DSD has gone to pieces over news that I am pg

[Dairylea]

Hi all - I haven't posted much up on her for a while, as it was all going well....! DP and I got engaged last week which is obv v exciting and was partly done because I am pg, although v early stages and no guarantees as yet. DP went last weekend to tell his dd, who is 17, and very close to, the news. We stupidly thought that it would be better to tell her now that I was pg rather than leave it just another 3 weeks more as she would realise that we knew when we told her we were engaged. She was Ok with the marriage thing but has totally gone to pieces about the baby. Says it has destroyed her r/ship with her dad, he is nothing to her now, has broken her heart, how could we do this to her, yet another thing to deal with etc. It's all rather Greek (like a classic tragedy story I mean). I feel that she may get over this and was due to let a lot of hurt out at some point because it was inevitable she would eventually get angry with her dad for leaving. The extra problem is that the ex is an alcoholic, who although she has just admitted this, is still boiling angry and her dd is worried that this news is going to tip her over the edge. We still have to tell the ex and the 11 ds.

I don't know what to think. It's really taken the edge off any excitement that i felt about the wedding or being pg. I don't particularly feel like telling anyone the news as they are all so sweet and wanting to celebrate - but we can't tell them about the dsd reacting so badly as that would mean telling them I'm pg, which we can't. I feel like texting her and saying if you want this to split us up, then you might do, only it will leave your dad heartbroken, homeless and even more broke (his business went down at the beginning of the year and if it hadn't been for me and my flat, covering all our expenses he wouldn't have been able to earn all the money that pays alimony, their mortgage, school fees etc).

I feel a bit "why me" and yet I should be really happy. I am quite a good person I think! It wasn't me that broke up the marriage and yet now we are being punished. Are we just feeling sorry for ourselves? And will the anger of the ex EVER end? (She's kept it up for 3 years now.) Poor dp is just devastated about his girl. Can't bear it for him.

Sorry lovely mn's for such a long one - just had to get it off my chest somewhere.

What a shame.
The daughter has obviously had an attack of the Green Eyed Monster and nothing more.
She's not going to be daddy's special girl any more (although she's 17 and needs to grow up a bit).
The baby is going to get all of daddy's love and attention and will have her nose put out of joint.
Speak to daughter and remind her that she is equally loved and cared for.
Wait till the baby arrives, and get her involved as much as possible. Even take her to an ante-natal class with you or a scan? Let her know that she's part of this family regardless.
Show to her, her new little brother/sister on the screen.
She might just change her mind and grow up into the young lady she should be, instead of behaving like a spoilt little moo!

(Sorry to sound harsh but I guess you will agree to some extent).

"her dd is worried that this news is going to tip her over the edge"

That doesn't sound like a 'spoilt little moo' to me.

I don't know the answer but I always feel a bit sorry for the children in this sort of situation. Why should she be happy? It's not her that made the choices.

I know - I don't think she is being spoilt. The reason we thought she would be happy (or at least OK after a period of adjustment) was that she is so close to her dad, that he knew that this wouldn't put her out of place at all. Also I get on with her really well. Of course was already planning to get her involved as much as possible, take her to scans etc. But it's the issue of the mum that is difficult. She's waiting to find out her mum's reaction and that's pretty tense. We've told her that we're lining up friends to be there for her mum (ie getting involved as much as we can considering that they are divorced and we can't actually be too control-freakish about it) so that it's not her responsibility. I don't actually blame her for her reaction, I jsut wondered if anyone else had experienced it and how long it took to recover.

Sorry dairylea - I sort of replied to wkd rather than you. I do feel sorry that she has rained on your parade It should be a 100% happy time.

Oh poor you Dairylea. It sounds like that wasn't the reaction you were expecting. I wonder if it's not that she isn't going to be pleased about the baby, more that she's aware that there is going to be a reaction from her mum and that puts her in a difficult position where she wants to be loyal to both parents and to you? Maybe you just need to give her a bit of time? I wouldn't go sending any texts at the moment, and I would try not to react to what she's said. If it were dsd I'd be getting her on her own and having chat to see if I could get to the bottom of what she is really feeling.

Oh and congratulations .

Can't help with a 17 year old but my much younger step daughter (sorry can't remember all the abbrievations!) had a complete flip out when we told her I was pregnant - along the lines of your SD (albeit mine is 8 years younger!).

Once her younger sister was born, she totally changed, realising that a tiny baby has a completely different relationship with her dad than a grown up child. My advice is to ride it out the best you can, don't rub her nose in it too much and you may be surprised at her reaction once her new sibling arrives.....

