oral hygiene). So until then not much I can do really.

It's all just so frustrating and depressing seeing DD emotionally and physically neglected like this.

I now remember your thread about the headlice problems. The other examples of neglect sound equally horrible. As Kimi suggested, it sounds as though your daughter would be better cared for by you. Do you think you have enough evidence of past neglect to achieve full custody should the need arise? And what on earth are your ex's parents doing about this - don't they get to see the condition of your daughter when things are bad?

I feel really sad for your daughter. She deserves a better life than the one she's living at the moment.

Feel very sad for your daughter, if she told you about it beforehand it sounds like she would have liked you to be there. Maybe you could have your own special day with her to celebrate it? I still have a little necklace with a cross on it from mine x

My DH's ex did this.

First we heard about it was when DSD1 turned up with a necklace from her 'Godfather'.

AFAIK, DSD2 is to be baptised / confirmed too.

We won't (as usual) here anything about it.

It's wrong. Very wrong.

So did my dh's ex. Dh was the one with a faith but he wasn't even consulted, let alone invited. And then when we asked to keep dsd for a couple of hours longer one Christmas to take her to a carol concert at our church her mum laughed at him wanting to go.

It is so hard when something like this happens. I don't blame you for being pissed off.

There is certainly a pattern, though.

We've also been through the clothes too small phase (thankfully this has largely passed), teeth not being cleaned, kids turning up with headlice and homework that seems to get stored up but HAS to be done for when they get home.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

My DSDs are teens now and things are better. I hope things improve for your DD too.

Yerblurt, as far as my friends father is concerned, whilst the church would prefer both parents to be involved in their little ones religious upbringing and education, there is no legal precedent that says your permission has to be sought, as it is an induction to the house of god, not a binding legal contract. The churches point of view is that if that started there would be court cases for preventing/forcing church attendance for all religions and it would become a minefield of mammoth proportions so it wont get involved.

I am sorry not to have been able to give you better news.

p.s I loved the idea of a silver cross necklace. If she is the sort of little girl who looks after her possessions this is a very endearing idea.

thank you prettyfly for taking the time to find out and reply
Thank you, much appreciated