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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How Would You Take This?

10 replies

midori1999 · 26/12/2009 10:34

Sorry for all the threads...

DH is with DSC at the moment for Christmas. He told them a few days ago they were expecting a new brother or sister next August, and when I spoke to him he said they sounded very pleased about it. We had been very worried they, especially 17 year old DSD, would take it badly.

Yesterday I spoke to DSC, and neither mentioned the baby. Now, DSS is 13, and I expect was too 'busy' with his new stuff to really speak to me, but I chatted to DSD for a while, and even asked her if her Dad had mentioned that her Uncle and Aunt who are newly maried are expecting a baby, which he hadn't. (men! ) However, she still didn't mention I was pregnant.

I am worried that they, especially DSD, aren't as happy about it as DH thinks, but are trying to keep him happy. (they frequently do this, their mother has put all sorts of guilt on them and they feel obliged to keep everyone happy)

I have suggested to DH that he has another chat with the DSC and explains that if they have any worries/problems with us having a baby that he won't be at all upset and it is best to discuss them. He however, says they are fine about it and they just didn't mention the baby ont hephone because they were thinking about Christmas.

Do you think DSD especialyl nto mentioning it means she might not be as happy as DH thinks she is?

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giddyupRudolph · 26/12/2009 10:43

When I was in the same position, the DSC were younger (11 and 9). They were both pleased about the baby but neither spoke about it much (or even at all!) They both bought him presents when he was born. I wouldn't worry, it's probably just not a big deal to them. Especially if your DSD is 17 she was probably was expecting it anyway. Next time you're on the phone to her, why don't you bring it up with her directly? Not to make a big deal about it, but just try and get her involved. Something like "you're going to have to help us out with names for the baby, you've got a better idea of what's popular these days"

HerBeatitude · 26/12/2009 11:02

She's 17. She's just not that interested in talking about a baby that's months off.

IMO.

Don't worry. Congratulations.

Original poster

midori1999 · 26/12/2009 11:49

Thankyou.

The thing is, there have been other things going on recently, where DSD has apprently told her Mum that her Dad doesn't love her any more and is moving on with his life, that I ignore her, that her Dad only married me because DSD told me her dad nevr wanted to get married again and so I made him, that I am 'mean' to her dad as I 'make' him do laundry etc, that she thinks her Dad isn't actually her Dad, that she doesn't want to visit here anymore, that we invited her brother to live here and not her. There has also been quiite a lot of trouble in her home life/relationship with her Mum, and she is being very promiscuous and putting herself on webcam porn sites.

Now, none of that is the case, and we are currently unsure how much of it DSD has said/felt and how much her Mum has exaggerated or made up, as DSD is telling her father (in her Mother's prescence) that she didn't say any of that, but I can't help feel it has a bearing on her not mentioning the baby, and I can't help but worry for DSD.

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ThumbleBells · 26/12/2009 12:31

sounds tricky. But if she is going to say things to keep you happy, you can't achieve anything by asking her again if she's ok with it - she will say what she thinks you want to hear. But if she IS unhappy about it, she will view it as you harping on about it.

In the end, you can't make her be happy about it - so long as you don't change your attitude to her and continue to make her feel part of your family, that's the best you can do and the rest is up to her. So I think you'd be best off concentrating on yourself and your pregnancy and letting it go. Congratulations, btw.

mrsjammi · 28/12/2009 13:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SpringBlossom · 01/01/2010 11:48

I think she's 17 and has a lot of other stuff going on in her life tbh and it probably isn't it a priority for her in the way it is for you. I would do as someone else suggested and bring it up and see how she responds. I think sometimes it can be embarrassing for teenagers to think that their parents may be having sex and there's no greater proof of that than a new baby on the way.

My SKs live with us and their mum had a new baby this year; they were very disinterested during the pregnancy but keen as mustard to see new baby once it arrived. But, tbh, now it's old hat and they're much more interested in what's going on in their own lives. They're not heartless they're just kids who don't live with their mum and are occupied with other stuff most of the time.

Sounds like your SD is having a hard time at the moment - it's tough being 17 at the best of times, but more so when you've got step families and all sorts of conflicting emotions - both yours and everybody else's. I would cut her some slack, bring up the baby in conversation as and when you would naturally and try not to read to much into how she responds. You may find when the baby arrives it bonds you. Or not. Whatever happens, you will have your own bundle of joy!

Original poster

midori1999 · 03/01/2010 16:22

Thanks. I appreciate DSC will not be that interested int he pregnancy, and that is fine, I understand it's not that interesting to kids. It was more a case of me worrying that she'd be concerned over it and think it might mean her Dad wouldn't love her anymore etc. She is very insecure, desperate for her own Mum's attention and according to her Mother has already said she thiks her Dad has mvoe don with his life and doesn't care aout her anymore. (SD absolutely denies this, along with a lot of other stuff her Mum claims she has said, she doesn't have a great relationshp with her Mum)

Husband spoke to DSD about it again and she says she is hapy and hopes it's a girl, as she only has a brother and Step brothers. She said she didn't mention it as she felt awkward and wasn't sure what to say. DH and I are working on getting her to realise it is fine for her to have her own opinion on things and not to agree with others all the time and hopefully to open up a bit more.

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harimosmummy · 04/01/2010 12:55

I wouldn't worry about it. It sounds good...

my DH took my DSDs out alone to tell them about our DS. They were Ok with it... but didn't mention it when they got back (so much so, that I had to ask DH if he had told them! )

I think they were a bit embarassed, a bit unsure what to say (and DH and I had been together 8 years at this point)

Now, they get on with DS (now 18months) brilliantly and with DD (now 5 months) but I don't expect them to do anything with / for my kids and I expect they don't talk about them when their mother is about.

they are teenagers - I don't think they are being mean, but they have far more important things to worry about!!

And congratulations!

Original poster

midori1999 · 04/01/2010 14:35

Thanks.

Just to point out, I never suspected they were being 'mean', I was more worried DSD had been affected negatively by the news.

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harimosmummy · 04/01/2010 14:46

I think it's a case of actions speak louder than words at times like this.

I am sure my DSDs got the whole 'daddy won't love you the same' but we made sure that they continued to have bedrooms, we didn't cut money etc.,

It didn't take them long to realise that there were only positives.

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