I agree with Jammi.
You are not responsible for your DSD's mother or her actions. I think its really out of order of your DSD to throw that at you.
I also think your DSD has been really mean and immature to emotionally blackmail you like this.
Detach, detach, detach is my advice. You cannot do anything about your DSD's reaction so just let it be. Do not text her or get upset. If she does not want to know her sibling, it's her loss. I suspect though she will want to know once the baby is born.
However in the meantime ignore this bad behaviour and concentrate on you and your baby and the people who are excited about your little one. This is a special time, let no one ruin for you!

Thank you all - you have made me feel better. Thank goodness for mn!

Thanks mrsjammi - that's reassuring to hear that she may come round and even if she doesn't, as you say, we just have to keep doing the right thing. I think that she will (promise frosty, I won't be sending any texts) as fundamentally she and her dad are close.

Will feel a lot better once the ex and, more importantly, dss know. Then at least we'll know what the reactions are and can just get on with managing them.

In the meantime, will try to focus on xmas and other happy news!

Glad your feeling a little better Dairylea! Just keep on taking care of yourself and take it easy

Thanks too tootingbec - I think you're right. She'll see that a tiny one simply won't have the same relationship. DSD has said that everyone will look at the new baby as a new family and she will no longer be 'the first', which is quite telling. She's always found it a bit difficult with her younger brother (who is more naturally outgoing and as much younger tends to be the focus of attention) so I think this has stirred up complicated feelings about siblings generally. Plus she has a very bad relationship with her mother, while feeling responsible for her - so I do feel for her. She feels isolated. I wish frosty we could take her to one side but as yet she's refusing to see us.

Thanks too elenor - am going to take your advice and do my best to detach! We will just let her know that we are still here for her when she chooses to come back.

I don't think she's being that unreasonable - but then I can very much see her point of view.

I lived with my dad and step-mum (self, DB, DSB) and I was terrified that they would have a baby. I felt that if that happened I would be completely pushed out and irrelevant, and there would be no one there to care for me.

I was lucky (for me, not necc for them) and they didn't. But I suspect your DSD has some of the same sorts of fears. It sounds as though she is looking after her mother (interestingly, my mother is also an alcoholic) and so, perhaps, the only person who is looking after her is her dad. No wonder she's afraid of losing him too. She perhaps feels that she is going to be on her own in the world, and no one cares (it's easy enough to feel that way when you're 17 at the best of times, never mind with babies, divorce and alcoholism to condend with too).

I think you are all being really a bit harsh. Divorce is SHITE for children, it is a horrible thing to live through, and no wonder step children play up a bit. Just get on with your life is a bit mean, she's not much more than a child and needs help and understanding. I know you're not her parent, OP, but I think you could perhaps help her dad reassure her a bit. And she's not out of order throwing it at you (or, at least, her dad). You're the grown up, she isn't. She needs some sympathy.

And so, no, don't text her. The last thing she needs is a tonne extra of adult guilt to add to her troubles.

You have my sympathy dairyla. Hubby and I are TTC our first child together, and I suspect DSD, who is also 17, will react badly to it. She is having some other problems, so it is bad timing, but I am not getting any younger.

17 is old enough to drive a car and it is almost old enough to be viewed as an adult. WHilst I can understand you SD's feelings, her behaviour is unnacceptable and we have to learn life isn't always rosy and wonderful and we can't always get what we want. I am sure she will come round in time, just ignoring her behaviour and quietly and inconspiculously reassurring her is probably the best way to go.

Sixfold - I never had any intention of texting her! I was just feeling a bit overwhelmed by my sadness that she was so unhappy at a time when we really felt that it was all coming together. Of course divorce is shite - I know, I'm the child of divorced parents and my mum was ill and I was the one looking after her. So I know the place she's in - that's why she and I do get on - she's told me that I understand her and she appreciates that. But I also think that I have to both give her the space to be angry and also be allowed to celebrate my own happiness, which has been a while a-coming...

But I will take your advice - we keep reassuring her that she is not going to be left alone to cope with her mum and that she will still have her dad. He really DOES love her! Is broken hearted at the moment as they have never even had a spat, let alone her refusing to see or talk to him.

Anyway - deep breaths. It will get better. Midori - I'll keep you posted! (Appreciate the not getting younger bit - that's why we had to get on with it and not wait until she'd finished school etc).

Dairylea- my ds flipped out when we told him we were pregnant,( with his step dad) he was nearly 12. He changed his tune very quickly when his friend(13) pointed out adults choose when they have children not kids, and to stop being stupid! He now adores his little sister.

Thanks mrsjammi - I think you're right. They'll come round when the little one appears. At one point dsd said "now I don't have any choice" - and I did think, well, no, you never would have had. That might sound harsh but as you say, the adults have to make these decisions not the choices.

