I don't think I can do this anymore

[LetsStartAgain]

I think, in the new year I am going to seriously consider throwing in the towel. I just can't do it anymore. Every day is like walking on egg shells. I find myself stressing out about the smallest thing because I know, although small, I'm absolutely POWERLESS to do anything about it because in this house, my opinion means nothing.

DSD lives with us, she's almost 13 and although deep down she's a good kid, I just find her so difficult to live with. I'm a very solitary person, as are my kids. So when my own kids come home from school, we have a chat, they do their homework, we have dinner and then they disapear upstairs for a few hours. DSD doesn't. She sits in the living room sprawled out on the sofa from the minute she gets in from school until she goes up to bed at 9pm.

I find that very difficult to live with. I know she's not actually doing anything wrong but it clashes with my personality. I just can't stand someone clinging 24/7.

DP is just as bad. If I go upstairs, he follows. If I go in the kitchen, he follows. If I'm going out, he insists on coming with me. I just get no time to myself.

Personal hygiene is a massive issue too. Dsd goes for days and days without showering so often stinks of sweat and stale urine. She leaves all her dirty clothes in massive piles in her bedroom for weeks and then brings them down and chucks them onto everyone elses washing. I recently found a used sanitary towel lying on DS's new pyjamas. DP doesn't think its a big deal but it makes me bolk and I find it so hard to deal with.

Then there's DP and his hypocritical stance on everything. He tells me I shouldn't be tidying my kids bedrooms yet tidies his daughters despite her being older than my kids. He tells me my son is cheeky yet stands there whilst his daughter screams at him "DO IT NOW!! I CAN'T WAIT!!! IT NEEDS DOING NOW!!! HELLO??? NOW!!!" etc

He's so petty too. A few days before christmas, the kids were told to get a biscuit each out of the bicuit barrel. Turns out there were only half biscuits in there but DS1 and DSD got a few anyway. When it came to DS2 going in, there were none left so I opened up a new packet. THEY ALL HAD THE SAME AMMOUNT, just that DS1 and DSD got halfs.

Anyway, despite none of the kids being bothered by this, DP ran to the kitchen and got the packet of biscuits out, handed DSD another whole biscuit and said "there, now its fair". She just stood there all confused. I said "what are you on about?" so he said "well, if DS2 is getting full biscuit, why should she have halfs?" ??? wtf and he argued his point until even his own daughter walked off in embarrassment, giving my kids some of her own personal sweets to make up for it.

Another example, christmas day. All the kids got new slippers. DS2 was stood there in his so I said "here DS, let me have a photo of your funny slippers"

DP then panicked and said "DD stand over there and lets have a photo of YOUR slippers too". He said it as if I was displaying another of my wicked step mother moments but I was only taking a fucking photo of a pair of slippers.

Well, I've just had enough. I'm not cut out for all this compromise and sacrifice and understanding and whatever else. I've tried and its just not working. I admire those of you that can stick it out. I'm holding up the white flag

The kids take turns with the washing up but when its DSD's turn, you can guarantee DP will find a reason to "swap nights" so she doesn't have to do it.

And whilst everyone else just got on with this rule as soon as it was brought in, DSD had to "wait" until pink rubber gloves had been bought as she couldn't possibly do it without like everyone else.

I don't mean to sound resentful. I'm just sick of everything revolving around her, often at the expense of my own kids.

Obviously this has all got completely out of hand and it is going to be difficult to get your DSD to stop living right bang in the middle of your family like this and putting her back in her proper place.

However, I wonder whether she has other issues apart from general teenagerishness. Why does she need to be in the middle of everything and to dominate family life like this?

She might feel more loved and cared for if she was put back in her proper place as a child.

Good grief, I can't believe that she "couldn't be bothered" to straighten her hair in her own room, when she had to make double the journey to get the straighteners and then bring them down, and then take them back up again!

Is she worried that her Dad is going to do a flit on her if she lets him out of her eyesight?

TBH, OP - it does sound rather like you have more issues with your DP than your DSD but it appears as though you don't want to raise those issues and are transferring your frustration with your DP onto your DSD.

The thing is you're not going to get anywhere with correcting her behaviour if her Dad isn't on your side.

It sounds to him like the issues are with him. There shouldn't be one rule for his daughter and another for your children.

If he isn't willing to compromise, it wont work.

I would talk rainbow, but he won't! he'd just sit there in silence all night ror waffle on about the new ffing laptop that DSD is getting (which has dominated conversation now for months).

Teenagers are selfish and churlish by nature, though.
(And lovely and helpful and kind and fun too!)

It's your DP that is allowing her behaviour to impact on you all.
He needs to deal with it.
So he is your problem, not her, imo.

And she is only very young - she is probably finding all the same problems with adjusting that you are, but just expressing her feelings in a less mature way.

Honestly, I've tried to address it. The hygiene thing, I told DP "she NEEDS to be getting a shower at LEAST every other day" - especially on a period when it should be EVERY day!! Last time she was on a period, she went the entire time without a shower.

I've told him about the living room thing, his excuse is "well her room is small" - my kids have to share a bloody room but they manage!

Lots of children and teenagers have small rooms. Tough. Their rooms are where they must do their personal stuff, be that grooming treatments or homework.

