New mum and step mum

[onionlove]

hi everyone

If anyone has advice for me that would be great. My first baby is due anytime (currently one day over) and I'm getting stressed about having SD over at Christmas. I suppose part of the reason is selfish that I want to be able to relax and enjoy baby with DH on our own without him having to drive around and without the added responsibility of entertaining SD (she is 10). The other is the last few Christmases have involved trouble with his ex and general emotional turmoil so I am fearing the worst again this year. SD is sweet and no trouble a little spoiled but hey, I just don't know why I can't get past this occupying my thoughts when I should be concentrating on baby.

I know its a small thing compared to what others have to deal with at Christmas and I know when I married DH that he had SD I just wish I could stop this bothering me so much

Can anyone understand or offer advice?

Thanks x

I know when my two dd's got a brother i really tryed to make sure that my dd's sm knew that as far as I was concerned I would also tell the dd's he was their brother and to get involved. sm would let dd1 aged 12 help to look after her new baby and let him sleep in dd1 's bedroom for a few hours etc to make sure that all the three dc bonded.

I think as much as it can the three dc have bonded and several years on they do get ontogether.

If you include your step daughter in her new sibling arriaval you may fid you get 30 minutes peace here and there as sd helps out.

One thing I really hate is when my dd2 comes home and say she is apparently spoilt - she isn't but new sm tells dd she is spoilt.

How exciting, your first child on the way

When DD was born, DSS (then 16) was adament that he was going to come and stay for the week. I really did not want him here, and felt terribly guilty about it. I was convinced that his mother was basically coercing him to come just to piss me off! However, I had to relent (how could I say that he wasn't welcome in his father's house?), but I gave him very strict rules about what he would do when he was here: he would help with the laundry, he had to keep the dishwasher stacked/washed/unloaded, tidy up after himself, etc.

He was an absolute star that week he was here. DH had just started a new job, and had to work away from home the week following DD's birth. DSS really helped during that time. He came with me to the supermarket - just having him there, getting the trolley, etc., was so helpful and somehow reassuring - who knew how scary your first trip to Sainsbury's would be with a newborn?! More than this though, that first week he spent here meant that he really bonded with DD. Very important really. DSS is now 19 and we hardly see him

I personally think that you should try and involve her DSD as much as you think you can. She is old enough to be able to help out, to hold the baby while you have a shower, etc. I am sure she will love her new half-sibling, and the more you can do to encourage that bond, the better imo.

Best of luck with everything - look forward to seeing the birth announcement

I think from a female point of view we always imagined we would be the only woman to have children with the man of our dreams.

However in todays society that's not necessarily the case and along with overwhelming feelings related to pregnancy we are also tinged with feelings of maybe jealousy or something else unsettling relating to our step children that reminds us at this special time that our babies are not the only babies our partner has.

However when you get involved with a man with children from a previous relationship it helps to build up the relationship with his children in order to move on with your lives and create your own family harmoniously. It may feel strange or unsettling but if you just take it one day at a time and assume that you stepchild will love your baby it makes it easier to cope with.

I treat all our children equally. I love my own children unconditionally and love my ss's deeply but not like my own, they have their own mum for that. Time will help you adjust but the feeling may continue to rear itself from time to time. It usually means you are out of your comfort zone with something - like now, you are due to have your first baby.

I hope everything goes well for you for the birth and you may be surprised at how helpful your SD proves to be. Relax, allow yourself time to get over the birth and call upon everyone who wants to help you recover - it will all aid to make things easier.

Best of luck - I still hate the emotional turmoil and confrontation involved in trying to cope with a spiteful ex, but it does get better wih time. You need to get some ground rules in place - if she starts, give her one polite warning and then hang up/walk away. You need to emtionally disconnect from it all so you can stay calm for the baby.

Have you discussed it with DH? Just so you're both prepared for an reaction - our Ex stopped all contact for over 6 weeks after our DS was born.

onionlove, I really sympathise with how you're feeling - I remember feeling quite stressed about the whole situation when I was pg, DSD was 9 when I had my first DS, then 11 with my second.

I think that you become so completely tuned into your baby that anything outside of that seems like an intrusion. I remember having a long chat with a friend, saying how difficult it was to have DSD on the 'outside', etc. I didn't say it, but I remember at the time thinking that I almost wished she wasn't there, that I'd rather it was simpler, tidier, just me and DH with our baby. In actual fact, DSD is amazing, and every time she is with us it is always the most fantastic help. My DSs are now 2 & 4, and she adores them, they adore her, we always get a break when she's here because she genuinely helps to look after them. And the boys absolutely love having an older sister who is sometimes here with us.