Anyway - the ex finds out tonight. DP has written her a letter, which he'll give her when he picks up his son. Her best friend is on standby and that's all we can do. We're telling dss about the wedding tmw and the baby on fri, just to stagger the news a bit. Thought best not to do it immediately as we haven't seen him for a while (I haven't seen him since half term) and so we can re-bond first.

Wish us luck!

Thanks again to you all for your advice and thoughts. It's really helped so much.

Dairylea I have been in your shoes, luckily my DH ex was very positive about my DD and very much pitched it as "you are going to have a new sister!" although I am sure she was worried deep down. This makes such a difference to their reaction. My DSD was the same age and it is a lot to take in but she must 9and will) realise that it doesn't mean her dad will stop loving her. But please don't let it stop you feeling joy at being PG. That is really not fair, her comments about "tipping over the edge" and "no choice" need to be met with firm reassurance and love from your DH.

My DSD loves Dd to bits and they spend time together cuddling and playing. They have a wonderful bond.

Move on with your life. Congratulations on your PG and engagement. This really is a special time for YOU and your DH

I think older children often don't react very well to the news of a new sibling - even if it is a full sibling iyswim.... throw in teenage angst, worries about her mother, probably unresolved stuff about her dad leaving, etc and it's not surprising she has reacted this way.

I know someone whose parents split up when she was late teens and when her father remarried someone who already had a daughter a similar age, my friend openly admits it took her a long time to stop feeling jealous about her new stepsister.

Sorry if I was a bit brusque - it definitely wasn't aimed at you Dairylea, but I was a bit surprised at how little sympathy DSD was getting from everyone here.

Of course you all have every right to your happiness, no one would ever take that away from you, but she also has a right to her feelings.

One of the things I found hardest as SD was not being allowed to be upset and angry when that was exactly how I felt. There's a lot of pressure to fit in and pretend that it is all for the best, and I, for one, found it really hard to do when I was seething with upset. Yes, you are the adults and you have every right to do what you want - but as the adults you also have to recognise that these choices might not make everyone as happy as you'd like them to. I think OrmIrian hit the nail on the head there.

And so to dismiss her actions as 'jealousy' or 'being a silly moo' or 'unacceptable' is really unfair to her. As I said in my first post, I think she is in a particularly insecure and frankly rather horrible place right now (esp with her mother only just admitting she is an alcoholic). So she is probably feeling seriously undermined by this new baby as a last straw, and will take a while to come round. That's not to say that she won't love the baby, just that she's got a lot of fear and insecurity to get through before she gets there. Had you thought about counselling for her - I think talking to someone neutral would probably be a good idea, even with just her dad leaving and her mum to deal with.

Mrs Jammi - I understand what you're saying, but I'm also posting from someone who's done three years of therapy to try and understand the dynamics of my family and my feelings at the time. Perhaps I would have loved the baby, who knows? But at the time it was announced, I am pretty sure that I would have felt much like Dairylea's DSD, if not more so. I was just trying to give you some understanding of what it feels like from the other side of the fence so to speak.

And I really do hope all your families turn out better than mine did. But then I think most of you sound much nicer than my step-mother, so they probably will.

My dad left when I was 6 (the youngest of 4), when I was 11, he & his new wife had a baby.

I was devastated at first, because I had 'lost' him to another woman & now I was going to 'lose' him again to a baby.

I don't think age matters here, tbh! Her dad left, her mum is barely there & now there is to be a new baby in the mix...very hard & confusing IMO. Just as any child would feel, of any age when a new baby is introduced.

I believe part of it may be pushing boundaries.

I loved it when my younger sister was born, stepmum really helped me to get involved when I visited & I still had one on one time with dad.

I think I would just keep trying. Invite her to scans, shopping for baby stuff etc. Lots of reassurance about her place in the family.

Sixfold thank you for your message - I do understand some of what you would have gone through, both on my own part and now DSDs. And as I said before, I don't at all blame her for her reaction. We will try and encourage her to therapy - have suggested it before but she has been resistant. And I think everyone else's reaction is because, well...most of us try so hard to do right but in these situations it's impossible to do right by everyone. Ultimately someone always feels hurt and that can be hard to deal with because that's not how you wanted your life to turn out - that your happiness always means someone feels shit. Sometimes you just want to shut that out and enjoy what you have got or it will be obliterated.

She will move through it eventually, I'm sure, and in the meantime we will keep constantly reassuring her that we love her.

Tonight the ex will know......tmw dss (11). Fingers and toes are crossed for best possible outcome.....