However, you can ensure that you help her keep her room clean and tidy (at 13 she is too young to be expected to be 100% responsible for this) and you and your DP are responsible for ensuring her clothes are clean - it is not DSD's fault if her dressing gown hasn't been washed.

My issues are not with her, they are with DP allowing it to continue when he knows how much it is getting to me.

We are supposed to be booking a family holiday and we decided on Florida. Excellent choice for kids, right? well DD reacted like this:

"Florida? no chance in hell. There is no way on earth I will ever step foot in america. There is nothing there for ME. Its boring and I hate americans. I'm not going."

"ok DSD, can YOU suggest a nice holiday for us all?"

"yes, Paris. There is loads there I want to see"

"But the holiday is not all about YOU though is it, we need somewhere we will all like"

"But its so unfair!!! I have NEVER been out of the country and your kids have ... TWICE...HOW IS THAT EVEN FAIR??? I DONT CARE WHAT THEY WANT TO DO BECAUSE THEY'VE HAD HOLIDAYS BEFORE, THIS ONE SHOULD BE MY CHOICE"

needless to say, I no longer want to go ANYWHERE with either of them because all that will happen is she will whinge and moan 24/7 and DP will pander to her every whim. My own kids will blur into oblivion again whilst DSD retains the spotlight.

To be fair to your DSD, Paris is an excellent family destination!

If you're rich maybe, yeah! lol

On the contrary, Paris is a great destination if you don't want to spend too much money! Lots of lovely very cheap public transport and plenty of free or very cheap cultural outings.

Yeah, well to be honest I do fancy seeing Paris sometime but DP doesn't want to go and neither do my kids.

I just wanted somewhere we all want to go as it's likely to be our last holiday for quite a while.

Well, it was anyway. I don't think I'll be around that long anymore.

Yes, why no dump him, to be honest. They say you can't choose your family: well in this case you can. Result!

LOL awesomewellies, you do have a point I suppose!

I can so much relate to where you are coming from ... my DD9 (who happens to have not only the biggest room in our house, but a smaller adjacent one plus her own shower room) used to always play down in the living/dining room (about 1/2 the size of her room). She'd invite her mates over, and here they were, sitting on the floor with all their stuff spread out.

I am all for family life, but that's not what your DSD wants ... she is doing her own stuff in the communal area.

I had a talk with my DD9, walked her around our house and showed her the amount of space she has got and the amount of space my partner (who stays here most of the time) and I got.

We came up with some rules together ... until 8pm DD can choose what she wants to watch on TV ... after 8 the adults choose. If it is appropriate then she can watch with us until bedtime, if not then she is free to watch a video in her room (no TV connection there, I want to see what she watches). Or read a book or play on her laptop.

We have a box in our living room, and everything that belongs to her goes straight into the box when she is done. Every couple of days I carry it upstairs for her, and she is to sort it back in where it belongs.

As for the tidying up of her room ... I will help her, but I am not going to do it for her. She washes her own stuff (along with ours) ... i.e. at 9 years old she knows to sort it, check the labels and switch on the washing machine. That's one of her tasks in our house, and she is very proud of knowing how to use a washing machine. Maybe show your DSD how to do it ... empowering her to know something the younger kids don't!

Any laundry she leaves around goes straight onto her bed ... and (I know this sounds gross, but very effective) I would do the same with her sanitary towels if she had them. My au-pair once left hers (wrapped in toilet paper) on my DD's desk (!!!!!) ... I took a pair of plastic gloves and arranged it nicely on the au-pair's pillow! She never did it again.

Your problem is that DSD is as needy as her Dad ... but you can ask both of them for some space when you need it ... ask DSD that you want 30 minutes to sort out something, could she maybe wash the dishes whilst you are doing your stuff, and when you are both done you will do this, that and the other with her because she kindly saved you some time doing whatever chore you gave her.

Hello again, Boxroom Troll

Referring to whom, Longtalljosie?

I can't see a problem with her hanging out in the living room ..I kinda like it when my teenage ds is in there with us

The different attitudes to personal space are very hard to handle. But do you think your step-dd is unusually clingy because her parents split up and she's insecure?

Tbh, sounds like it's dp you need to kick into touch. Or throw out. Or you leave.

I'm not a troll. Yes I've posted a lot on the same subject but I've never ignored advice. Just tried to implement it, tried to make it work and failed.

Edam, I think the issue is that before we came along, she pretty much ruled everything and DP let her. When we first moved in, the living room was full of her ornaments and all her stuff. She ate what she liked, DP would run around after her and get her drinks etc ... if they were both sat there watching TV she would often say "dad, can you go and get my pen from my room?" and he would go!

I would insist on her bathing/showering every day but I can see nothing wrong with her wanting to spend time in the living room or straightening her hair there. What's wrong with that???

She sounds quite depressed, poor girl. She probably realises that you all secretly hate her!

Letsstartagain, you certainly have ignored advice, because on the first thread I remember, the advice you got was overwhelmingly telling you not to move in with him.

I'm going to be harsh now...you have been unhappy for ages, you come on here and complain but you do nothing about it. If you were my friend in RL I'd tell you to shit or get off the pot.

So is it his house or yours? I'm not clear.