I think the thing that helped me most was to remember that the situation is not my/your DSD's fault - she is the child in this messy adult situation, so you really must do everything you can to welcome her, and keep her included in the new baby's arrival. And really don't worry about having her around, it'll be the most wonderful thing to see her with her brother/sister.

Sorry for long post - complicated situation - good luck!!

onionlove I understand too.
I felt so vulnerable when I was due to give birth.
The only person's who was allowed near me in the first week were my DP and my 2 very close friends.
DSD came to see DD with her mum, I left the room so DSD could see DD, I felt hurt that DSD's mum was there too but felt I had to accept that. I knew DP would protect our DD.

I also wanted none of my biological family their in the first few days.

It is such a vulnerable time, do what you want for you and your baby. If you don't want people there even close family, get those wishes respected.

Just my thoughts :-)

I felt exactly the same as you - my SD was 8 when my DD was born back in April. I just wanted to be alone with my husband and new baby - as if my SD never existed. She can be a bit of a handful (real daddy's girl) but like many of the other posts here, she turned out to be really helpful and it was nice to share some of the caring for my DD with her. However, on saying that, I was relieved when my DH took her off for 4 days on holiday and left me alone with my mum!

Hi everyone

I have been Reading all your messages from before and I'm still struggling. Baby arrived just before Christmas and the weekend we brought him home we had SD over and to me it just felt like I wanted the time in our own.

I was hoping the feelings of wanting to share that everyone describes would kick in but they haven't. Its pathetic I know but my hackles rise when SD is near DS and I just feel jealous and left out all over again. Everyone keeps asking about SD and whether she likes baby and I just want to say "I dont care". I know this isn't a good attitude and I sjouke encourage the bonding. As I have needed to sleep during the day because baby isn't sleeping much at night DH and SD take baby out together and I hate it as I just get the night shift and feel left out of the nice things. I get annoyed when SD won't leave baby alone and keeps stroking and kissing him and calling him the nicknames me and DH use. I know I may regret posting this as it sounds so selfish but I wish I didn't feel like this and hope someone out there may understand and help me to cope and make the situation better

Hi Onionlove, i've no advice for you i'm afriad, just wanted to let you know you're not alone in feeling like you do. I could have written you're post.

I had my lil girl 1 month ago, and every time DSS goes near her i want to screm at him to get away. I hate him kissing her, hugging her etc & it sounds awful & i should want to share her, but i don't. I hate the thought my beautiful daughter will take example from his behaviour or look upto him in any way. I don't really have that good a relationship with my SS & that is partly my doing.

Anyway, i'm rambling, just wanted to let you know that i totally understand where you're coming from hun.

X

I totally understand. What's more, your feelings are TOTALLY NORMAL. What worries me most is why SD was there anyway? Presumably she could have stayed at her mum's while you rested after just having given birth??? To me it indicates a lack of support for you at one of the most special times in your life, and that is a killer.

How are you getting on, OnionLove - it's difficult with your first.

My DSDs were actually at hospital with us when DS (my first was born) - LOng story. They stayed in our room while I had DS (El CS so we knew the time etc) and were first to see DS.

They weren't about with DD, she was probably about 2 weeks old when they came.

I've been with DH since they were tiny (little one in nappies) so they are second nature in my life and I was happy to have them.

but, I can relate to the 'not wanting to share'. I remember being in paris when DS was 3 months old. DSD1 (then 13YO) wanted to push the buggy and she kept letting go of it and wanting to twirl him around... God, it was SOOO hard to let her do that (tho I knew I had to... She wasn't presenting him with any danger and it was important to let them bond) but it is tough.

But, it gets easier. DS is now 22MO and gets on great with his two sisters. We also now have 8MO DD and it's been much easier second time around

Actually, just been remembering that day.

It was quite a big thing really - DSDs were 10 and 13, and I guess it would be reasonable to think that they thought they weren't going to have any siblings (Mum, although in a serious relationship has not gone on to have more kids)

I would NEVER have considered asking DH's ex to change her plans to accomodate our new baby. It's not her problem, and Dh and I worked very hard to make sure that his daughters would never feel like they were being pushed out now that we had a child together (we moved to a much larger house so that all the kids can continue to have their own rooms for EG)
But, it can work out well.

DH bought both the girls a little braclet from Tiffany to mark DS's birth and I know they both treasure them. it was actually a lovely day having them there.