BM turning daughter against me and unborn baby

[BlueCollie]

Hello All, just after advice really and a rant! I met my partner after his wife threw him and did not want him back and contact with his daughter was amiciable. However, once she new about me it all changed and she moved her daughter to NI without his permission and stoppped all contact. My OH is still battling through court to gain contact at great expense that we can not afford. The latest thing however that I am rather distressed about is that his daughter was sobbing on the phone when he last spoke to her and had been crying prior to the phone call. His daughter stated that she did not want to meet her baby brother or me ever...she's 6. We find it hard to work out what kind of things her mother was saying to her daughter to get her this upset prior to my OHs phone call and not sure what to do about it or if the court will take this into account when deciding contact. It is okay for the her to have her bloke round in the house she lives in and makes her daughter stay in her bedroom while this bloke is there even if its 4pm on a school day! Yet she has done nothing but try and turn this child against me and our baby and I haven't even met her yet.
However, we can't afford for my partner to spend £300 a month visiting his daughter every month in NI and so he is asking for school holidays and to bring his daughter back to England and obviously she will have to spend time with me. I am just concerned the court will say I will have to move out when she is over as his ex appears to be doing a very good job of getting his daughter to hate me. I also don't like to think that this poor child is so distraught at the thought at ever meetin her brother or me.
Any advice would be great as I really have had enough of all this.

Hello and poor you

The only useful advice I can give is that your OH gets in touch with Families Need Fathers and tries to cut down on the costs by self-representing. We self represent in Family Court (on other contact issues) and it's really not that hard once you get the hang of it, and we don't pay any more money to the vultures lawyers.

You can download a lot of free advice leaflets about contact from the Children's Legal Centre which will tell you all you need to do and which forms to download from the HMRC.

Hi Blue Collie

I know what i am about to say is probably not important but here goes. I take it you and your partner have been together on a long term basis - a year or possibly two. You have made a commitment to each other by living together and you are cementing your relationship with a baby. I have been through a similar situation - i have been with my wonderful fiance for 3 years and i am 18 weeks pregnant. For the past 3 years my partner has had to live a seperate life - he has only recently been "allowed" to tell his daughter i even exist.

I will give you the advice our solictor gave me - after more than a year together you have proven you are a commited couple, you have made a lovely home together. Your fear of having to leave your home is unfounded anybody making a judgement would not expect you to give up your home. The only time a court of law would prohibt your contact to his child was if you had convivtions of child neglect cruelty or a history of drink or drug abuse.

Hi, thank you very much for that. I'm an A and E nurse and have enhanced CRB so don't think she can try and say I'm suitable to be around their child although I am sure she will!! Her hypocrosy amazes me as does the level she is going to stop my OH from seeing his daughter. I have been really shocked that women like her exist and don't once put thier child first.

Hope your situation improves and your pregnancy goes well.

Sam

Sorry meant to say NOT suitable to be around their daughter

Hi BlueCollie my DSS is also 6 and although I can't offer any words of wisdom regarding access I just wanted to let you know that although DH's ex was always very anti-me (like you, I have no idea why - I didn't appear on the scene until 10 months and 1 girlfriend after their breakup) once I?d met DSS we still managed to build a really good relationship. He?d turn up in the morning and say (perfectly primed) ?I don?t want to see you today? and I?d tell him (in a cheerful voice) that was ok and if that was what he wanted and that I?d be upstairs reading a book if he changed his mind. I don?t think I ever managed to finish a chapter before a little face would appear at the door, Thomas the Tank Engine book in hand suggesting we cuddle up on the bed and read some Thomas together instead!

I could probably write an essay about our 3+ years of (only partially resolved!) access problems and all the little ?Mummy says? chestnuts (Mummy says I mustn?t talk to you/you?re not allowed in Grandma?s house/DS isn?t a real brother/you?re not part of my family/if I sleep over at your house I have to stay forever and can?t come home/etc, etc). However, DSS is a smart little boy and even his Mum has mellowed somewhat over the years. It does get better!

IME I wouldn?t worry too much about encouraging her to accept the new baby until it has actually arrived. When she has seen her new brother (even if just on a photo) her interest should be roused. If she?s a proper girly-girl she may even enjoy helping your DP choose a little outfit to buy for him. Be guided by her level of interest, if she is still adamant that she wants nothing to do with the baby then simply tell her it is her choice, but continue to give her photos and the odd update. She will come round in the end. Oh, and be sure to tell her that little brother has a photo of his big sister next to his cot!

Getting married is usually a good step as asking someone's wife to leave the house is so obviously unreasonable no solicitor would take it to court.
Generally with divorced partners I think getting married before having kids makes the whole process much easier.
"Girlfriend" throws up a completely different image to "wife" when exwife (who is your stepdaughters mother, I hate the word birthmother, as though the stepmother is minimising her importance) starts moaning.

Hi BlueCollie, sounds like you're having a tough time. I think with regard to the situation of BM's boyfriend, I would not get too focussed on this. I think the best thing you can do is stay calm and focus all the time on what is best for the little girl, as this is what the courts will focus on. Don't get distracted by how unfair it is that BM has a BF in the house at 4pm in the afternoon etc however galling that maybe, keep it out of the situation.

IMO you want to present yourselves as the sane voice of reason in all this - it is in little girl's best interest that she see her Dad and have contact with him so stay focussd on that - and explain calmly what would be, in your view, the best way to facilitate this happening.

I haven't had experience of the situation in the court and I may well be naive, but I also think for your own peace of mind try not to get sucked into the mad world that BM inhabits - and here I do speak from experience. I can't see how you and DP setting up a settled home with a baby, both working and committed to each other would be seen negatively by courts - I can't see how they would ask you to leave!