Not very good at this

[moonsquirter]

I've been in a relationship for a while with DP who has a son. I started off really wanting it to work well and for us, eventually, to feel like a family when DSS is with us. But I'm finding it really hard to come to terms with this little boy being in our life. It's nothing he's done, and DP is very supportive generally, but inside I just can't wait for the weekends and evenings when DSS is with us to be over, so we can just be a couple again.

I know this is a shit attitude and I need to change - can anyone help with how I can draw a line under how I've felt before and make a fresh positive start? I just don't seem able to love DSS solely because he's DP's son and I know I should. DSS's mum has caused us loads of problems over the last year and I think maybe I resent DSS because he's the reason there has to be this contact between DP and his ex-wife.

I have given DP loads of support and encouragement to finally get decent access arrangements, and DSS is quite affectionate with me so I think I'm doing quite a good job of keeping my feelings secret, but I hate that I'm hiding all these evil thoughts. Has anyone been in this situation and come through it? Please reassure me that you can get used to the situation. I do genuinely want it to be a happy home for DSS but struggle to feel 'right' when he's with us.

Now I feel like an evil witch for saying it out loud. Please go easy on me, I really do need some advice - and maybe a bit of a kick up the arse too.

Crikey! what a tricky situation. I think you should give yourself and DSS some time and a bit of a break. I'm not sure I completely like my DD all the time (even though I love and adore her) and relish the rare times that my husband and I are alone. Believe me, this is totally normal in all families.

Could you find out a bit more about DSS and try to become friends with him aside from all the tricky family stuff. Perhaps just spend some time with him alone, maybe just an hour or so at first, doing some fun stuff and learn who he is beyond his title IYSWIM. Afterall if he were an adult you wouldn't expect to be bezzer mates with him just because of a mutual acquaintance?

I hope this helps, I have no experience of this at all but my heart went out to you and your honesty.

moonsquirter, how did you decide on that name?

I do know how you feel moonsquirter, and there is only one course of action. Hide your feelings and keep working at pretending to feel affection that isn't there. Try to treat him as you would your own child. In time, affection will come. It will never be the unconditional love that a natural parent feels, but it will get better. As to the situation, there is NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT except to accept it. This too, will come with time...

It could be far worse. I have to look after my DSD full time because her BM can't stay off the booze, and as a consequence my DP and I NEVER get any time to be a couple. I LONG for a time when DSD can live some of the time with her BM or even a time when we can at least have the occasional weekend off...

Comparatively speaking, I think you are LUCKY

Want to swap?

Mrshibbins, believe me I do know that it's not a bad situation to be in, and DP is so lovely that it is definitely worth it. I think what you do in giving your DSD a stable and loving home is amazing and I hope that I can feel I am doing that one day too.

I think the idea of having an activity to do with DSS is great. I've taken a back seat til now, partly because I wanted to give DSS time to get used to me but also because DP's time with him was so precious that I couldn't have done things alone with him without DP missing out. Hopefully that is changing now though so will suggest a bit of one on one with him next time.

Thanks all, I know I am lucky really.

It's not easy, Moonsquirter. I should have a BAFTA. She is such a needy, attention seeking and controlling little girl. Quite often I find her irritating and suffocating and have to fight the claustrophobia. The thing to do is not take on too much, and try to do as many things for yourself apart from them as possible and not get swamped and consumed by the needs of your partner and his child...

I too know exactly how you feel. I have both a SD and SS. You are totally right when you say it is claustraphobic. Sometimes I feel like a stranger in my own home when they are here. They have quite a different upbringing and values from the one my DH and I are trying to create for our two young daughters and I dread them having an influence on my children. I know all this is pretty unreasonable as they are not bad kids but you can't help your feelings. My friend is a step mother and often feels exactly the same.

Its hard because you CAN'T treat them as you would your own. If you tell them off as you do your own you're thought of as being too hard on them.

Autumnsun - I couldn't agree with you more! I thought I was such a bad person for feeling claustrophbic and like a stranger in my own home! I have a SD and my own young baby and my SD is spoiled and over indulged by my husband due to his guilt at not being a full time parent to her (something he readily admits!). However, under all her occassional tantrums and attention seeking behaviour, she is a sweet girl who loves her new sister and I have found spending time with her on our own doing stuff has really helped us form a better relationship. I know I have cracked it when it is the two of us "ganging up" (in a fun way) against my husband.

I still feel guilty about not "loving" my SD and I am not sure I ever will but I have found that talking to my husband about some new routines and rules for when my SD is here has helped me feel more in control of the situation. My husband also encourages me to issue punishments if necessary which combined with me investing a bit of time with my SD has helped generate more mutual respect and understanding between me and my SD.

I think I will always resent my SD being in our life (so shoot me!) particularly as it means we can't do things like live abroad or move away from London which I would love to do. However, my husband wouldn't be the person he is if he hadn't had a daughter before meeting me, so you win some and you loose some......